(no subject)
woah--i was wondering what wendy meant when the update screen was all funki.
so totally havent updated in almost a month ago. been busy with a lot of stuff at home and i havent felt like updating. i am almost to the point where i dont want to be bothered with anyone. except for my secret list. and its not as if i talk to anyone at school except for alison and lauren. (speaking of which--lauren, was ed in 1st hr? i dont remember. i dont think he was..) i want so much more than i can provide for myself right now. and i feel bad because i get one offer for help from one person and i am unintentionally milking it for all its worth. and he doesnt read this so he doesnt know how bad i feel because i always feel like im harping on him to do this and this and blah blah. he knows that he means more to me that he could ever imagine and no one quite understands what im going through. no offense to any readers, but i really dont think anyone could begin to fathom what im going through. im not happy. plain and simple. nothing makes me happy anymore. the only times i remember being happy have been with him and then my day follows up with the most horrible event ever. its one sick hideous cycle. the only way im getting out of it is to get out of the house. and i dont want to leave school even though i hate it here too. if i leave school it wont do any good. he wont let me, besides. good for him. he doesnt want me to become like him. i dont think hes been in school for four years. at least one of us will have a HS diploma. im tired of everyone feeling sorry for me. at least my peers do. any adult that i tell doesnt have sympathy or empathy for me. its my fault. yes, its my fault my mother hates everything. its not even worth going in to. it exhausts me to the furthest imaginable point and that sickens me. i turn 18 on friday (happy bday thursday joanne and happy bday saturday diana) but that doesnt mean any thing. im still in school, i still cannot provide for myself. and that makes me unhappy. i love him and i am his world and that holds me together. to hell with the rest of the world. you too.
yousuckihateyoudie.
welcome to my world.