A Long Long Long Update.
With a little reluctance but with a desire not to forget what happened in the past week or so I have decided to write a journal entry. The past few weeks have been difficult though there were some positives. I went to see Monkey: Journey to the West in London, saw the BBC Good food exhibition and went to a gig by Duffy. I'm shamelessly going to copy and paste from an email now that I sent to a friend recently.Monkey: Journey to the West at the O2, London. I had a great time down in London though it was pretty tiring. I had gone to bed a little late on Friday night and got up at 6am, so I was pretty tired. We went on the train from Stafford to Euston in the morning and the journey wasn't too bad because I read the entire Guardian newspaper on the way there. The journey therefore felt pretty quick, however there was a guy sitting behind us who didn't stop talking the entire journey. Both my mom and me couldn't believe how much he talked. I had purchased a Oyster card a few days before we went not expecting it to arrive before Saturday. It did, however, arrive on Friday morning. In a rather silly way I was quite excited about using it for the first time. I guess I was imagining people thinking I'm a regular traveller on the Underground. I love London and would love to be a regular there. I have these little peculiarities sometimes! We stayed at the Oxford Street Youth Hostel in a two bedded room. It was a great spot to stay to be honest and I would stay there again. I've not stayed in a Youth Hostel for some time and it was good to do it again. It was warm, clean and comfortable which we were pleased about. We got off at Oxford Circus and looked at the map. Apparently the road we wanted was very near to Marks & Spencer's. So we followed that direction and when we got there we realised we had made a mistake. There are actually two Marks and Spencer's on Oxford Street! Fortunately, we were in five minutes walk of Marble Arch and we caught the tube back to Oxford Circus. As we left the hostel around the corner there was a basement vintage clothing shop and we spent quite a bit of time down there. I saw some tank tops that I tried on but unfortunately I didn't like how tight they were and how they showed my tummy! It's was surprising how cool they looked though. I think as soon as I get a bit more money I'm likely to go there on a spree! We weren't sure what to do before we went to the O2 to see Monkey and so I suggested we go see Portobello market for the afternoon/evening. I didn't know how big the market area would be and it was huge! Have you ever been to Portobello market. I only wish I had lots of money because I saw hundreds of amazing things there. There were a few shops there with some really quite expensive vintage clothing but the styles were nice. I would love to do my clothes shopping there, especially as there are things there that it's likely no one else will be wearing. I was keen on buying a hat, something I seem to be collecting lately. I saw a few very nice trilbys but the price was a little too steep. On the way down to the main market areas we saw a Highland tartan shop and I went in just to look. I saw some tweed flat caps which I decided to try on, and fell in love with a Donegal tweed flat cap. My mom offered to buy me it for an early Christmas present so I was really happy! I wore it the rest of the day. We had some tasty vegetarian takeaway in Portobello and headed back to the Youth Hostel to get ready to head off to the O2. It was my first time visiting the O2 and I was impressed. Have you been to the O2. It just looked like a big umbrella to me when I saw it first. I was amazed to see how much was packed under the roof of the O2. It is like a big entertainment complex. We got to the performance just on time before the show started luckily. Our seats were restricted view but I still really enjoyed the show. There was a lot of acrobatics and the choreography was fantastic as well. The opera was in Mandarin and they had subtitles on big screens next the screen. It was nice to see how they had written the opera because I knew the story before I went. It brought back memories of the book and how fun it is. I would recommend the novel; Monkey! By Wu Ch'eng-En. It's a very energetic and humorous book. I would also recommend seeing the show; Monkey: Journey to the West. On the Sunday we went Tate Britain, which was my first time. We didn't go to view the Turner Prize candidates or the Francis Bacon exhibition but instead viewed other pieces. I wasn't too keen on the majority of the modern pieces but enjoyed the gallery. It was interesting to see how British portraiture was involved. The pieces that I enjoyed mostly were Cecil Collins, James Tissot and Sir John Everett Millais. It was also interesting to see how period dress has obviously changed through the ages in the paintings. The BBC Good Food Exhibition The BBC Good Food exhibition was jam packed (no pun meant!) of speciality food and drink companies, and cookery demonstration stalls. I think I must have had an entire meal in samples from the stalls and drank a fair bit of alcohol as well. I think it's a great place to buy people Christmas presents and next year I plan to do this. One of the highlights of the day was trying my first oyster and drinking my first Gin and Tonic. The latter was nice but I'm not too sure about the oyster. It was quite funny because the stall was surrounded by people jeering on