Turning into me
I feel very tired right now..... no I'm just pissed off and exhuasted
I don't even know what I want to write, I expect to just start writting and things will just come and go and I'll go on forever and ever about them till I feel better, but right now its just blank..
thats how everything I guess righ tnow is, blank
theres some much I want to talk about that I havn't yet, there so much
but I can't let myself think about anything, I don't want to think about anything, I'll get to discouraged..
But now I want to think, and its hard...
I'll start with yesterday,
Very boring fuckin day! I got a 78 on my sci final, and a 65 on my alg.... not very hott, it makes me feel like I didn't try this year... but then again I know I somewhat did.
got home, and I wanted to make plans, but yet again, mind blanks, i had no idea what I wanted to do, i think i know what i wanted to do though... I wanted tot alk, I wanted to have wild crazy fun, i wanted to do things that I would do, I have really no limitations, just fear. fear that I might hurt someone, fear that I might hurt myself, fear that the rest of my life will be akward, or fears that i don't even know of right now.
I wanted to talk about thing like... crush's again, lol, i always have those... I want to learn how to get rid of them, and once i do, i'll write a book called "the crush exterminator" and I can talk about how pointless it is to have crush's on people you never talk to, don't even think are that great looking, and don't even know if they give an ounce of shit about you. I think its an aura about people, you'd think everyone would like them if that were it though, but maybe it special... like made for me to whine about in my head all day long because I know no matter how close I get to event talkign to them, once I find out who they really are, all the feelings I had are gone.... how pointless is that, I really think that a crush, more than love, is an even more dangerous mental disorder lol.
but thats not all I want to tlak about, so don't go coming up to me an askign me who I have/had a crush on, because I'n away I want to forget to, I guess i really just wanted tot alk about how I want to forget about my crush's, and if I get comfortable enough, maybe then I'd liek to talk about them.... anyways.
I've also been thinking alot about music lately... mostly like how I want to try out for american idol this summer... but I don't think that will happen.
With my luck it will be when I go on vaca, and my parents wont let me, or I'll be to ashamed to bring it up again... I sorta don't care though.. it is what I want, i could give a shit less about what anyone else thinks... I can sort of say that with honesty now too. But if I do try out, I hope I atleast make it... thats all i ever really do though... practice singing, I sing more than alot, i think I might actually sing mroe than I talk... but for some reason, i can't sing in public without a solid reason, its almost like, if i do it randomly, or practice when ever anybodies around its like either a. I'm annoying them, or B. I want some kind of attention, or C. both. I guess i do sort of give a shit about that, I think I give a big shit abotu singing. performing, whatever-ing... I think I'm a good singer though, but I can't really know, so thats why I want to try out for american idol... maybe that will help straighten things out, maybe people really do get annoyed by my singing, and there false encouragment isn't helping.... maybe they are too weak to tell me my singing sucks otherwise, maybe its just okay, maybe its really good.... I honestly think I'm a kick ass singer, I only believe that because I know how much effort I put into singing, its my only thing... other kids have there sports, or whatever, and they can try or not try, but I have my singing, and I'm trying... and I'm pretty satisfied.
I want t talk about today too,
just skip right to it I guess...
my cousin jillian and her meltdowns, I wish there was away to stop them SOOO bad... she makes me dread going over my grandparents house because I'm so restricted there. I can't even eat a cup of strawberries in the living room because she wanted to eat in there too and she'd make a mess, so I go in the dinning room and she follows me ofcourse, but then she starts balling her eyes out, its fuckin annoying, I want to screw at her one day, make her just shut up in dead silence, scare her I guess, but i don't think that she'd shut up, I'd just piss everyone off and make her scream and cry even more.
I have to go outside when she wants me to go outside, cause she'll crya nd annoy everyone, I'm always liek the fault of all her fuckin breakdowns.... tey don't blame me, but I don't ever know what to do int hose situations, I dunno if one things will make it worse, and what will amke it better, I try to ignore her, but its nearly impossible, i go into the bathroomt o be alone and some a. needs to use it, or now if I go alone my parents think I'm cutting.
I'm not cutting anymore, its stupid, I don't want to have problems like my cousin, I'm trying something new now, not caring
But Is sitll do care, it's just Io can hold it in better for the time being. I really want to blow up and say fuck-you to everyone and list all the things I hate about them, that seriosul would make me feel better, but I'd hurt peoples feeligns and they'd be all pissed at me, its almost unexscapable...
I can't wait untill I find away to get away, I can forget about everyone, I'll have new concerns, but atleast I can change stuffa round here and there, I don't believe in that though, I think usually when you want something bad enough, if you try, you'll get it. I know that I do two things in that situations... with singing, I more than try, but when It comes to sharing my talent, I hold it back because I feel attention seeking.... with crushes, I try to throw it away and forget, because I know that someday it will be my day and I might just meet someone I like that likes me too. with myproblems, I never know what to do, but yea... i dunno i lost myself ... I guess I'm done talking now lol.
I guess it does feel better to just explode
I don't care what people think about me.... I do
I don't give a fuck about anything... I do
I'm better now... I am... I think I am.
