(no subject)
It's weird to think that just yesterday I was fidgiting in the doctors office as he tells me I no longer have to take medication or go to therapy. I don't think I've ever been this happy in..hell forever, even with the worst shit happening in the past two months, I've been so happy, and dealt with it, how I saw fit. And it's been wonderful.
I just didn't know that all that could change so fast.
You know that saying "If you really love someone let them go, and they'll come back to you." It's everything you always hope for, that the person you love will love you back. And I have to say I'm such a fool because I know he'll never love me back, but I keep wanting to believe that it can happen. It was always amazing being around him, one of those people that's smile,voice, hug..anything could make your whole day truly the best day. That comfortable feeling, that you know that this is right. That there's nothing to hide, or be ashamed of. It was wonderful, he understood, like my best friend. The person I could count on, and really trust without even knowing at all. From being the best things in my life, to the most heart-breaking thing in my life.
...But now it's strained, and awkward. With so much fear. Like we're not even friends anymore. Like there's some hidden secret no one's willing to fess up to. I hate feeling clingy and I'm feeling like that now, but when you're losing someone you love more than anything, you know those people you'd mentally, emotionally die without, you'll do just about anything to bring them back. And I'm trying so hard, or tried. You can only do so much. But it all feels hopeless. As much as I don't want to believe it, it for a fact is. And I should erase the memories, the everything, that I had, and leave and forget just so I can go one day without aching from all the pain and crying. But at the same time, I think that if I entirely erased him from my life, my mind, and heart I would feel even worse. I would feel lost. I'd rather have a painful friendship, than nothing at all. For so long I felt nothing in life. My heart felt nothing, while my brain tried to hide the truth. But since him, my heart really knew love. People always say, I just want you to be happy, whether it be with or without me in your life. But it's all a lie. If you loved someone that much, you'd NEED them to be with you. I think I'm realizing I'll never have his love, but always feel his pain. And I'm just going to have to put up with it. I can't live without him. Plain and simple. I just can't. I just wish he knew.
I just didn't know that all that could change so fast.
You know that saying "If you really love someone let them go, and they'll come back to you." It's everything you always hope for, that the person you love will love you back. And I have to say I'm such a fool because I know he'll never love me back, but I keep wanting to believe that it can happen. It was always amazing being around him, one of those people that's smile,voice, hug..anything could make your whole day truly the best day. That comfortable feeling, that you know that this is right. That there's nothing to hide, or be ashamed of. It was wonderful, he understood, like my best friend. The person I could count on, and really trust without even knowing at all. From being the best things in my life, to the most heart-breaking thing in my life.
...But now it's strained, and awkward. With so much fear. Like we're not even friends anymore. Like there's some hidden secret no one's willing to fess up to. I hate feeling clingy and I'm feeling like that now, but when you're losing someone you love more than anything, you know those people you'd mentally, emotionally die without, you'll do just about anything to bring them back. And I'm trying so hard, or tried. You can only do so much. But it all feels hopeless. As much as I don't want to believe it, it for a fact is. And I should erase the memories, the everything, that I had, and leave and forget just so I can go one day without aching from all the pain and crying. But at the same time, I think that if I entirely erased him from my life, my mind, and heart I would feel even worse. I would feel lost. I'd rather have a painful friendship, than nothing at all. For so long I felt nothing in life. My heart felt nothing, while my brain tried to hide the truth. But since him, my heart really knew love. People always say, I just want you to be happy, whether it be with or without me in your life. But it's all a lie. If you loved someone that much, you'd NEED them to be with you. I think I'm realizing I'll never have his love, but always feel his pain. And I'm just going to have to put up with it. I can't live without him. Plain and simple. I just can't. I just wish he knew.