The finished product. Thanksgiving With The Meyers
Okee dokee. I finally finished the rest of the play for my class Final. I know it needs a lot of tweeking, but I don't have the time or the energy to do anything else to it. Anyway, I'm sure it'll be just fine. Enjoy!
CAST:
LAURA MEYER - Daughter
ERIC STOLTZ - LAURA’s fiancé
MR. DAVID MEYERS - Father
MRS. KATHERINE MEYERS - Mother
JEREMY MEYERS - Son
Scene 1
(ERIC STOLTZ is in his living room, putting on his coat, and gathering up luggage. He stands on the right-side of the stage, by the living room’s front door. He is calling to LAURA MEYER, who is just off-stage to the left-side.)
ERIC
Laura! For Christ sakes, Laura! Would you hurry up already? The taxi is here and we don’t want to be late for our flight!
LAURA
(can be heard from off-stage)
Eric, have you seen my blue woolen scarf? I thought it was here in the bedroom! Did I already pack it or something?
ERIC
It’s right here on the hall tree, next to your coat. You know… where it always is.
LAURA
Hey, did you remember to pack your toothbrush? Slippers? What about your swim shorts?
ERIC
Swim shorts?! Laura, it’s November, 18 below and snowing outside right now. Why in the world would I bring my swim shorts to your family’s house for Thanksgiving?
LAURA
(rushes onstage from the left-side of the stage to Eric, with several pieces of luggage)
What if you decide you want to take one of those polar bear swims in their pool while we’re there? Believe me; it’s always best to plan ahead for these things.
ERIC
I doubt I’ll be wanting to swim in this weather, babe.
LAURA
I dunno… you may change your mind after meeting my parents. Give them about 10 minutes and I promise you’ll be wishing you were drowning yourself in that pool.
ERIC
You’re just nervous. I’m sure your family and I will get along just fine. I’ll compliment your mother’s cooking, talk football with your dad, and play some Xbox with your little brother, Jeremy, and I’m sure they’ll be begging me to marry you. It’s only for three days. I’m sure everything will be just fine.
LAURA
It’s just… it’s just that you don’t know them like I do.
(sighs)
Just remember… this whole thing was your idea. We could have just had a simple, relaxing Thanksgiving with Maria and Gary. They’re safe people. SANE people.
ERIC
(kisses LAURA on the forehead and hugs her close)
Naw… I think I feel safer with the Insane. I mean, that’s why I love you so much, right?
LAURA
(smiles)
Smart-ass!
ERIC
(laughs)
Now, c’mon. Get your coat and scarf on while I load these bags into the taxi. Our flight leaves in just a few hours and you know the airport is going to be a mess.
(The two kiss as the scene ends)
Scene 2
(MRS. MEYERS is setting the table for Thanksgiving. Mr. Meyers is sitting on the sofa watching football on TV with the volume off.)
MRS. MEYERS
Where are they? They should’ve been here over two hours ago! If they’re running late, they should have at least called. Do you think something happened to their plane? Do you think maybe it went down over the mountains somewhere? Oh, goodness! They’re probably dead! On Thanksgiving! Honey! Turn on the news! See if any planes have crashed!
MR. MEYERS
Settle down, Katherine! You’re just being paranoid. It’s the Holidays damn it! Their flight was probably just delayed, that’s all. Now, cool your jets so I can watch some football in peace!
MRS. MEYERS
How can you watch football at a time like this? They’re dead, David! They’ve crashed into some remote mountainside and they’ve been burned alive! Oh, my poor baby girl… (sobs) Or what if they’re not dead? What if they’ve crashed and they survived? They’re probably on that freezing mountainside, stranded, waiting for rescue, and so hungry that they’re eating one another’s buttocks to survive! My poor little Laura’s butt cheek is someone’s Thanksgiving dinner! (sobs harder)
MR. MEYERS
Well, that just means there’s more turkey for us to go around. Can I get another Budweiser over here?
MRS. MEYERS
(brings MR. MEYERS a beer)
You really shouldn’t be drinking so much before dinner, David. You’re going to be meeting Laura’s boyfriend for the first time tonight and I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be drunk before they show up.
MR. MEYERS
Whaddya mean, “… before they show up”? They’re eating one another’s buttocks on some mountainside right now, remember?
(MRS. MEYERS rushes off-stage to the kitchen sobbing after hearing this.)
While you’re in there, grab me another bag of those pretzels!
(JEREMY walks in from other side of stage, talking on a cordless phone which is resting on his shoulder, while playing a video game device.)
JEREMY
(talking into phone)
Yeah… Totally, man. Dan almost broke his arm, dude! It was hilarious! We had this shopping cart, right? And we were racing around the Wal Mart parking lot with him in it, right? So, we totally let go of it and he went flying down the parking lot into back of someone’s Trans Am, and he… Damn it! I just fucking died again!