others to try them. I thought I would regret it if I didn't try one so I braved it. It was a little strange to be honest and tasted mostly like sea water, even though I put lemon juice in it. So I walked off with a strange taste in my mouth. It reminded me of when I went surfing years ago. The Duffy concert was really cool and we managed to get only a few people from the front. One thing that I did find a little annoying was how the ringing was only in my right ear after the concert. I must have been closer to the right speakers. It was amazing seeing Duffy in person singing. She sung really well and I couldn't believe how cute she was. I wasn't the only person that said that also. I hope that she does well because she comes across as one of the sensible music artists. I have a little more respect for her unlike people like Amy Winehouse. This Tuesday I travelled down to London again, this time for an endocrinologist appointment. I was very stressed about this because I didn't know what to expect. I'd already had to cancel two of the appointments as well so that wasn't too good either. The endocrinologist was the same person I'd been sent to four years earlier. That time he couldn't help me because what I needed was someone to talk to. Luckily for me when I moved to Burton I finally got some therapy that I needed. I caught the train down to Euston and it was a pleasant journey. Well, I would say any train journey is pleasant if one gets somewhere to sit. My first train was cancelled though and I had to catch the next one that added an hour to my journey. I managed to read my newspaper for three quarters of the journey I think. The rest I just sat day dreaming as usual. I got to Euston in the afternoon and then made my way to the Youth Hostel I had booked. It was a bit of an awkward trip as I had to change four times, ending up at Kensington (Olympia). I am always a bit stressed about Tube travel but it seems that whenever I'm alone I seem to cope fine. When I finally got to Kensington (Olympia) it was dark and difficult to find my bearings. I had to walk to Holland Park, which I had been informed wasn't far away. I had borrowed an A to Z map of London from home but could only find a grid reference for where the Youth Hostel was situated. So I walked up Holland Road and right onto Holland Park Avenue. When I came to near to the location I couldn't work out where the hostel was so I walked around Holland Park houses. I finally found a street lamp and read the map again. I found the place I was looking for; Holland Park Walk in faint writing. It was a pedestrian walkway. I eventually found the little entrance off Holland Park Avenue onto Holland Park walk and walked all the way down it back onto Kensington High Street. I was very confused because I didn't see the Youth Hostel. So I walked back and by chance I saw a sign saying YHA night entrance. To my relief I had found the hostel, after walking about 4 miles! It was a long walk finding the hostel but at least I got some exercise. My check in was nice and smooth and I went into my little one bedded room. It was situated in the old part of the hostel. I looked up at the old building with big eyes hoping it wasn't haunted! I then lay down for a while and organised my room. I was by then really quite hungry so I decided to head into town for some food. I then had a leisurely stroll to Holland Park Tube station, and caught the tube to Tottenham Court Road. I walked to Soho and china town, going into Foyles to have a look. I didn't know Foyles was there. I took a look at the floor guide and to my surprise saw a GLBT and Transgender section so I head straight there. It's not every day I see a whole section dedicated to this. I browsed the book and picked up True Selves but then decided not to buy it because it might be a lot cheaper online. I left the bookshop and decided to head down Old Compton St to see what was going on down there. I saw the G.A.Y club bar that I'd heard about before and noted that in my mind. But by this time I was very hungry so I quickly head off to Gerrard Street. I found a really cheap basic Chinese food buffet for £4.95 so I went in. When I was stuffed I decided it was time to go back to the hostel and get some sleep. I stopped off at a little supermarket I like where I bought some Aloe Vera drink and some Hi-Chew sweets that I love. I got back to the hostel just before 10pm so I decided to settle down to bed for the night. Luckily I had some earplugs because there were some loud American kids outside my door. For some reason it wasn't just the noise but their accents were grating on my nerves. I had a wonderful hot shower before bed and that lifted my spirits. I woke up nice and refreshed to my relief as I didn't expect that. I then went to have my breakfast, eating some too salty porridge, fruit salad, toast and yoghurt. I had to vacate the hostel by 10am and my appointment was 1140am so I decided to head over to Paddington where St Mary's is and just sit in a coffee shop until then. I can't believe how long I actually sat in the coffee shop after only buying two coffees. I have to admit that I do love coffee though. I read my Rough Guide to London and planned my day ahead. I decided on Portobello Road market again and Camden Lock market. I was actually aiming to buy some bandanas. I went to the clinic ten minutes before my appointment and checked in. It was an extremely daunting experience, mainly because I was in a gynaecology