REGISTERING WITH GP'S, SMALL TOWNS OF ENGLAND, & GLBTQ PRIDE
Today I registered with the Health centre where I am living with my parents again. I knew it was an important thing for me to do just in case I got ill and also because of my gender issues. I became so aware of how anxious I felt walking into the building and asking for the registration forms.
I often feel that by identifying what is making me anxious in a situation I can work to solve the problem. In this case it was a mixture of memories and a possible lack of anonymity. I know that there won't be any breach of confidentiality but I just got a bit worked up over it. One of the doctors here was the first person I had told about what was on my mind. He was fine about it but I had later decided to see the lady doctor, although she is now on long-term sick leave. I hope that the lady doctor will be good though I have had she is nice. It is almost like if I see the doctor everyone will know. It's obvious to me that I still feel very anxious about bringing up my issues with a variety of people. I did gain confidence with my last doctor so I know it won't be all that bad. I tend to feel the need to hold it all back still but fortunately I'm able to stop this urge. I don't mind at all talking to other trans people about what’s going on in my mind. I am sure that I feel embarrassed about my feelings still. One thing I wasn’t happy about was how the registration pack was full of tick boxes asking for gender. I could hardly leave these tick boxes clear although I wanted to. Nor could I have ticked female because I bet I could have got some trouble for that.
I am so scared very recently about becoming more introverted about my issues. In my opinion the only way I can stop this is by talking with people and being open. On the plus point I felt really good about my appearance today. I was wearing my green hoodie, which I found out makes me look kind of androgynous. I went into town and noticed a how different I felt here than in somewhere like London. I seem to feel this uncomfortable atmosphere around me, almost like I stick out like a sore thumb. I kept wondering with a big grin whether I actually passed as male. I have this little scenario in my head that I keep imagining where someone tells me I'm in the wrong toilets and should be in the ladies. I want this to happen for some strange reason. Maybe no one even noticed me at all walking about town. It could be good for me and allow me to gain more confidence. I often think how good it would be to leave for somewhere like Brighton, Manchester or London where there is more diversity. This sounds like I'm trying to run away from my demons though and I think I need to confront them.
As some people might know I was in the London LGBTQ Pride march at the weekend. It was a fantastic experience and one I will never forget. I also considered it a kind of second date with someone I know. We’ve mutually decided to stay friends and I hope we will become real good friends as well. I’m even happier because I found a photo of me. I’m the hamster cheeked grinning person below the green flag. I somehow marched with Trans Youth. Well, no one said anything because I maybe I look quite young. After all I’m rather smug that I got asked for identification in a bar a couple of days before, and I’m old!
I often feel that by identifying what is making me anxious in a situation I can work to solve the problem. In this case it was a mixture of memories and a possible lack of anonymity. I know that there won't be any breach of confidentiality but I just got a bit worked up over it. One of the doctors here was the first person I had told about what was on my mind. He was fine about it but I had later decided to see the lady doctor, although she is now on long-term sick leave. I hope that the lady doctor will be good though I have had she is nice. It is almost like if I see the doctor everyone will know. It's obvious to me that I still feel very anxious about bringing up my issues with a variety of people. I did gain confidence with my last doctor so I know it won't be all that bad. I tend to feel the need to hold it all back still but fortunately I'm able to stop this urge. I don't mind at all talking to other trans people about what’s going on in my mind. I am sure that I feel embarrassed about my feelings still. One thing I wasn’t happy about was how the registration pack was full of tick boxes asking for gender. I could hardly leave these tick boxes clear although I wanted to. Nor could I have ticked female because I bet I could have got some trouble for that.
I am so scared very recently about becoming more introverted about my issues. In my opinion the only way I can stop this is by talking with people and being open. On the plus point I felt really good about my appearance today. I was wearing my green hoodie, which I found out makes me look kind of androgynous. I went into town and noticed a how different I felt here than in somewhere like London. I seem to feel this uncomfortable atmosphere around me, almost like I stick out like a sore thumb. I kept wondering with a big grin whether I actually passed as male. I have this little scenario in my head that I keep imagining where someone tells me I'm in the wrong toilets and should be in the ladies. I want this to happen for some strange reason. Maybe no one even noticed me at all walking about town. It could be good for me and allow me to gain more confidence. I often think how good it would be to leave for somewhere like Brighton, Manchester or London where there is more diversity. This sounds like I'm trying to run away from my demons though and I think I need to confront them.
As some people might know I was in the London LGBTQ Pride march at the weekend. It was a fantastic experience and one I will never forget. I also considered it a kind of second date with someone I know. We’ve mutually decided to stay friends and I hope we will become real good friends as well. I’m even happier because I found a photo of me. I’m the hamster cheeked grinning person below the green flag. I somehow marched with Trans Youth. Well, no one said anything because I maybe I look quite young. After all I’m rather smug that I got asked for identification in a bar a couple of days before, and I’m old!