(throws video game device on the floor)
MR. MEYERS
Jeremy! Watch your damned mouth, son! I don’t want to hear that kind of shit-talk in my house!
JEREMY
(to MR. MEYER)
Sorry, Dad. Geez!
(to phone)
Sorry, man… My dad is such an old man, sometimes. So, yeah, Dan hit the back of the Trans Am and flew out of the cart, right over the car. He landed face first on the hood. It was awesome! What’s that? Naw, dude. He’ll be alright. Didn’t break anything. I’m gonna go visit him in the hospital tomorrow, though. The doctor said he got some sort of head trauma or something. I’m gonna see what happens if I unplug some of the machines he’s hooked-up to.
MR. MEYERS
Jeremy! Get off that damned phone! Your sister might be trying to call!
JEREMY
Dude… I gotta get off the phone. My old man is being a total douche. Okay, man. I’ll call you later.
(hangs up the phone and plops down on the couch next to MR. MEYERS)
MR. MEYER
How long have you been on that phone?
JEREMY
Chill, Dad! I was only on there for, like, two hours or something. Why are you flipping out on me?
MR. MEYERS
Two hours?! What if your sister was trying to call? She and her boyfriend are late and your mother is having a melt-down. If she found out you were tying up the phone line that entire time, you’ll be the only turkey we’ll be eating tonight.
JEREMY
I wouldn’t have to tie up the phone line if you’d get me a cell phone like I’ve been asking for all year!
MR. MEYERS
Nuh-uh! No way! You’re only fifteen years old, Jeremy. There’s no way in hell you’re getting a cell phone. You don’t even have a job, yet. How the hell do you think you’re gonna pay for the damned thing?
JEREMY
I figured you would. I mean, you bought one for Laura when she was my age. It’s no fair!
MR. MEYERS
Laura is different. She’s always been a responsible young lady, unlike you.
JEREMY
I’m no lady.
MR. MEYERS
You’re throwing a fit like one right now. Anyway, she’s a girl, too. I bought her that phone in case of emergencies. You know, like date rape or being hit by a car.
JEREMY
What about me? What if I’m hit by a car?
MR. MEYERS
Well, then you probably deserved it. Knowing you and your friends, you’d probably be found in a ditch somewhere, all mangled-up in some Wal Mart shopping cart.
JEREMY
(Jumps off of couch and storms out of the room)
God, I hate you, Dad!
MR. MEYERS
There’s always Military School, son!
(to self)
Jesus, I need to get that kid a leash or something.
(MRS. MEYERS enters the room, carrying a bag of pretzels out to MR. MEYERS)
MRS. MEYERS
What was with all that shouting? Were you shouting at the T.V. again? I told you that the referees can’t hear you, David.
MR. MEYERS
No, I wasn’t shouting at the damned T.V. Jeremy’s just being a punk-ass teenager again. Turns out he’s been on the phone for the past few hours with his friends.
MRS. MEYERS
What?! What if Laura was trying to call all that time?
MR. MEYERS
That’s what I was telling the boy. Threw a fit because I won’t buy him a cell phone.
MRS. MEYERS
You better not have threatened him with Military School again, David. He’s just a teenage boy. Boys will be boys!
MR. MEYERS
Stop babying the kid. He was raised under this roof by the two of us. He should be more responsible, like his sister, damn it.
(The door bell rings and MRS. MEYERS rushes to the door to answer it to find LAURA and ERIC standing outside with their bags in hand, covered in snow)
MRS. MEYERS
Laura! Oh, David, it’s Laura! She’s here!
LAURA
Hi, Mom!
(They hug.)
MRS. MEYERS
And you must be Eric! We’ve heard so much about you. Come in, you two. Come in.
ERIC
Thank you, Mrs. Meyers. You’re just as beautiful as Laura said you were.
(hugs MRS. MEYERS and gives her a peck on her cheek.)
(MR. MEYERS gets off couch to hug his daughter)
MR. MEYERS
Hello, Princess!
(to ERIC, while extending his hand for a handshake)
It’s good to meet, you, Eric.
(ERIC gives MR. MEYERS a hug instead, which MR. MEYERS reacts stunned, not hugging back.)
ERIC
It’s great to meet you, too, Sir. You have a lovely home.
LAURA
Sorry it took us so long to get here. Our flight was delayed for a few hours and I tried calling you several times, but the line was busy.
MR. MEYERS
(yelling off-stage)
Jeremy! You’re grounded for a month!
MRS. MEYERS
Let me take your bags, honey. Go ahead and hang your coats up on the coat tree and make yourselves comfortable. You both must be freezing! This weather is just dreadful. I’ll prepare a cup of hot cocoa for you both to warm up with before dinner.
ERIC
Thank you, Mrs. Meyers. That’s very thoughtful of you.
MRS. MEYERS
(Gathers up suitcases with a giggle at ERIC’S politeness)
Oh, my! You can just call me Katherine. Now, go have a seat and relax.