out-patient clinic. There were no men waiting there. I had to report to a nurse before taking my seat to wait and she said something to me with a laugh, which I didn't understand but took rather negatively. It sounded like she was saying something about me seeing the Professor Franks in a bemused way. I didn't understand her accent but if I did I could and she had said something really upsetting I would have made a complaint. I then went with another nurse for a routine check. I had my blood pressure, height and weight recorded. I was trying to make sure that my blood pressure wouldn't be sky high and took deep breathes to calm myself down. She said my blood pressure was fine so I relaxed more. When it came to measuring my height I had a bit of a shock. She measured me at 174 cm, which is 4 cm shorter than I thought I was. I asked her whether she was sure and tried to stand up straighter but she told me I was 174 cm. This didn't make sense but I couldn't do anything about it. I now think it was because I was so tired from carrying my bags earlier that my posture was really bad. I hadn't put my shoulders back, my chest out and my bum outwards. I measured myself in the evening at home and did these things and I was 178 cm! So my BMI isn't so bad after all hah! I sat in the waiting area for my appointment like a scared mouse wondering what people were thinking and whether the outcome of the appointment would be favourable to me. When my name was called (my full name to my dismay) I went into the consultation room. I was pleasantly surprised how nice Professor Franks was and that he had a lot of information about me (from my GP). He said how he knew I had been under the care of Dr Curtis and finally asked me whether I was happy staying on the HRT and anti-androgens. I breathed a sigh of relief with this and told him I was keen to stay on the medication, I couldn't afford to go back to Dr Curtis and was waiting for a referral to Charring Cross. I finally told him that I was running very low on medication and whether he could help me. He then agreed to do an emergency script for me to take to the Out-Patients pharmacy, much to my relief again. He told me he would write to my GP and recommend that they continue my medication and that I should go back to see him in a year. A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders that morning, thanks to Professor Franks. I had been worried that I would completely run out of medication, and either have to pay privately to see Dr Curtis again or self medicate. The latter action I didn't want to do at all. It was a nice feeling having the knowledge that I would be prescribed my medication on the NHS. I felt more in control of my life and I am being taken seriously. It was very helpful being able to see Dr Curtis but I knew that I couldn't always go private. I felt that if the NHS, the people that really mattered took me seriously this would be better. I have paid my National Insurance and my taxes and wanted the help I felt was my right. I handed my script in at the pharmacy and had to wait about forty minutes for it to be made up. I sat in the pharmacy anxiously waiting and finally when my number was called up I went over to the hatch in anticipation. I was expected a whole barrage of questions from the pharmacist concerning the prescription but didn't get one to my surprise. She just asked me whether I had taken them before and I said yes and that was it. I guess they must see many Trans people at that pharmacy. I didn't think I could be gendered female because the label at the top said 'Mr' on it. I felt pretty strange walking out of the pharmacy partly because of the thought of what I had just done. I had got past a hurdle I had imagined that existed in my life. Sometimes when I live for getting past that hurdle and it occupies my mind when I get past it I'm almost in shock or confusion. It is sometimes like I've stepped out of reality and the outcome isn't real. Maybe I'm too much of a pessimist in life but I gear myself up so that if I expect disappointment I won't be so upset after. I don't often expect good outcomes. I then decided to head off to Portobello Road market for some shopping to celebrate and to eat something, with the knowledge that I had 'gold' in my bag. When I got to Portobello Road I was quite disappointed because there weren't many stalls or shops open. I therefore decided to catch a bite to eat; some delicious Macaroni cheese again and head off to Camden Market. By this time it was early afternoon and when I went around Camden Market I wasn't really focussed on looking as I was so tired. I also got a little frustrated because I got lost a little and walked down the same isles several times. I decided to call it a day by 4pm and as I went down Camden High Street I saw a cool vintage shop. I moaned inside my head about how lovely the female clothes were and how much I saw I wanted to buy. I knew that in my current situation I can't enjoy this type of shopping though. I looked for something that was nice and androgynous though with no success. Eventually I saw some bandanas and knew I had to have one. I've never owned a bandana so I bought a navy patterned one. I'm wearing it around my neck as I'm writing this in fact! I head back to the Youth Hostel where they were storing my luggage for me and by this time it was dark and cold again. I was getting more tired now so I picked my luggage up, sat down for a few minutes in their comfy chairs and