White Horse: Song 2 of 25
Title: White Horse
Author: Bjfangirl87
Series: Queer As Folk
Pairing: Brian/Justin, Justin/Ethan
Rating: R
Timeline: A bit of all seasons
Summary: Justin learning about real love
Disclaimer: I do not own QAF. It belongs to Cowlip and Showtime. Also, the lyrics are from the song 'White Horse' by Taylor Swift.
"White Horse"
Say you're sorry, that face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I should have known
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around
When I first met Brian, I thought we were destined to be together. I thought that he was the handsome knight, coming to whisk me off to his impressive castle. That he would save me from all the evil homophobes at my school, and at my home. I thought, even that first night, that I had found the love of my life. And when he told me that he loved me while he was taking my virginity, I thought he meant it.
Well, he made sure that I learned better than that very quickly. He made sure to remind me every day that there's no such thing as fairy tales in real life. That there's no such thing as happy endings. That love can only bring pain. And from what I'd pieced together of his life to that point, I can understand why he believed that. But I just couldn't. Maybe it's the artist in me, or maybe it's that 17 is really a lot younger than it seems at the time, but I just couldn't give up the thought that I could really have a happily ever after, and I could have it with Brian Kinney.
Then came the prom. From what Daphne tells me, it was the epitomy of Disney-style romance. Brian was my handsome prince, and I was Cinderella, finally getting the day of my life at the ball. We had this amazing dance that left everyone breathless, and a kiss in which Brian's love for me could be felt across the room. It was the ultimate fairytale moment.
But, just like in any other fairytale, midnight came, and so did the evil villain. Chris Hobbes took the place of the wicked witch, and instead a poison apple, the weapon of choice was a wooden bat. And Brian held me, his hands drenched in my blood. And this was yet another reason for him not to believe in fairy tales.
Even when I had started to recover and we lived together, he couldn't let me close to him again. I needed to feel secure in our relationship. And in my warped mind, I lost the ability to read him. My internal Kinney-to-English dictionary has been erased.
So when he brought tricks home, I took it as a sign of rejection. When I tried to get even a small gesture of how much he cared, about my place in his life, I didn't see it the same way he did.
In my mind, he was still the handsome prince, the super-hero. And if I wasn't good enough for him to rescue again, this time from my insecurities and fears, then maybe I didn't belong in his world after all. Maybe I'd need to find a new prince. One whose castle wasn't quite so high off of the ground.
And I found, not a prince, but an artisan like myself. But though we were both commoners, Ethan didn't belittle my need to live a fairy tale. In fact, he held the same belief. And at that point, the romance my musician gave me was more important than the security from my knight.
I walked away from Brian and his white horse, and ran off into the sunset with my new lover, the musician.
Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know...
When I met Ethan, I knew that I wouldn't love him the way I love Brian. Actually, I wasn't supposed to fall for him at all. But somehow, he became my escape. He was my fairy tale. He was the romance that Brian wouldn't give me. And I needed that, and I needed to feel like I was worth something to someone. And Ethan gave me that. Brian might have saved me from the bashers, but Ethan saved me from my own self-doubts. He saved me from the dark places in my subconscious.
So when it came time to choose between them, I just couldn't choose the prince, when he didn't believe that he was one. I had to choose the pauper who treated me like I was the prince. The one who believed in love and romance.
It was naive of me, I know this now. But he treated me with so much care, and so much love, like I was something valuable. Like I was actually worth something to him. And I fell for it. I fell for every delusional word, every lie.
And when his trick, the one he promised never happened, showed up at our door, lost in his own little fairy tale world, my eyes were opened to the illusion. Ethan had lied to me, maybe about everything. There would be no happily ever after with him either.
Maybe Brian was right. Maybe fairytales aren't real. Maybe love is a lie, and happily ever after is something that can't actually be achieved. And maybe, just maybe, a real life with Brian is better than a perfect illusion without him.