LAURA
Mom, let me help you with those.
(Both exit stage with suitcases)
(MR. MEYERS and ERIC both sit on the couch and begin watching football together)
MR. MEYERS
You a football fan, Eric?
ERIC
Oh, yes sir! Detroit Lions fan since I was a kid.
MR. MEYERS
Are you kidding me? Lions? I said, “Football”, Eric, not grab-ass! The Packers, boy. The Packers are America’s golden boys. Mike McCarthy is gonna make all of Detroit cry even harder than when the Motor City was crushed by the recession.
ERIC
Uh… Detroit is my hometown. My father recently lost his job at Ford because of recession.
MR. MEYERS
Was he a Democrat?
ERIC
Yeah, why?
MR. MEYERS
Then he probably had it coming anyway.
(ERIC just sits quietly, staring at the TV)
Scene 3
(MR. MEYERS, ERIC, LAURA, and JEREMY are all sitting at the dining room table. Most of the food is already on the table and they are waiting for MRS. MEYERS who is off-stage in the kitchen. MR. MEYERS sits on one end of the table with ERIC, LAURA, and JEREMY sitting along another side, facing the audience.)
MR. MEYERS
Hurry it up in there, Katherine! We’re gonna start without you if you don’t get your butt in here with that turkey!
ERIC
Say, Jeremy. How about have a little one-on-one with you Xbox after dinner. I play a mean Guitar Hero!
JEREMY
Guitar Hero is for gay-wads.
LAURA
Jeremy, you little troll, don’t talk to Eric like that! He just wants to play a game with you.
JEREMY
Okay, fine. Let’s play some Guitar Hero after dinner. And maybe, after that, we can call up some cute boys from school and then hang-up on them when they answer.
MR. MEYERS
Now who’s being the gay-wad, Jeremy?
(shouts)
KATHERINE! Hurry up!
(MRS. MEYERS comes in from off-stage right, carrying a large turkey on a platter. She sets it in the center of the table and every applauds)
MRS. MEYERS
Patience is a virtue, dear. Everything is ready, so I guess it’s time to dig in. Eric, would do us the honor of carving the turkey?
(hands ERIC the carving knife)
ERIC
Of course, Mrs. Meyers. Wow! The turkey looks good enough to eat. I can hardly wait to gobble it down.
(MRS. MEYERS giggles at his joke and takes her seat at the end of the table, opposite of MR. MEYERS. MR. MEYERS and JEREMY both make a little groan and roll their eyes.)
LAURA
Mom really is an awesome cook. I look forward to her Turkey every Thanksgiving. I promise you that you’ve never tasted a turkey like hers.
MRS. MEYERS
Oh, Laura! Stop that now. You’re making me blush. I just truss it up like anyone else would. However, the stuffing I use is my own recipe. It’s made of white bread, spices, and a secret ingredient.
(ERIC begins carving into the turkey.)
MR. MEYERS
What are you doing? Don’t cut like that! It’s like you’re just hacking away at the damned bird. Did your Democratic, Obama-loving parents teach you how to carve a turkey?
(JEREMY laughs out loud, and then buries his face into his hands to stop. LAURA elbows him hard in the ribs. ERIC stops carving momentarily, takes a deep breath, and tries to act like he’s not annoyed by what MR. MEYERS just said.)
MRS. MEYERS
David Meyers! Curb that tongue of yours! I told you that you shouldn’t have had so many beers before we ate. Now you’re making poor Eric uncomfortable.
MR. MEYERS
He’s making me uncomfortable the way he’s stabbing at that turkey. Eric, what do you for a living? Are you a serial killer or some sort of cattle slaughterer?
LAURA
Dad! Stop acting like such an ass! Eric is real estate agent for Darling Homes Real Estate. He’s very successful and is even being considered for a promotion.
JEREMY
More like ‘Darling HOMOS Real Estate’…
LAURA
Shut your little trap, Turd. At least he’s got a job.
MR. MEYERS
Stop it, both of you! And you’re sister’s right, Jeremy. Get a job.
JEREMY
Why do you always take her side? I mean, she’s the one here with a loser girlfriend who can’t even carve a turkey.
(ERIC is still standing over the turkey, holding the knife, not moving, and staring straight ahead.)
MR. MEYERS
That’s because she’s more mature and responsible than you are, even if her boyfriend is a sissy Detroit Lions fan. Maybe if we send your ass to Military School once and for all, you’ll come back a grown man, able to go out into world and get a decent job.
JEREMY
Screw you! You want me to go to Military School that bad? Fine! Anything to get out of this house! I’ll start packing right now!
(JEREMY stands up from the table and storms off-stage, knocking some pictures off the wall as he goes)
MR. MEYERS
(shouting after JEREMY.)
It’s about damned time! Don’t forget to pack plenty of clean underwear!
