The Conflict of the Inside & Outside, Female?, Connections and Relating, & Recognition...
Why is there this huge conflict with the outside and the inside of me, and why do I so desperately need to be the person I hide away inside of me? I have always felt like I have been living a lie, although how come I have grown so adapted to a lie? I do feel that hiding away seems the easiest thing to do yet at the same time the most painful thing to do.
I am not sure why who I am in the inside feels so strong yet suppressed. I have heard that it is generally not possible to be who we are on the inside on the outside. That much is meant to remain inside, however, who I am on the inside is too strong to just dismiss. I wish I could pinpoint the reason why I am so scared and unsure about how to be the person I am on the inside. The person I am on the inside does not seem to correspond with how I appear to the world. It doesn’t seem to match up with my place or role in life.
I also want to so desperately break out from within but I find it difficult to know how to do this alone. It makes it more difficult when I can not clearly define what I am hiding from the world. I think it is somehow a feeling that my current shell is a barrier to my true expression of who I am. I think I have to work out why I feel so suppressed inside.
It feels that I have lived so long trying to create a persona that corresponds with my outside shell that I have foolishly tried to suppress who I am on the inside. I then find out that how I feel inside is too strong to be suppressed forever, and it starts to fight back very strongly. I don’t think I can liberate myself overnight. I think the process of self liberation will be a very long process. However, the thought of liberating me is a liberating thought in itself.
I feel that trying to be how I feel inside very quickly would not be a wise move. I think if I let go then everything will be shone on the outside; insecurities, fears and my own hurt. I would make myself very vulnerable if I am not wise about becoming my true self. I don’t want everyone to be able to touch and prod all the sore points from inside me.
I know that I don’t feel male but I occasionally worry that I am mistaken in my feelings of being female instead. When I don’t relate to men and relate to women and feel like I am female I can’t help but place myself at the female side of the gender spectrum.
My mother told me that I shouldn’t necessary associate or relate to women by my mother. Her view causes conflict in me because I want to listen to her because she is my mother yet I can not seem to break off these feelings I have. My mother has always said that I don’t think like a woman. I try to tell her that I don’t feel I am female solely because I feel I think like a woman. To be honest this is at the back of my mind, and I think like an individual would think.
The feeling that I am female seems to be more at a subconscious level, and I can’t access the reasons why I feel this way even though I constantly feel the need to try. I feel I am an individual and that individual does not feel male and feels more strongly female.
One of my greatest fears is that when try to live how I feel inside I could find out that it wasn’t the way I perceived it would be. I fear that if I don’t feel either male or female that would be even more difficult to be someone in the world. In a way I feel that it would be difficult to define myself as a person. I will have to work out some plan of action if I find I can be neither male nor female.
I feel I am still trying to get a solid answer before I have even started my path of discovery. I feel this can’t be all that helpful to be honest. All this thoughts are confusing; however, I do have a feeling that I shouldn’t be making too much emphasis on a total exact feeling of being male or female. I am sure there are people out there who are comfortable in their given gender that occasionally wonder whether they are enough male or female. Yet they don’t try justifying who they are to the point I do.
All my life I have felt a connection with the females around me and more so than the males in my life. Yet I feel there has always been a barrier that prevents this connection to the extent I need it to be. I feel I have been in a way locked out from the female population where I feel I belong because of the way people see me as a male when I don’t feel I am. I have always yearned for women to see me as the same as them. I feel incredibly sad that my connection to other women is stronger than it is from women to me in return. This seems obviously because they see me as a man.
It feels like a constant impossible yearning to make the women around me realise that I feel just like them. It is a battle of recognition that I feel I will not be able to win. How can another woman see me as a woman if their eyes don’t show them that? Being referred to as a woman or a girl is inwardly exhilarating though it doesn’t do any favours for my keeping up the protective disguise I have. In a way I want to say people that they are incredibly right in what they say but at the same time I can’t because I feel it will bring ridicule. Even though when I am occasionally referred to as a woman it’s in a playful way I guess.
I feel there is so much in my head buried deep down that is difficult to pull up. Yet it slowly comes to the surface. I need to do some strong soul searching to find out once and for all what is going on in my life. I don’t want to carry on my entire life living two lives; one on the inside and one on the outside. It is too draining, difficult and a huge burden. I so desperately want to live how I feel I should live and that is hidden in the recesses of my heart.