ouch
who REALLY likes making decisions?
i'm haunted by lyrics from wicked. i have a feeling that this might be an incredibly long rant/entry. i'm feeling poetic and such but my thoughts are crashing together and chips from each are flying and everything is an incoherent mess of words too eloquent for my everyday speech.
AND THAT is because this isnt linked off of facebook or xanga. both of which my mother somehow has suspicious access to.
regardless: time to be hit in the heart with a brick.
my mom's girlfriend's father (like a grandfather to me in terms of familial ties) had been sick for a while. well, i should backtrack and say that his wife was sick and had to be hospitalised and have a kidney transplant. scary in itself, because she barely made it out alive. THEN, he (Roy) told my mom and i at thanksgiving that he had been stomach sick and really dizzy and weak. cancer runs in our family, so instantly our minds flew to leukemia. after many many tests, today we just found out that it is leukemia. i dont know why i'm taking it so hard. we arent amazingly close. but it got me to thinking. cancer.
in this day and age, we hear it so much that it's almost like AIDS. you hear about people who have it, maybe have lost close people to it, but you move on. it's not as scary anymore. i hate that this year i've had to face so much death. a lot of people get it spread out throughout their lives, and all of the sudden this year i got hit with it. first austin harris (a boy on campus) committed suicide. then my beloved band teacher passed away from a hard battle of brain cancer. then a girl from my high school flipped her car and died. and now this. i just refuse to believe it. i'm used to dealing with illness... not with death.
maybe i'm just lucky that no one close to me has died before this. maybe this is life telling me that i'm not letting people get close enough to me to matter when they pass on.
Roy has less than a year to live. If his heart can handle it, they will consider very intensive chemotherapy, but that would guarantee him in a hospital for 30 days no matter what. he may very well not leave that hospital.
pause: less than a year to live. can you imagine that? honestly. for me it means not getting my degree, not having a family, not getting to vote or drink alcohol. for him it means not seeing his youngest grandchildren graduate high school, seeing his daughters finish college, and most importantly, leaving his sick wife behind.
i have this thing where i get really upset and hold it all in and dont cry because i just cant take it. someone always comes along and hugs me... and then i lose it. no hugs right now. please.
obviously my parents are taking it the hardest. when my mom called, she was in tears. i couldnt bear to start crying too. we all have to be strong for someone. marylynn has to be strong for roy, my mom has to be strong for marylynn, i have to be strong for my mom. i have to be strong for my mom.
i just cant get over how easily we brush off cancer, but dont realise its effects.
on another note:
its amazing how lonely you can feel when you're surrounded by people who truly love you. i wish that pretense didnt exist.
that's something that's really hard to explain. i dont particularly think i am very lonely, but its hard to tell. i can go about what i'm doing and wonder who i'm doing it for... and there are n't very many things that i'm doing for myself. then i sit back and wonder what i wish i was doing... and it's shocking.
i guess i'm finishing up here. this is surely going to be too long for people to want to read, but this is actually here for me. if you have read, thanks. i appreciate it.
and i mean that in the fullest sense of the word.
take care of yourselfs. keep the ones you love close.
<333
i'm haunted by lyrics from wicked. i have a feeling that this might be an incredibly long rant/entry. i'm feeling poetic and such but my thoughts are crashing together and chips from each are flying and everything is an incoherent mess of words too eloquent for my everyday speech.
AND THAT is because this isnt linked off of facebook or xanga. both of which my mother somehow has suspicious access to.
regardless: time to be hit in the heart with a brick.
my mom's girlfriend's father (like a grandfather to me in terms of familial ties) had been sick for a while. well, i should backtrack and say that his wife was sick and had to be hospitalised and have a kidney transplant. scary in itself, because she barely made it out alive. THEN, he (Roy) told my mom and i at thanksgiving that he had been stomach sick and really dizzy and weak. cancer runs in our family, so instantly our minds flew to leukemia. after many many tests, today we just found out that it is leukemia. i dont know why i'm taking it so hard. we arent amazingly close. but it got me to thinking. cancer.
in this day and age, we hear it so much that it's almost like AIDS. you hear about people who have it, maybe have lost close people to it, but you move on. it's not as scary anymore. i hate that this year i've had to face so much death. a lot of people get it spread out throughout their lives, and all of the sudden this year i got hit with it. first austin harris (a boy on campus) committed suicide. then my beloved band teacher passed away from a hard battle of brain cancer. then a girl from my high school flipped her car and died. and now this. i just refuse to believe it. i'm used to dealing with illness... not with death.
maybe i'm just lucky that no one close to me has died before this. maybe this is life telling me that i'm not letting people get close enough to me to matter when they pass on.
Roy has less than a year to live. If his heart can handle it, they will consider very intensive chemotherapy, but that would guarantee him in a hospital for 30 days no matter what. he may very well not leave that hospital.
pause: less than a year to live. can you imagine that? honestly. for me it means not getting my degree, not having a family, not getting to vote or drink alcohol. for him it means not seeing his youngest grandchildren graduate high school, seeing his daughters finish college, and most importantly, leaving his sick wife behind.
i have this thing where i get really upset and hold it all in and dont cry because i just cant take it. someone always comes along and hugs me... and then i lose it. no hugs right now. please.
obviously my parents are taking it the hardest. when my mom called, she was in tears. i couldnt bear to start crying too. we all have to be strong for someone. marylynn has to be strong for roy, my mom has to be strong for marylynn, i have to be strong for my mom. i have to be strong for my mom.
i just cant get over how easily we brush off cancer, but dont realise its effects.
on another note:
its amazing how lonely you can feel when you're surrounded by people who truly love you. i wish that pretense didnt exist.
that's something that's really hard to explain. i dont particularly think i am very lonely, but its hard to tell. i can go about what i'm doing and wonder who i'm doing it for... and there are n't very many things that i'm doing for myself. then i sit back and wonder what i wish i was doing... and it's shocking.
i guess i'm finishing up here. this is surely going to be too long for people to want to read, but this is actually here for me. if you have read, thanks. i appreciate it.
and i mean that in the fullest sense of the word.
take care of yourselfs. keep the ones you love close.
<333