MRS. MEYERS
Stop it! All of you just stop it! You’re upsetting Eric and dinner is going to go to waste. Let’s just sit down and enjoy this meal like a family. Jeremy! Please come back to table and have some turkey!
JEREMY
(from off-stage.)
Choke on your fucking turkey!
MRS. MEYERS
(begins sobbing.)
Why can’t we just have a normal dinner?
LAURA
Oh, Mom. Don’t get upset. Jeremy is just being a snot right now. Let him cool off for awhile. I’m sure he’ll come around. And, Dad… I don’t appreciate you talking about your future son-in-law like that.
(Everyone stops suddenly. MR. MEYERS and MRS. MEYERS both look at ERIC with surprise. ERIC is still standing completely still, staring straight out ahead, but cracks a nervous wide grin.)
MR. MEYERS
WHAT?!
(ERIC is so startled, he drops the knife and accidentally cuts his hand.)
You two are engaged?! Why didn’t you tell us this earlier? We just meet the kid and you two are already getting married?
LAURA
Oh my god! Eric! You’ve cut yourself pretty bad!
(ERIC looks down at his hand, sees the cut, and then passes out on the floor.)
Oh, Dad! He’s really hurt! We need to get him to a hospital! He may need stitches!
MRS. MEYERS
Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! He’s bleeding everywhere! I’ll grab some paper towels!
(runs off-stage to kitchen.)
MR. MEYERS
He not only cut the turkey in ribbons, but he bled all over the damned thing as well. Why would you want to marry a Left-y Democrat like him anyway?
LAURA
Would you just shut up, Dad? I love, Eric! He’s great to me. He was the one who suggested we have Thanksgiving with all of us in the first place. He’s not selfish and demeaning like you, Dad! Now, help me get him to the car. I need to drive him to the hospital now!
(MR. MEYERS and LAURA hoist ERIC between the both of them and move to the front door to leave.)
MR. MEYERS
Don’t think that just because your boyfriend is bleeding to death, you’re gonna get out of this conversation. He’s not winning any points with me. I’m missing the rest of the football game and he ruined our dinner!
LAURA
Just give me the car keys, Dad. You’re in no condition to drive us to the hospital right now.
MR. MEYERS
Fine. You drive, but I’m coming with you. Someone needs to make sure Mr. Real Estate doesn’t bleed all over my car’s interior.
(MR. MEYERS, LAURA, and ERIC exit through the front door and a few seconds later Mrs. Meyers returns from the kitchen carrying several rolls of paper towels.)
MRS. MEYERS
I brought a few rolls! Is he still bleeding badly? Oh, I hope he didn’t bump his head when he fell!
(stops in the middle of the room, realizing everyone is gone.)
Laura? Eric? David, dear? Where did you all go?
(drops the paper towel rolls and slumps back into her dining room chair. For several moments she just stares at all the food at the table, and then suddenly begins to sob into her hands. After a short cry, she reaches down for one of the paper towel rolls and tears a few sheets off to dry eyes. After composing herself again, she reaches for some of the food and begins to fill her plate. After a few bites, she begins talking to the empty table as though the family was still all sitting together.)
How are the mashed potatoes, Jeremy dear?
(She moves to JEREMY’s seat and attempts to talk and act like JEREMY.)
I’ve had better…
(She moves to MR. MEYERS’ chair and attempts to talk and act like MR. MEYERS.)
Don’t talk about your Mother’s cooking like that, boy. It tastes delicious, honey.
(She then moves to LAURA’s seat and attempts to talk and act like LAURA.)
I have an announcement to make. Eric proposed to me last week and we’re getting married!
(She moves back to her own chair again.)
Oh my goodness! That’s wonderful, dear! Did you hear that, David? You’re going to have a son-in-law!
(She moves to MR. MEYERS chair and acts like MR. MEYERS.)
Oh, Princess! I’m so proud of you! Welcome to the family, Eric. Laura couldn’t have picked a more charming man to marry.
(She moves to ERIC’s chair and attempts to act like ERIC. Acts coy and blushes.)
Thank you, Mr. Meyers. You and your lovely wife do me too much justice.
(She moves to MR. MEYERS chair and acts like MR. MEYERS.)
Nonsense. And please. Call us Mom and Dad.
(Winks at ERIC’S chair. Moves back to ERIC’s chair and begins to talk like ERIC.)
Sure thing… Dad. And Mom, this turkey is delicious! I don’t think I’ve ever had a turkey quite like this.
(She moves back to her own chair again. Giggles at ERIC’s chair.)
Eric… I mean, son, you’re too polite. I just cook it like anyone else would. However, the stuffing I use is my own recipe. It’s made of white bread, spices, and a secret ingredient. And since you’re part of the family now, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to tell you what the secret ingredient is.
(She suddenly turns somber and chokes back a sob.)
The secret ingredient is…
(She starts sobbing uncontrollably.)
