New Dreams In My Sleep, And My Dissection Of My Femininity
This morning I felt very strange and it is difficult to describe how I felt. The largest feelings are frustration, irritation and depression. I feel I am frustrated with what seems like absolutely everything. I am actually irritated and frustrated by my own presence. I think the best explanation I can think of for feeling this way is tiredness. I also feel very upset for a reason I can not pin-point and I want to cry but cannot because I don’t know why I’m upset.
I feel a good explanation for my frustration, irritation and depression is because I just don’t seem to know what I need in life. I wish I had someone who knows me full and full to just hug me and give me the attention and care I need. I want someone who I am completely open to, understanding and accepting who will show unconditional love and attention.
I feel the need to punish myself and for some reason it is for just being myself. I feel I want to beat myself out of this lumber as well.
Last night I had more cross gender related dreams and now I am confused and concerned why these are happening. I have always thought that dreams are there to help you understand yourself and they tell you something you need to know. What these dreams could be telling me about myself makes me more scared of the person I could be.
I feel I am keeping Pandora’s Box open and this must be stressing me. I have never had more in depth dreams about my gender feelings before. If dreams never lie to you then what is that saying? Maybe it is saying that I have real issues and I have to address them. I am quite shocked because my dreams are my true feelings undeterred by the outside world. I am shocked because of the feeling of how significant my dreams are.
The scariest part of my recent dream was the fact that everyone saw me as a woman. I have never experienced this type of dream before. I don’t recall everything about my self in the dream though part of the dream was set in a hairdressers’ of all places. I had very long hair and we were trying to work out what the best style would be for me. People have said that hair is a symbol of a person’s femininity and maybe my mind was playing with this theme.
In another part of the dream I was shopping again in town for clothes. However, I could not make any decisions and didn’t see anything I really liked in the shops. I ended up leaving with nothing and feeling frustrated and irritated. Maybe this also has a meaning.
I often feel overpowered by my feeling of being feminine and a female. I have thought that I become overly aware of how I feel because I feel I should not be feeling this way because I’m male. I consider that females born female would not have become overly aware of feeling feminine or mystified by it so much because they know they are female physically. I believe if I were born physically female then I would not even think twice about how I often feel.
I find it difficult to describe to myself why I feel feminine or female. I often feel the need to try describe it because I need to know what I feel is real and I am also trying to debunk the feelings. I feel that my idea of my femininity is not exactly how everyone would describe it. My feeling of femininity feels like my strength within. I feel the femininity I feel is somewhat related to my insight, spiritual power, reason, composure, organisation, flexibility. My femininity is my connection with my flesh and bone. I feel it also makes me more aware of humanity and nature.
I do not understand what it is to feel masculine for some reason. I have wondered whether masculinity and femininity are real feelings. They are certainly words invented by man. Though, how can I debunk this core feeling that I am female? It seems it is not possible to debunk my feelings of being feminine.