I don't even know what I want to write, I expect to just start writting and things will just come and go and I'll go on forever and ever about them till I feel better, but right now its just blank..
thats how everything I guess righ tnow is, blank
theres some much I want to talk about that I havn't yet, there so much
but I can't let myself think about anything, I don't want to think about anything, I'll get to discouraged..
But now I want to think, and its hard...
I'll start with yesterday,
Very boring fuckin day! I got a 78 on my sci final, and a 65 on my alg.... not very hott, it makes me feel like I didn't try this year... but then again I know I somewhat did.
got home, and I wanted to make plans, but yet again, mind blanks, i had no idea what I wanted to do, i think i know what i wanted to do though... I wanted tot alk, I wanted to have wild crazy fun, i wanted to do things that I would do, I have really no limitations, just fear. fear that I might hurt someone, fear that I might hurt myself, fear that the rest of my life will be akward, or fears that i don't even know of right now.
I wanted to talk about thing like... crush's again, lol, i always have those... I want to learn how to get rid of them, and once i do, i'll write a book called "the crush exterminator" and I can talk about how pointless it is to have crush's on people you never talk to, don't even think are that great looking, and don't even know if they give an ounce of shit about you. I think its an aura about people, you'd think everyone would like them if that were it though, but maybe it special... like made for me to whine about in my head all day long because I know no matter how close I get to event talkign to them, once I find out who they really are, all the feelings I had are gone.... how pointless is that, I really think that a crush, more than love, is an even more dangerous mental disorder lol.
but thats not all I want to tlak about, so don't go coming up to me an askign me who I have/had a crush on, because I'n away I want to forget to, I guess i really just wanted tot alk about how I want to forget about my crush's, and if I get comfortable enough, maybe then I'd liek to talk about them.... anyways.
I've also been thinking alot about music lately... mostly like how I want to try out for american idol this summer... but I don't think that will happen.
With my luck it will be when I go on vaca, and my parents wont let me, or I'll be to ashamed to bring it up again... I sorta don't care though.. it is what I want, i could give a shit less about what anyone else thinks... I can sort of say that with honesty now too. But if I do try out, I hope I atleast make it... thats all i ever really do though... practice singing, I sing more than alot, i think I might actually sing mroe than I talk... but for some reason, i can't sing in public without a solid reason, its almost like, if i do it randomly, or practice when ever anybodies around its like either a. I'm annoying them, or B. I want some kind of attention, or C. both. I guess i do sort of give a shit about that, I think I give a big shit abotu singing. performing, whatever-ing... I think I'm a good singer though, but I can't really know, so thats why I want to try out for american idol... maybe that will help straighten things out, maybe people really do get annoyed by my singing, and there false encouragment isn't helping.... maybe they are too weak to tell me my singing sucks otherwise, maybe its just okay, maybe its really good.... I honestly think I'm a kick ass singer, I only believe that because I know how much effort I put into singing, its my only thing... other kids have there sports, or whatever, and they can try or not try, but I have my singing, and I'm trying... and I'm pretty satisfied.
I want t talk about today too,
just skip right to it I guess...
my cousin jillian and her meltdowns, I wish there was away to stop them SOOO bad... she makes me dread going over my grandparents house because I'm so restricted there. I can't even eat a cup of strawberries in the living room because she wanted to eat in there too and she'd make a mess, so I go in the dinning room and she follows me ofcourse, but then she starts balling her eyes out, its fuckin annoying, I want to screw at her one day, make her just shut up in dead silence, scare her I guess, but i don't think that she'd shut up, I'd just piss everyone off and make her scream and cry even more.
I have to go outside when she wants me to go outside, cause she'll crya nd annoy everyone, I'm always liek the fault of all her fuckin breakdowns.... tey don't blame me, but I don't ever know what to do int hose situations, I dunno if one things will make it worse, and what will amke it better, I try to ignore her, but its nearly impossible, i go into the bathroomt o be alone and some a. needs to use it, or now if I go alone my parents think I'm cutting.
I'm not cutting anymore, its stupid, I don't want to have problems like my cousin, I'm trying something new now, not caring
But Is sitll do care, it's just Io can hold it in better for the time being. I really want to blow up and say fuck-you to everyone and list all the things I hate about them, that seriosul would make me feel better, but I'd hurt peoples feeligns and they'd be all pissed at me, its almost unexscapable...
I can't wait untill I find away to get away, I can forget about everyone, I'll have new concerns, but atleast I can change stuffa round here and there, I don't believe in that though, I think usually when you want something bad enough, if you try, you'll get it. I know that I do two things in that situations... with singing, I more than try, but when It comes to sharing my talent, I hold it back because I feel attention seeking.... with crushes, I try to throw it away and forget, because I know that someday it will be my day and I might just meet someone I like that likes me too. with myproblems, I never know what to do, but yea... i dunno i lost myself ... I guess I'm done talking now lol.
I guess it does feel better to just explode
I don't care what people think about me.... I do
I don't give a fuck about anything... I do
I'm better now... I am... I think I am.