The Secret ingredient… is… is apples!
(She slumps over the table, crying into her arms.)
The End.
CAST:
LAURA MEYER - Daughter
ERIC STOLTZ - LAURA’s fiancé
MR. DAVID MEYERS - Father
MRS. KATHERINE MEYERS - Mother
JEREMY MEYERS - Son
Scene 1
(ERIC STOLTZ is in his living room, putting on his coat, and gathering up luggage. He stands on the right-side of the stage, by the living room’s front door. He is calling to LAURA MEYER, who is just off-stage to the left-side.)
ERIC
Laura! For Christ sakes, Laura! Would you hurry up already? The taxi is here and we don’t want to be late for our flight!
LAURA
(can be heard from off-stage)
Eric, have you seen my blue woolen scarf? I thought it was here in the bedroom! Did I already pack it or something?
ERIC
It’s right here on the hall tree, next to your coat. You know… where it always is.
LAURA
Hey, did you remember to pack your toothbrush? Slippers? What about your swim shorts?
ERIC
Swim shorts?! Laura, it’s November, 18 below and snowing outside right now. Why in the world would I bring my swim shorts to your family’s house for Thanksgiving?
LAURA
(rushes onstage from the left-side of the stage to Eric, with several pieces of luggage)
What if you decide you want to take one of those polar bear swims in their pool while we’re there? Believe me; it’s always best to plan ahead for these things.
ERIC
I doubt I’ll be wanting to swim in this weather, babe.
LAURA
I dunno… you may change your mind after meeting my parents. Give them about 10 minutes and I promise you’ll be wishing you were drowning yourself in that pool.
ERIC
You’re just nervous. I’m sure your family and I will get along just fine. I’ll compliment your mother’s cooking, talk football with your dad, and play some Xbox with your little brother, Jeremy, and I’m sure they’ll be begging me to marry you. It’s only for three days. I’m sure everything will be just fine.
LAURA
It’s just… it’s just that you don’t know them like I do.
(sighs)
Just remember… this whole thing was your idea. We could have just had a simple, relaxing Thanksgiving with Maria and Gary. They’re safe people. SANE people.
ERIC
(kisses LAURA on the forehead and hugs her close)
Naw… I think I feel safer with the Insane. I mean, that’s why I love you so much, right?
LAURA
(smiles)
Smart-ass!
ERIC
(laughs)
Now, c’mon. Get your coat and scarf on while I load these bags into the taxi. Our flight leaves in just a few hours and you know the airport is going to be a mess.
(The two kiss as the scene ends)
Scene 2
(MRS. MEYERS is setting the table for Thanksgiving. Mr. Meyers is sitting on the sofa watching football on TV with the volume off.)
MRS. MEYERS
Where are they? They should’ve been here over two hours ago! If they’re running late, they should have at least called. Do you think something happened to their plane? Do you think maybe it went down over the mountains somewhere? Oh, goodness! They’re probably dead! On Thanksgiving! Honey! Turn on the news! See if any planes have crashed!
MR. MEYERS
Settle down, Katherine! You’re just being paranoid. It’s the Holidays damn it! Their flight was probably just delayed, that’s all. Now, cool your jets so I can watch some football in peace!
MRS. MEYERS
How can you watch football at a time like this? They’re dead, David! They’ve crashed into some remote mountainside and they’ve been burned alive! Oh, my poor baby girl… (sobs) Or what if they’re not dead? What if they’ve crashed and they survived? They’re probably on that freezing mountainside, stranded, waiting for rescue, and so hungry that they’re eating one another’s buttocks to survive! My poor little Laura’s butt cheek is someone’s Thanksgiving dinner! (sobs harder)
MR. MEYERS
Well, that just means there’s more turkey for us to go around. Can I get another Budweiser over here?
MRS. MEYERS
(brings MR. MEYERS a beer)
You really shouldn’t be drinking so much before dinner, David. You’re going to be meeting Laura’s boyfriend for the first time tonight and I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be drunk before they show up.
MR. MEYERS
Whaddya mean, “… before they show up”? They’re eating one another’s buttocks on some mountainside right now, remember?
(MRS. MEYERS rushes off-stage to the kitchen sobbing after hearing this.)
While you’re in there, grab me another bag of those pretzels!
(JEREMY walks in from other side of stage, talking on a cordless phone which is resting on his shoulder, while playing a video game device.)
JEREMY
(talking into phone)
Yeah… Totally, man. Dan almost broke his arm, dude! It was hilarious! We had this shopping cart, right? And we were racing around the Wal Mart parking lot with him in it, right? So, we totally let go of it and he went flying down the parking lot into back of someone’s Trans Am, and he… Damn it! I just fucking died again!
(throws video game device on the floor)
MR. MEYERS
Jeremy! Watch your damned mouth, son! I don’t want to hear that kind of shit-talk in my house!
