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[blacknwhitemask]

i feel like i am somehow destined to travel abroad.

that is kind of a dumb thing to say, but so are a lot of things.

i hope i can incorporate being in a different country into living a productive and successful life.

oh, my.

Comments

[symphonicbreath]

oh LEAH!

come to france with me next summer on exchange. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

[blacknwhitemask]

nooorrrra

that is something that i don't want to do.

if i was to go to europe, i would prefer that i could see what i pleased and wander the streets either alone or with my family, not be restricted to group activities and staying with a family i do not know. i am one for doing things all the way through/in the preferred manner if i am going to do them at all.

that sounds very picky and privileged of me, but i stand by it.

of course, if you went, i would want to hear every detail and would wish you much fun.

[symphonicbreath]

okay. i guess that is the sort of desire we can have when things like that are possible.

[blacknwhitemask]

okay. well. i feel bad now.

what i really meant was that when i imagine going to europe, i imagine it as sort of a self-discovery "finally-on-my-own" sort of thing (unless my family decides they want to go some year, but i sort of doubt it'll happen). i don't want to waste so much money on a big exchange trip and know that it is not something i really really want to do/am prepared to do yet. that seems wrong to me be, more wrong than waiting. i've considered studying abroad in college, too, so that might be "the time".

i didn't mean to sound like a snob.

i'm sorry.

i guess that i am just very accustomed to going to faroff places with my family all the time. it is just what we do. i know that most people don't.

but again, this is just me and my reservations and my idealism.

[symphonicbreath]

i, too, did not mean to sound like a snobby have-not.
i do have plenty.

this is just me and how i am sometimes. i'm sorry.

your reasons make sense.

[symphonicbreath]

leah.
i am always making you feel guilty about my sarcastic reactions to everything.

a cognitive psychologist [or somebody else] would say that i answered the way i did because i secretly do not think that this trip will really be a quarter as much fun as it could be/ought to be. and that the reason i am going is just a resignation to the way nothing is ever as it ought to be, and because i know i'll have no other chance to go to france, and i can be lonely in large groups there if i have to. the way i signed up for the classes no one else would take this year so that i turned out lonely, and plan to do so next year as well, because you can't have it all. unless, of course, you're one of those people who can.
[you meaning...AN individual. not YOU specifically.]

maybe that was it. i don't know exactly. it is so embarrassing to be emotional and not bother to control it.

there is more to say.

[blacknwhitemask]

nora, you shouldn't have to cover yourself in christmas wrapping paper and a bow everytime you express yourself. i was reading ayn rand two seconds and naturally, she could tell you that a thousand times over [and better than i]. it's fine that you have emotion. i understood that your original comment was not completely directed at me [and if it had been, for understandable reasons on your part

[symphonicbreath]

thank you.

and yes, they are my things. i will work them out eventually. thank you for your concern. the truth is that by the time you reply [always perfectly] the tragedy disappears.

my tragedies are like fog.
don't worry about them.

"really, nothing is the way it should be, and many people are trapped into waiting around for the nothing to happen."

last night i wore off my brother's ear with this. hardly even differently phrased. i brought it up with our situation in mind.
that is when i realized that this was another primary reason why i respond sarcastically.
everyone i know waits like this. except my brother.

mkay.
thank you for your understanding.