FRAGILITY, FEAR, ANXIETY BUT WHY?
Today is one of those funny days again. The only way I can describe it as feeling very fragile, fearful and panicky. I'm unsure how to solve this just at the moment but I'm sure it will pass. Maybe I will get out for some fresh air to clear my head. I've been feeling so much confident with myself lately. I knew I had to stay calm and collected though. I think this funny mood of mine was caused somewhat by a conversation I was having with someone yesterday night. I was tired and feeling a bit vulnerable. Maybe I should have just taken time out and excused myself earlier and I will remember to do this when I start to feel stressed. It wasn't my friend's fault because they can't know how I'm feeling. I think I had already felt a bit on the edge from earlier in the morning. I had heard my mom come back from work so went to greet her. My step-dad was there as well. My mom had bought some Belgium buns for a treat. Firstly, even though this was really kind I get a bit stressed having unhealthy food around all the time. This is the problem I'm experiencing living back at home. I never bought unhealthy food when I lived alone and then there was no temptation or guilt about eating it. I might ask my mom only to buy treats for the weekend, which I prefer. Well, that was only part of the issue because secondly my mom blurted out "I've got a treat for you boys". My heart really sank at those words and I had to leave the room. It was almost like I'd just been kicked in the stomach. I almost had a tear in my eye as well. I realise my mom doesn't know what's going on in my life at the moment but I can't help but be affected by that. She knows that I've seen people about "gender issues". I'm just trying to make her see I'm changing without having to mention it all the time. I just stresses me that as I feel I'm back on the rails even little things like that get to me. Before when I'd put the brakes on and tried to stay put rather than go forward things like that didn't affect me and I just accepted them with a little "get over it". People might say that being called a boy is just a minor thing but I don't care. I will listen to their opinion but it's big to me at the moment and I can't help it and don't want to pretend otherwise. I have to take a step aside again now because I'm starting to feel the fear gripping me. I will take a more softly softy approach. I just wish I didn't make myself so vulnerable when I start the journey. I am sure with a bit of time to recover things will improve again though. After all writing this down has gone half way to make me feel better already.