JEREMY
(to MR. MEYER)
Sorry, Dad. Geez!
(to phone)
Sorry, man… My dad is such an old man, sometimes. So, yeah, Dan hit the back of the Trans Am and flew out of the cart, right over the car. He landed face first on the hood. It was awesome! What’s that? Naw, dude. He’ll be alright. Didn’t break anything. I’m gonna go visit him in the hospital tomorrow, though. The doctor said he got some sort of head trauma or something. I’m gonna see what happens if I unplug some of the machines he’s hooked-up to.
MR. MEYERS
Jeremy! Get off that damned phone! Your sister might be trying to call!
JEREMY
Dude… I gotta get off the phone. My old man is being a total douche. Okay, man. I’ll call you later.
(hangs up the phone and plops down on the couch next to MR. MEYERS)
MR. MEYER
How long have you been on that phone?
JEREMY
Chill, Dad! I was only on there for, like, two hours or something. Why are you flipping out on me?
MR. MEYERS
Two hours?! What if your sister was trying to call? She and her boyfriend are late and your mother is having a melt-down. If she found out you were tying up the phone line that entire time, you’ll be the only turkey we’ll be eating tonight.
JEREMY
I wouldn’t have to tie up the phone line if you’d get me a cell phone like I’ve been asking for all year!
MR. MEYERS
Nuh-uh! No way! You’re only fifteen years old, Jeremy. There’s no way in hell you’re getting a cell phone. You don’t even have a job, yet. How the hell do you think you’re gonna pay for the damned thing?
JEREMY
I figured you would. I mean, you bought one for Laura when she was my age. It’s no fair!
MR. MEYERS
Laura is different. She’s always been a responsible young lady, unlike you.
JEREMY
I’m no lady.
MR. MEYERS
You’re throwing a fit like one right now. Anyway, she’s a girl, too. I bought her that phone in case of emergencies. You know, like date rape or being hit by a car.
JEREMY
What about me? What if I’m hit by a car?
MR. MEYERS
Well, then you probably deserved it. Knowing you and your friends, you’d probably be found in a ditch somewhere, all mangled-up in some Wal Mart shopping cart.
JEREMY
(Jumps off of couch and storms out of the room)
God, I hate you, Dad!
MR. MEYERS
There’s always Military School, son!
(to self)
Jesus, I need to get that kid a leash or something.
(MRS. MEYERS enters the room, carrying a bag of pretzels out to MR. MEYERS)
MRS. MEYERS
What was with all that shouting? Were you shouting at the T.V. again? I told you that the referees can’t hear you, David.
MR. MEYERS
No, I wasn’t shouting at the damned T.V. Jeremy’s just being a punk-ass teenager again. Turns out he’s been on the phone for the past few hours with his friends.
MRS. MEYERS
What?! What if Laura was trying to call all that time?
MR. MEYERS
That’s what I was telling the boy. Threw a fit because I won’t buy him a cell phone.
MRS. MEYERS
You better not have threatened him with Military School again, David. He’s just a teenage boy. Boys will be boys!
MR. MEYERS
Stop babying the kid. He was raised under this roof by the two of us. He should be more responsible, like his sister, damn it.
(The door bell rings and MRS. MEYERS rushes to the door to answer it to find LAURA and ERIC standing outside with their bags in hand, covered in snow)
MRS. MEYERS
Laura! Oh, David, it’s Laura! She’s here!
LAURA
Hi, Mom!
(They hug.)
MRS. MEYERS
And you must be Eric! We’ve heard so much about you. Come in, you two. Come in.
ERIC
Thank you, Mrs. Meyers. You’re just as beautiful as Laura said you were.
(hugs MRS. MEYERS and gives her a peck on her cheek.)
(MR. MEYERS gets off couch to hug his daughter)
MR. MEYERS
Hello, Princess!
(to ERIC, while extending his hand for a handshake)
It’s good to meet, you, Eric.
(ERIC gives MR. MEYERS a hug instead, which MR. MEYERS reacts stunned, not hugging back.)
ERIC
It’s great to meet you, too, Sir. You have a lovely home.
LAURA
Sorry it took us so long to get here. Our flight was delayed for a few hours and I tried calling you several times, but the line was busy.
MR. MEYERS
(yelling off-stage)
Jeremy! You’re grounded for a month!
MRS. MEYERS
Let me take your bags, honey. Go ahead and hang your coats up on the coat tree and make yourselves comfortable. You both must be freezing! This weather is just dreadful. I’ll prepare a cup of hot cocoa for you both to warm up with before dinner.
ERIC
Thank you, Mrs. Meyers. That’s very thoughtful of you.
MRS. MEYERS
(Gathers up suitcases with a giggle at ERIC’S politeness)
Oh, my! You can just call me Katherine. Now, go have a seat and relax.
LAURA
Mom, let me help you with those.