then left. I was very frustrated as I left the gate onto the walkway from the hostel. Two guys were there and one let me through first calling me 'mate' in the process. Of course it was really kind of him but my heart sank with the mention of the work 'mate'. I guess everyone perceives me differently. It really bugged me and I became a little stressed about the gender thing. It amazes me how sometimes I am gendered female and other times male even in low light. I know I'm not doing much to stop people gendering me as male so maybe its mostly my own fault. The journey back from Euston was OK and thank goodness I got a seat. I waited an hour for that certain train in the hope I could be the first on the train. It turned out that the platform number was announced ten minutes before it was supposed to leave. I did a fast walk to the carriage and jumped on. Most of the seats were reserved but I managed to get a free seat. The journey was uneventful except for me watching several people waiting to get into a toilet that was out of order. I didn't have the effort to get up each time to tell them. Eventually someone complained apparently and the guard put a sign up. There were two attractive women near my seat and I went through my usual envy, jealousy, awe, and day dreaming. When I got back I was incredibly exhausted and managed to get a taxi back home. It is a relief that the hormone situation has been solved for now. I realised again that I have guilt, shame and embarrassment feelings about the hormones. I had a little rant on IRC about my issues in fact last night, which helped me feel better. The thing I feel guilty about is that I feel I'm intervening in nature, where I just have male hormones. It feels sometimes like I'm playing God or something other like that. I also don't know whether I should be allowed hormones or whether they are essential for me as I don't really identify as a woman or female. I identify as something else, not male but genderqueer. I use the term genderqueer to describe how I feel in between androgyne and female. Sometimes I don't think I deserve or should be taking female hormones if I don't identify as 100 % female. This makes me feel guilty and worried sometimes. I also feel like I'm being selfish or vain because I want to change my appearance and how people see and perceive me. I wonder whether I really should be self-centred. It almost feels like I should take what life gave me. I have wondered whether procrastination has a lot to do with things at the moment. I have sometimes likened my soul searching and transitioning to a personal crusade. I chose the word crusade because it seems to take up so much of my mental energy. It sometimes feel like it's not just me that is changing, but I am also trying to change the world as well. I think this is why I see it also as a crusade. I want to change how the world sees me. I know now that this often doesn't take much effort at all. I just have to be myself these days and people see me different and this is cool. But it is the times when I'm so obviously gendered as male that makes me lose moral. These little actions sometimes go as far as making me feel change is impossible. I have also found that the more I relax my procrastination, gain confidence and let the barriers down and become to feel more free as a person, I warm to my transitioning, my desires and my wants become more stronger. This then leads to me to a point where all these things feel unattainable eventually. I begin to look at cissexual women and see what I can never have. It then feels like being a pessimist is the only way out of this, and this of course is detrimental. It's like the more I open up, the more I open myself up to disappointment. It's like going from one pain to another. I guess I need to find some kind of good balance here. Fighting my desires sometimes seems the most easy way to prevent any problems for me. Pronouns are getting a bit frustrating again lately especially concerning my mom. She seems to be the one that uses male pronouns for me the most in my life at the moment. The issue is I feel unable to stop her using male pronouns. I always want her to use gender neutral pronouns but then I wonder whether in the future my pronoun desires will change, from gender neutral to female and I will look silly. Its like I am trying to hide my progress from others. Maybe I should let others see how I am changing or evolving. I wish I didn't find transition so daunting and that I wasn't so much of a wimp. I wish I didn't have that tendency to want to run and hide sometimes. I am a totally different place to where I was before. I have came to the acceptance and understanding that I am not male. Inside I know it is no longer possible to try reverse this. I know it's not a good idea to reverse this also. The best thing to do is to work hard to find some kind of solution. I have come a long way but I don't like having to be the strong one. I just want to go with the flow of life sometimes. The world is a very busy place and a maze and it's not so much fun navigating it. It just seems even more more of one when one is starting all over again. On a rather fun thing to end this journal entry I opened the front door this morning (in my dressing gown) to the Bin man and he immediately said “hello love”. The only sad thing but a bit funny was that he then said “oh, sorry mate”. Its cool how I don't have to do anything to be gendered as female. your cut contents here.
