Part I -- The Soul and Spirit of Kiku Heaven (continues)
While some have a bright moon to light their path and guide them, others are dragged into the deep pits of a darkness that threatens to devour their very existence.
Lost in cold darkness some days, in his thoughts others, always leading the least remarkable and exciting life of all. This is how he feels; he tries not to but loneliness seems more appealing, and requires less effort than socialising and pretending he cares about other people’s problems. It is not he does not really care, but sometimes caring feels like a burden; should a friend be in trouble he would be expected to run there, right away, and… do what? When people say they “need” you they actually ask you to guard their fears, their sorrows and misfortunes. They ask you to be present and yet invisible, leaving them space to be themselves, but they cannot be themselves because you are there; and if you give them some privacy they will accuse you later of not being a “real” friend, saying you abandoned them when they dearly needed you.
Norihiro has never accused him of anything, Norihiro is always happy to see his best friend, the one he confines in, the one he knows about more than he himself possibly does,
but when Norihiro’s relation with Hitoshi improves, even for a very short time, Ichiro suddenly feels unwelcome with each visit he pays to his old friend.
It feels awkward to stand there watching them exchange kisses and sweet talks as if they are alone, and this is what will make him to leave on the pretext of an unfinished paper or anything he can think of at the moment. He then returns home with a sense of defeat.
He shares the house with his siblings, Yokito and Jade, Yokito’s sweetheart, Tatsuya, and their childhood friends, Yoshi, Nenki and Kelly. Occasionally some of their visiting friends will stay for the night and Ichiro will be happy with this little change of pace, even if it will deprive him of sleep. He wakes up every morning at 07:00, prepares breakfast and then goes to class. He comes back at noon, he has lunch, takes a shower and then sits on his desk to do his assignments or, continue the unfinished term paper. Afternoons find him in bad mood, tired and strangely tensed. It is the time he climbs the stairs to his room, locks the door and sits on his bed with his eyes fixed out the window.
Such afternoons he lets his eyes travel over the roofs across the little street they live, glances at the noisy student groups passing by, then he turns his head to the trees of the neglected garden and a soft, faint sound comes out of his chest. He looks everywhere and sees nothing. He hears Yokito taking a shower before he goes out with Tatsuya for a drink. In a few minutes he will knock his door and ask him if he will join them, and he will murmur, “Thanks, but I’m tired. Next time, perhaps.” When his brother leaves and he hears the sound of the front door closing behind them he goes downstairs hoping he is alone. Usually he is not because Jade stays home a lot, especially after breaking up with Ying. Jade and he are not very close; they are not getting well together, they are not enemies either. Apart from the bonds of blood, there is one more thing keeping them bound in perfect harmony: a mutual indifference for each other’s existence.
Most of the time Kelly stays at Akitomi’s, so she is rarely seen around. A quick glance around tells him Nenki is out. Again. Not that he cares about his whereabouts, it is only curiosity how he gets such high grades and makes it to the Dean’s list every semester. Maybe he studies at Cloud’s home…
He hears Yoshi’s steps and notices the kitchen door being left ajar, then the metallic sound of dustbin lid closing. He rushes back to his room and slumps in the bed. He tries hard to get out of meeting Yoshi, but it is practically impossible when you live with someone under the same roof. He is so angry with himself and feels so embarrassed that he wishes the earth beneath his feet would open and swallow him. How should he deal with his own mess?
There has been a week now he can’t face Yoshi. He tried to get a taste of a first kiss, but he found that first kisses are not meant for childhood friends who remain just friends; first kisses are not something you can force upon others, even less when mutual feelings are not present to support your cause. Lesson one: You cannot simulate passion.
But Yoshi, despite his abrupt reaction, seems to have a deep understanding of what life should look through Ichiro’s eyes, for, in a sense, Yoshi represents Kiku Heaven’s spirit: energetic and light-hearted, kind and forgiving, born with the gift of bringing out the best in people.
Coming back from class he finds Yoshi out waiting for him. How many words can a smiling face say?
Yoshi: There you are, Mr Brooding! You dyed your hair again.
Ichiro: You have also changed your haircut.
Yoshi: You like it? I think it really becomes me.
Ichiro [taking a deep breath]: … about the other day… I…
Yoshi: I know, I know. Forget about it, no harm is done. [laugh] I was completely surprised, to be honest. I’ve never expected you act like that.
Ichiro: ...
So, do people consider him incapable of having feelings? Is this what they all think about him, or it is just Yoshi? …Could Yoshi meant to say that, or is his imagination going wild? Is it important? Shouldn’t he look at the bright side and be delighted all that stupid “hide-and-seek” game with Yoshi is finally over? Lesson two: Good friends are like divine spirits: they can see through you and love you for who you really are.
The same evening there is an unusual gathering, for everyone is here, even Nenki. Jade, in her favourite summer shirt, demands someone light a fire but she goes unnoticed. The centre of attention has become Tatsuya’s juicy gossips about his father, Gero, and his half-sister, Tsuki, a subject Ichiro could not care less, but it feels warm inside to be surrounded by all these faces you have known since your childhood.