(Both exit stage with suitcases)
(MR. MEYERS and ERIC both sit on the couch and begin watching football together)
MR. MEYERS
You a football fan, Eric?
ERIC
Oh, yes sir! Detroit Lions fan since I was a kid.
MR. MEYERS
Are you kidding me? Lions? I said, “Football”, Eric, not grab-ass! The Packers, boy. The Packers are America’s golden boys. Mike McCarthy is gonna make all of Detroit cry even harder than when the Motor City was crushed by the recession.
ERIC
Uh… Detroit is my hometown. My father recently lost his job at Ford because of recession.
MR. MEYERS
Was he a Democrat?
ERIC
Yeah, why?
MR. MEYERS
Then he probably had it coming anyway.
(ERIC just sits quietly, staring at the TV)
Scene 3
(MR. MEYERS, ERIC, LAURA, and JEREMY are all sitting at the dining room table. Most of the food is already on the table and they are waiting for MRS. MEYERS who is off-stage in the kitchen. MR. MEYERS sits on one end of the table with ERIC, LAURA, and JEREMY sitting along another side, facing the audience.)
MR. MEYERS
Hurry it up in there, Katherine! We’re gonna start without you if you don’t get your butt in here with that turkey!
ERIC
Say, Jeremy. How about have a little one-on-one with you Xbox after dinner. I play a mean Guitar Hero!
JEREMY
Guitar Hero is for gay-wads.
LAURA
Jeremy, you little troll, don’t talk to Eric like that! He just wants to play a game with you.
JEREMY
Okay, fine. Let’s play some Guitar Hero after dinner. And maybe, after that, we can call up some cute boys from school and then hang-up on them when they answer.
MR. MEYERS
Now who’s being the gay-wad, Jeremy?
(shouts)
KATHERINE! Hurry up!
(MRS. MEYERS comes in from off-stage right, carrying a large turkey on a platter. She sets it in the center of the table and every applauds)
MRS. MEYERS
Patience is a virtue, dear. Everything is ready, so I guess it’s time to dig in. Eric, would do us the honor of carving the turkey?
(hands ERIC the carving knife)
ERIC
Of course, Mrs. Meyers. Wow! The turkey looks good enough to eat. I can hardly wait to gobble it down.
(MRS. MEYERS giggles at his joke and takes her seat at the end of the table, opposite of MR. MEYERS. MR. MEYERS and JEREMY both make a little groan and roll their eyes.)
LAURA
Mom really is an awesome cook. I look forward to her Turkey every Thanksgiving. I promise you that you’ve never tasted a turkey like hers.
MRS. MEYERS
Oh, Laura! Stop that now. You’re making me blush. I just truss it up like anyone else would. However, the stuffing I use is my own recipe. It’s made of white bread, spices, and a secret ingredient.
(ERIC begins carving into the turkey.)
MR. MEYERS
What are you doing? Don’t cut like that! It’s like you’re just hacking away at the damned bird. Did your Democratic, Obama-loving parents teach you how to carve a turkey?
(JEREMY laughs out loud, and then buries his face into his hands to stop. LAURA elbows him hard in the ribs. ERIC stops carving momentarily, takes a deep breath, and tries to act like he’s not annoyed by what MR. MEYERS just said.)
MRS. MEYERS
David Meyers! Curb that tongue of yours! I told you that you shouldn’t have had so many beers before we ate. Now you’re making poor Eric uncomfortable.
MR. MEYERS
He’s making me uncomfortable the way he’s stabbing at that turkey. Eric, what do you for a living? Are you a serial killer or some sort of cattle slaughterer?
LAURA
Dad! Stop acting like such an ass! Eric is real estate agent for Darling Homes Real Estate. He’s very successful and is even being considered for a promotion.
JEREMY
More like ‘Darling HOMOS Real Estate’…
LAURA
Shut your little trap, Turd. At least he’s got a job.
MR. MEYERS
Stop it, both of you! And you’re sister’s right, Jeremy. Get a job.
JEREMY
Why do you always take her side? I mean, she’s the one here with a loser girlfriend who can’t even carve a turkey.
(ERIC is still standing over the turkey, holding the knife, not moving, and staring straight ahead.)
MR. MEYERS
That’s because she’s more mature and responsible than you are, even if her boyfriend is a sissy Detroit Lions fan. Maybe if we send your ass to Military School once and for all, you’ll come back a grown man, able to go out into world and get a decent job.
JEREMY
Screw you! You want me to go to Military School that bad? Fine! Anything to get out of this house! I’ll start packing right now!
(JEREMY stands up from the table and storms off-stage, knocking some pictures off the wall as he goes)
MR. MEYERS
(shouting after JEREMY.)
It’s about damned time! Don’t forget to pack plenty of clean underwear!
MRS. MEYERS
Stop it! All of you just stop it! You’re upsetting Eric and dinner is going to go to waste. Let’s just sit down and enjoy this meal like a family. Jeremy! Please come back to table and have some turkey!
