(no subject)
Thinking. Sometime my brain hurts from thinking. Constant throbbing that won't go away unless you suffocate your brain in ice cold buckets of water. Then it's more burning which eventually turns into numbness.
The past is biting me. I keep thinking about the past and the people I've met and the things I've done. And it all makes me sad, in a weird way, like I don't know what to think of it. Every phase is associated with a song or an album at the time. And with the past goes the music. But when I recover it again, it seems everything overwhelms me and I'm lost. I've become ver analytical about everything. Details. URGH! I try to see all the sides of everything but always end up picking the ones where things go against me. Why do I always pick the things that hurt me? Lately, pain is happiness. I'm actually feeling happy about hurting, which never was normal. But I guess somethings changed, I wish I knew what it was. Maybe just experience. Things you don't expect from life actually teach you good lessons. Sometimes I hate that. but then again. You know not to make the same mistake twice, even though it will probably happen again. Cause we as humans= incredibly stupid.
I watched this movie the other day. good movie. but I was surrounded by all these people because I could see them, but I couldn't feel their presence, it was just me in there. by myself. watching this incredible movie. and it made me think that maybe they feel the same way about me. that they don't feel my presence at all. I think that I show people what THEY want to see, not what I want them to see. I wish I could show everyone ME. Or at least the people interested. But I think I'm afraid. I used to not be afraid, all my friends new me, who I really was. They could tell anyone was I was like down to a point, but if you were to ask them now..they wouldn't know what to say. and I don't think I like that. I wish I could project a presence where people felt like they knew me. I wish I could know me. I think I know who I want to be, but I just haven't pulled myself to that point yet. I keep thinking that being me involves money, which partly it does I guess. The person I want to be needs to go to school (money), and find a new place in life, a place to live (money)...I keep thinking that all these material things would show people and myself the real me, but sadly I'm mistaken. It doesn't take material goods, to be someone you wish to be.
The past is biting me. I keep thinking about the past and the people I've met and the things I've done. And it all makes me sad, in a weird way, like I don't know what to think of it. Every phase is associated with a song or an album at the time. And with the past goes the music. But when I recover it again, it seems everything overwhelms me and I'm lost. I've become ver analytical about everything. Details. URGH! I try to see all the sides of everything but always end up picking the ones where things go against me. Why do I always pick the things that hurt me? Lately, pain is happiness. I'm actually feeling happy about hurting, which never was normal. But I guess somethings changed, I wish I knew what it was. Maybe just experience. Things you don't expect from life actually teach you good lessons. Sometimes I hate that. but then again. You know not to make the same mistake twice, even though it will probably happen again. Cause we as humans= incredibly stupid.
I watched this movie the other day. good movie. but I was surrounded by all these people because I could see them, but I couldn't feel their presence, it was just me in there. by myself. watching this incredible movie. and it made me think that maybe they feel the same way about me. that they don't feel my presence at all. I think that I show people what THEY want to see, not what I want them to see. I wish I could show everyone ME. Or at least the people interested. But I think I'm afraid. I used to not be afraid, all my friends new me, who I really was. They could tell anyone was I was like down to a point, but if you were to ask them now..they wouldn't know what to say. and I don't think I like that. I wish I could project a presence where people felt like they knew me. I wish I could know me. I think I know who I want to be, but I just haven't pulled myself to that point yet. I keep thinking that being me involves money, which partly it does I guess. The person I want to be needs to go to school (money), and find a new place in life, a place to live (money)...I keep thinking that all these material things would show people and myself the real me, but sadly I'm mistaken. It doesn't take material goods, to be someone you wish to be.