Months later he dyes his hair again, going back to his old look. Change. He needs a change and his hair is usually the first victim - a habit he got into as soon as he became a teenager. Over dinner Yokito brings the news of another change,
Yokito: It seems final. They broke up for real.
Ichiro: “They” could be…
Tatsuya: Nenki and Cloud.
Ichiro: Ah.
Yokito: Yashamaru won this round.
Tatsuya: Ha! Note my words: there won’t be another round. Nenki is my friend and all, but let’s face it: Yasha-san and Cloud-kun are one of a kind.
Ichiro: I hope to hell you prove right.
Why he said that? He doesn’t give a damn about Nenki’s business, yet he sounded like he does. He cleans the table, washes the dishes, takes rubbish out and goes around the house to the garden gate. The street lamp gleams dully through the quiescent night and when he sits down on the wooden bench he suddenly feels his body heavier. He blames the cold gaze of the stars from the winter night above him and the breath of a frozen earth below when memories of years past, from his childhood to the present days, begin coming in waves back at him - thoughts in a muddle leaving him gasping for air. “Will you do a somersault for me, if I promise to be a good boy and don’t laugh at you?” Nenki’s dulcet voice startles him and makes him jump up frightened. Lesson three: Don’t let off your guard, even when you think you are all by yourself.
Norikazu who has come along waves at him and goes in, adding, “He’s all yours. Drunk and annoying, but someone had to carry the poor devil back.”
What a stupid expression! Nenki has never been his. "I know what you’re thinking", Nenki laughs with a mischievous spark glinted in his eyes. He wasn’t thinking anything in particular really, but now that Nenki’s hands are suddenly all around him holding him tightly against him he thinks how to escape. However, he doesn’t think fast enough, and this is how he gets his very first kiss...
Nenki: …and the Ice Queen remained unmoved and unimpressed.
Ichiro: A lousy kisser. Is that what you mean?
Nenki: What? No.
Ichiro: You’ve drunk more than I thought then.
Nenki: No, I haven’t.
Ichiro: Yes, you have.
Nenki: This is ridiculous! Are you still mad at me because of our childish jokes?
Ichiro: No. It’s because of your cruelty and my own humiliation.
Nenki: What are you talking about? I’ve never humiliated you! I’d never think of doing such a thing to my Ichiro.
Ichiro: I’ve done it to myself, and I’m perfectly fine with it. Now, let go of me, jerk!
He frees himself and stomps off the stairs but doesn’t go in yet. “I’m not your Ichiro”, he growls furiously at Nenki. “Don’t you ever dare call me that again!”
“Yes, you are!” Nenki replies back in resentment.
He runs up to his room, takes a deep breath and opens the window. He can see Nenki being still down in the street leaning his weight on the fence and talking on his cell. He is about to yell out “I HATE YOU!” but… what will be Nenki’s response? He is not prepared for the answer. Quietly he closes the window and walks to his bed. Lesson four: Perhaps the thread separating hate and love is thinner than you think.
* * *
He wakes up angry and ready for a war. He dismisses the memory of the kiss he got last night. He makes omelettes and serves the breakfast hoping Yokito will be the first to come down. He waits for a couple of minutes and when no one comes he picks up his plate and puts it in the fridge. He doesn’t feel hungry at all. He goes to the bathroom, brushes his teeth and stares at the mirror. What they see when they look at him? What they think when they call his name? What the hell is wrong with him and makes all these stupid questions? He gets out slamming the door. He checks his messages. None. Time to go to class. When he is ready to open the garden door and get out in the street he comes across Nenki.
”Good morning, Your Highness. Did you sleep well?”
The irony in his voice annoys him. “Better than some drunkard I know. Are you coming or leaving?”
“Why do you care?”
“I don’t.”
“No answer for you, then.”
“Jerk!”
“Ice Queen!”
“Moron!”
“You love me, don’t you?”
“Nitwit! ...WHAT? Of course NOT! I’ve a better taste than that!”
“One would think”, Nenki winks at him.
He thought he had forgiven his childish indifference but there is no way he will ever forgive this arrogance and carefree attitude, as if nothing in the world holds enough importance to him...
A couple of days later, when he hears an infuriated Tatsuya yelling that his father, Naoki senior, was spotted Downtown with Nenki, with all the signs betraying an intimate relationship between them be there, Ichiro shuts himself away and spends the rest of his College years focused on his studies.
Till the day of his graduation he will remain cold, unfeeling and detached to anything happening outside his own room. Occasionally one might notice a distant look in his eyes as if his thoughts are curiously distracted by something else. Something he is used to dwell on from time to time, but as the weeks and the months pass these moments will become less and less, for the ice shell has become tougher and his position in the Ice Kingdom is well established.
// TO BE CONTINUED //
Notes: The entries “Birthdays in Kiku Heaven” http://black-kanda.livejournal.com/1583.htmland “Honorifics” http://black-kanda.livejournal.com/2429.html offer a little more insight into Ichiro’s character.