JEREMY
(from off-stage.)
Choke on your fucking turkey!
MRS. MEYERS
(begins sobbing.)
Why can’t we just have a normal dinner?
LAURA
Oh, Mom. Don’t get upset. Jeremy is just being a snot right now. Let him cool off for awhile. I’m sure he’ll come around. And, Dad… I don’t appreciate you talking about your future son-in-law like that.
(Everyone stops suddenly. MR. MEYERS and MRS. MEYERS both look at ERIC with surprise. ERIC is still standing completely still, staring straight out ahead, but cracks a nervous wide grin.)
MR. MEYERS
WHAT?!
(ERIC is so startled, he drops the knife and accidentally cuts his hand.)
You two are engaged?! Why didn’t you tell us this earlier? We just meet the kid and you two are already getting married?
LAURA
Oh my god! Eric! You’ve cut yourself pretty bad!
(ERIC looks down at his hand, sees the cut, and then passes out on the floor.)
Oh, Dad! He’s really hurt! We need to get him to a hospital! He may need stitches!
MRS. MEYERS
Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! He’s bleeding everywhere! I’ll grab some paper towels!
(runs off-stage to kitchen.)
MR. MEYERS
He not only cut the turkey in ribbons, but he bled all over the damned thing as well. Why would you want to marry a Left-y Democrat like him anyway?
LAURA
Would you just shut up, Dad? I love, Eric! He’s great to me. He was the one who suggested we have Thanksgiving with all of us in the first place. He’s not selfish and demeaning like you, Dad! Now, help me get him to the car. I need to drive him to the hospital now!
(MR. MEYERS and LAURA hoist ERIC between the both of them and move to the front door to leave.)
MR. MEYERS
Don’t think that just because your boyfriend is bleeding to death, you’re gonna get out of this conversation. He’s not winning any points with me. I’m missing the rest of the football game and he ruined our dinner!
LAURA
Just give me the car keys, Dad. You’re in no condition to drive us to the hospital right now.
MR. MEYERS
Fine. You drive, but I’m coming with you. Someone needs to make sure Mr. Real Estate doesn’t bleed all over my car’s interior.
(MR. MEYERS, LAURA, and ERIC exit through the front door and a few seconds later Mrs. Meyers returns from the kitchen carrying several rolls of paper towels.)
MRS. MEYERS
I brought a few rolls! Is he still bleeding badly? Oh, I hope he didn’t bump his head when he fell!
(stops in the middle of the room, realizing everyone is gone.)
Laura? Eric? David, dear? Where did you all go?
(drops the paper towel rolls and slumps back into her dining room chair. For several moments she just stares at all the food at the table, and then suddenly begins to sob into her hands. After a short cry, she reaches down for one of the paper towel rolls and tears a few sheets off to dry eyes. After composing herself again, she reaches for some of the food and begins to fill her plate. After a few bites, she begins talking to the empty table as though the family was still all sitting together.)
How are the mashed potatoes, Jeremy dear?
(She moves to JEREMY’s seat and attempts to talk and act like JEREMY.)
I’ve had better…
(She moves to MR. MEYERS’ chair and attempts to talk and act like MR. MEYERS.)
Don’t talk about your Mother’s cooking like that, boy. It tastes delicious, honey.
(She then moves to LAURA’s seat and attempts to talk and act like LAURA.)
I have an announcement to make. Eric proposed to me last week and we’re getting married!
(She moves back to her own chair again.)
Oh my goodness! That’s wonderful, dear! Did you hear that, David? You’re going to have a son-in-law!
(She moves to MR. MEYERS chair and acts like MR. MEYERS.)
Oh, Princess! I’m so proud of you! Welcome to the family, Eric. Laura couldn’t have picked a more charming man to marry.
(She moves to ERIC’s chair and attempts to act like ERIC. Acts coy and blushes.)
Thank you, Mr. Meyers. You and your lovely wife do me too much justice.
(She moves to MR. MEYERS chair and acts like MR. MEYERS.)
Nonsense. And please. Call us Mom and Dad.
(Winks at ERIC’S chair. Moves back to ERIC’s chair and begins to talk like ERIC.)
Sure thing… Dad. And Mom, this turkey is delicious! I don’t think I’ve ever had a turkey quite like this.
(She moves back to her own chair again. Giggles at ERIC’s chair.)
Eric… I mean, son, you’re too polite. I just cook it like anyone else would. However, the stuffing I use is my own recipe. It’s made of white bread, spices, and a secret ingredient. And since you’re part of the family now, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to tell you what the secret ingredient is.
(She suddenly turns somber and chokes back a sob.)
The secret ingredient is…
(She starts sobbing uncontrollably.)
The Secret ingredient… is… is apples!
(She slumps over the table, crying into her arms.)
The End.