Confronting Myself, Feelings of Having Lost Out on Life, Breaking the Old Mold & Flirting...
Things seem to be getting a bit too intense lately. In fact I am finding it difficult to deal with my feelings and also fighting them at the same time. It is almost like reality bites. Before I had started to confront my feelings I used to think that I wasn’t even feeling these things and it was all some kind of delusion. But the fact is this is all too real, and I have to find a way to deal with it for my future wellbeing. I just can’t believe how long I have spent dismissing these feelings and how successful they were pushed down inside me. In a way it feels foolish to keep things afloat that often dwelled deep down inside me. My head says I should do everything to prevent conflict and hurt.
I have some idea about why I tried to not deal with my issues earlier. I think I felt it would be a losing battle and I would not win either way. I felt that I would never be able to become the person I felt I was inside. I have been so tempted to stop all this soul searching because of how much it upsets me. Yet I have to be strong if I want to solve this lifelong issue.
I used to think that my issues were only related to depression. It is certainly brought on my depression. However, it is seems to be always dormant ready to come out. When I am down I think I am less able to keep other things about myself pushed down inside me.
I have often felt that if I deal with my issues there could be only one outcome. I have decided, however, to not think of any outcome and concentrate on the present and this seems sensible. Recently I have wanted to push myself almost to cracking point so I can see what happens. I still want to test my feelings to breaking point. An obvious problem I am also encountering is when I keep these feelings afloat to deal with them the need and desire to live as female stays afloat and also gets stronger.
I keep getting these metaphorical slaps in the face with my feelings. The truths that come out of my mouth are not particularly things I wanted to hear. I am so tempted to avoid my feelings but I fear the future if I take this route.
One of the reasons I don’t like accepting my feelings is that it makes me sad that I have lost out and been unable to go through the natural process of becoming a woman. I remember spending most of my time becoming a man agonising about it. My thoughts were mourning the fact I was losing my body. I think I must have accepted the fact that I had lost. These memories have been awakened very clearly recently and it hurts so much again.
I have decided that the best thing I can do in the meantime is try to break down this persona I have that causes me so much pain. I want to show the world that what they see on the outside is not me and I am different inside.
I wish I not worry so much about what I feel people might think of me. I wish I were more strong to stop this. It has been difficult for a long time to hide my feelings inside and I have always worried what I feel has been portrayed subconsciously on the outside. I have always been somewhat fearful that I appear how I feel and a fear of ridicule has grown inside of me.
I remember when I used to smoke cannabis and for some reason I often felt like I could not hold up this false persona very well then. I used to feel that my persona slipped and I became more like I am on the inside. This may have been because I was more relaxed and had less of a strong control over myself. I must have lost control of that inhibition. I knew that my best friend at university knew me well and he could tell I was hiding something. For this reason I feared him and the fact it was difficult to hide from him.
I am getting rather stressed and annoyed with myself lately because I don’t know how to deal with my issues. I have found myself trying to show the world very subtly through my actions and behaviour. I don’t like this because I feel I’m acting to try get a point across. It also seems like a bit of a cry for recognition. I am unsure whether I am trying to tell the world who I am or whether I am just relaxing and becoming more open. Either way I am a bit confused. I have a feeling I am just trying to let go and be myself yet at the same time I fear that it will cause me a lot of problems if I do this.
I had some thoughts about flirting which seems totally unrelated but I wanted to get these feelings down in writing. I have always been concerned that the way I feel most comfortable flirting with anyone is not the proper way for a “man” to attract someone. I fear that I am deluded myself on this subject, and that maybe I should be trying to attract someone like a man. I believe that I must have a slightly submissive streak in me as well and I don’t know whether that is good or healthy. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about how I want to attract someone and just be myself. I would like to know whether how I feel flirting should be done is normal. I see myself trying to attract someone in a subtle way through gestures and body language, and for some reason I want them to approach me because that feels the natural way.