So I went back to him, knowing that there would be tricks, knowing that he still wouldn't allow himself to believe in love. Knowing that he would never change, but knowing that I didn't want to live without him anyway.
And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry
All of that was years ago. Brian and I have been through a lot since then. More than most people experience in a lifetime. And we haven't had the picture-perfect life I'd always dreamed I'd have. But somehow, it works. Somehow, even though I wanted marriage and kids, I always remember Ethan. I remember the illusion of happiness, and how fast that could be broken if I let myself have it.
So, it came as a shock last week when Brian told me he loved me, and then proceeded to ask me to marry him. I thought we were past all of this. I thought we were just going to take one day at a time. Together.
Just when I stop believing in fairy tales, Brian decides that he finally does, and he turns my world upside down. And no matter how much I want to, I just can't tell him yes. I can't marry him. Because he doesn't really mean it. He hasn't ever experienced real love, so when he feels something strong for me, and takes that to mean he's in this forever, how long will it be before that feeling fades, and he thinks he's made a mistake?
I can't do it. Even though I can see his heart breaking in his eyes, I can't say yes. I can't take the chance and end up losing what we have. I won't get lost in the fantasy world again. It hasn't ever worked for me, and it won't now.
Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now
So I'm doing what is best for us both, and going to New York.
Brian and I aren't getting married. We aren't clinging to the fairytale that everyone tells us we should want. We're going to do it the right way. The way that works for us.
As I see the loft growing farther and farther away in the rearview mirror at the front of the cab, I know I've made the right choice. I don't know if Brian and I will stay together. I don't know if I'll find someone else in New York. And if I do, would be be realistic like Brian, or a fellow artist like Ethan, or would be be someone else completely? Would Brian meet someone else here in Pittsburg? Or would be both be so absorbed in our careers, that we slowly desolve a little more each day?
I don't know. But I know that I'm done with chasing a dream. I'm not going to wait for my white knight to appear while my life passes me by. I'm not going to wait for the white horse anymore.
Life isn't a fairy tale. And I'm glad that I finally learned that. It's probably the best thing that Brian ever taught me.
Author: Bjfangirl87
Series: Queer As Folk
Pairing: Brian/Justin, Justin/Ethan
Rating: R
Timeline: A bit of all seasons
Summary: Justin learning about real love
Disclaimer: I do not own QAF. It belongs to Cowlip and Showtime. Also, the lyrics are from the song 'White Horse' by Taylor Swift.
"White Horse"
Say you're sorry, that face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I should have known
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around
When I first met Brian, I thought we were destined to be together. I thought that he was the handsome knight, coming to whisk me off to his impressive castle. That he would save me from all the evil homophobes at my school, and at my home. I thought, even that first night, that I had found the love of my life. And when he told me that he loved me while he was taking my virginity, I thought he meant it.
Well, he made sure that I learned better than that very quickly. He made sure to remind me every day that there's no such thing as fairy tales in real life. That there's no such thing as happy endings. That love can only bring pain. And from what I'd pieced together of his life to that point, I can understand why he believed that. But I just couldn't. Maybe it's the artist in me, or maybe it's that 17 is really a lot younger than it seems at the time, but I just couldn't give up the thought that I could really have a happily ever after, and I could have it with Brian Kinney.
Then came the prom. From what Daphne tells me, it was the epitomy of Disney-style romance. Brian was my handsome prince, and I was Cinderella, finally getting the day of my life at the ball. We had this amazing dance that left everyone breathless, and a kiss in which Brian's love for me could be felt across the room. It was the ultimate fairytale moment.
But, just like in any other fairytale, midnight came, and so did the evil villain. Chris Hobbes took the place of the wicked witch, and instead a poison apple, the weapon of choice was a wooden bat. And Brian held me, his hands drenched in my blood. And this was yet another reason for him not to believe in fairy tales.
Even when I had started to recover and we lived together, he couldn't let me close to him again. I needed to feel secure in our relationship. And in my warped mind, I lost the ability to read him. My internal Kinney-to-English dictionary has been erased.
