Letting Go Of The Bulls Horns & Waiting For It To Charge Back At Me...
I feel in a confused state of mind this morning yet I can’t understand why. Maybe it is something to do with what I talked about with my counsellor. The things that we talked about are probably quite true and they seem to sound like sense. Yet I just don’t know what it all means now and in the future of my life. I think there must be more to it all.
The question that beats around my head is why if the way I learned to live life was more female I wonder why it was so natural to me. I feel that if most of it all was learned then it must have been all subliminal. I find it difficult to understand how a genetic male would not feel naturally male especially in my case.
I realise that there are males out there that identify with females maybe because of something like their upbringing. However, this doesn’t seem to simply describe how I feel inside.
I have a strong feeling and need for independence in my life yet the belonging I feel is not quite like other men. Even though I think most of this feeling of separation from men is sometimes brought on more intensely by being very tired. My emotions and feelings tend to intensify when I am tired.
At this exact point in time I am feeling emptiness because there are no strong feelings fighting there way out. I am feeling numb to the world around. The anxiety, confusion and sadness have waned for a while. Yet this worries me because I wonder where it all goes. Of course I don’t want to feel dysphoria about myself. I don’t like the jolt of it all coming back. Maybe a good way to put it is that I let go of the bulls horns and the bull is pacified. Though for some reason the bull is always ready to charge back at me.
I feel desperate to try put into words how I am feeling right now. When this is the case the feelings eat away at me inside. I wonder whether not feeling dysphoria is a how it is to feel male. Yet for some reason I can’t work out what it is to feel male. It would be helpful yet I realise rather silly if I had some kind of guidelines for what it is to feel you are male.
I do feel that when I’m not feeling dysphoria I am androgynous. I guess in the past I constantly tried to justify being a man by certain emotions and traits I experience. I considered what were masculine traits coming through me. These made me feel I was a man. Yet now in the present my idea of masculine and feminine traits has been somewhat turned upside down.
What I used to deem as purely masculine and feminine traits don’t seem to ring true anymore. This has left me without the ability to use emotions and traits as a way to justify who I am. Increasingly I have witnessed what I used to deem as masculine and feminine traits in both males and females.
Coupled with my use of traits to justify who I am and my absence of feeling like I am male I have come to a rather difficult and new struggle to continue seeing myself as just a man.
I think like most people my sense of self must shift along the gender spectrum. I feel that one doesn’t have to always feel they are one or the other to have a happy life, however, with the questioning and dysphoria I have I just need something solid to work on sometimes.