So when he brought tricks home, I took it as a sign of rejection. When I tried to get even a small gesture of how much he cared, about my place in his life, I didn't see it the same way he did.
In my mind, he was still the handsome prince, the super-hero. And if I wasn't good enough for him to rescue again, this time from my insecurities and fears, then maybe I didn't belong in his world after all. Maybe I'd need to find a new prince. One whose castle wasn't quite so high off of the ground.
And I found, not a prince, but an artisan like myself. But though we were both commoners, Ethan didn't belittle my need to live a fairy tale. In fact, he held the same belief. And at that point, the romance my musician gave me was more important than the security from my knight.
I walked away from Brian and his white horse, and ran off into the sunset with my new lover, the musician.
Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know...
When I met Ethan, I knew that I wouldn't love him the way I love Brian. Actually, I wasn't supposed to fall for him at all. But somehow, he became my escape. He was my fairy tale. He was the romance that Brian wouldn't give me. And I needed that, and I needed to feel like I was worth something to someone. And Ethan gave me that. Brian might have saved me from the bashers, but Ethan saved me from my own self-doubts. He saved me from the dark places in my subconscious.
So when it came time to choose between them, I just couldn't choose the prince, when he didn't believe that he was one. I had to choose the pauper who treated me like I was the prince. The one who believed in love and romance.
It was naive of me, I know this now. But he treated me with so much care, and so much love, like I was something valuable. Like I was actually worth something to him. And I fell for it. I fell for every delusional word, every lie.
And when his trick, the one he promised never happened, showed up at our door, lost in his own little fairy tale world, my eyes were opened to the illusion. Ethan had lied to me, maybe about everything. There would be no happily ever after with him either.
Maybe Brian was right. Maybe fairytales aren't real. Maybe love is a lie, and happily ever after is something that can't actually be achieved. And maybe, just maybe, a real life with Brian is better than a perfect illusion without him.
So I went back to him, knowing that there would be tricks, knowing that he still wouldn't allow himself to believe in love. Knowing that he would never change, but knowing that I didn't want to live without him anyway.
And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry
All of that was years ago. Brian and I have been through a lot since then. More than most people experience in a lifetime. And we haven't had the picture-perfect life I'd always dreamed I'd have. But somehow, it works. Somehow, even though I wanted marriage and kids, I always remember Ethan. I remember the illusion of happiness, and how fast that could be broken if I let myself have it.
So, it came as a shock last week when Brian told me he loved me, and then proceeded to ask me to marry him. I thought we were past all of this. I thought we were just going to take one day at a time. Together.
Just when I stop believing in fairy tales, Brian decides that he finally does, and he turns my world upside down. And no matter how much I want to, I just can't tell him yes. I can't marry him. Because he doesn't really mean it. He hasn't ever experienced real love, so when he feels something strong for me, and takes that to mean he's in this forever, how long will it be before that feeling fades, and he thinks he's made a mistake?
I can't do it. Even though I can see his heart breaking in his eyes, I can't say yes. I can't take the chance and end up losing what we have. I won't get lost in the fantasy world again. It hasn't ever worked for me, and it won't now.
Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now
So I'm doing what is best for us both, and going to New York.
Brian and I aren't getting married. We aren't clinging to the fairytale that everyone tells us we should want. We're going to do it the right way. The way that works for us.
As I see the loft growing farther and farther away in the rearview mirror at the front of the cab, I know I've made the right choice. I don't know if Brian and I will stay together. I don't know if I'll find someone else in New York. And if I do, would be be realistic like Brian, or a fellow artist like Ethan, or would be be someone else completely? Would Brian meet someone else here in Pittsburg? Or would be both be so absorbed in our careers, that we slowly desolve a little more each day?
I don't know. But I know that I'm done with chasing a dream. I'm not going to wait for my white knight to appear while my life passes me by. I'm not going to wait for the white horse anymore.
Life isn't a fairy tale. And I'm glad that I finally learned that. It's probably the best thing that Brian ever taught me.