Every now and then I fall apart
Today, I thought would be maybe a suprising day, an interesting day, something neat would happened... I even dreamed I'd be hit by lightening, lol, I thought that would be a neat thing to happen on your birthday...
Nothing happened... Except I either got a new cold, or my old one is ending, I have no idea.
I rained, all day, today. Its still wet... No thunder and lightening, I thought that woulda been cool...
It always rains on my birthday, i don't know why, it just does, ever since I can remeber...
It use to piss me off when I was little, I wanted it to be nice so I could have my little parties outside, that never happened...
I don't like birthdays, I hate how everyone feels obligatated to be nice to you, its so fake, I hate fakeness.
Plus, I just hate getting older, why do I want to get older when I miss being alittele kid so much, I miss everything before 3rd grade, everything was so simple then... that was all before my life got fliped over.
I guess today I'm glade it was even more boring than yesterday, I had that weird sick feeling, the feeling you get after taking a nap in the middle of the day, it just felt weird that I'm now 16, not 15.
And Ofcourse I make these big conspirousys that I almost believe, I feel like... ive grown and now I'm in another ugly stage... and that the cake I ate tonight had chemicles in it that made me uglier...
I'm always secretly wishing that I'm really just perfection and people are doing as much shit as the can possible to me to screw me up and maintain me normal... Maybe in my head I've got potential to be my own idol, but I'll never get there because A,I sound selfy, and B, I know its not true anyways....
None of my conspiracys are true, they just nag at me and make me think they are true, and before i know it, im battling with myself, god, what would I ever do if I were trapped all alone on and island lol, I'd go completely crazy in 1 day flat.
Thats why I want to die sometimes, I wish I died today, i actually thought about it, that sounds sorta perfect to me, dieing on my 16th birthday, I know this is completely suicidal, but they are just thoughts, thoughts don't apparently mean anything but a crock of shit. dreas too, those are big buckets of shit too, I just can throw them away for some reason...
atleast i can control my most sacred disires,
but yea, I want to die sometimes, just so i can stop arguing with, myself... and exspecially when im arguing with myself, and other people at the same time... thats torture..
but I don't want to be weak, I can think weak, but I won't be weak.
thats why I'll always be a c- minus person, because my head is screwed up, but half of it has common sense and my actions can atleast my half non-screwed up.
and half isn't that bad when they half knows whats really right.
It reminds me offlipping a coin
One side of the penny says scotts gunna gonuts, and the other side says he'll maintain stability, lets see what happens when we flip the coin?
So I sang today, my tone has changed a bit, I'm mad at that though cause I don't want to get happy, If I get happy then everything will be fucked up, and if I have a bad life now, then later on when I need it, I can have a good life and maybe one of my dreams will have a better chance of comming true...
there are alot of dreams that I have, not just "making it" cause everyone has that dream, but things atleast like learning to playt he piano real good, to finally being good at making eggs.... I just want that... I guess I dont need any of that... but I'm gunna sacrifice my youth, so maybe I'll have a very good adulthood... sacrifice sucks, but In away, sorta liek community serivice, I rather am content with it, I sorta enjoy it... it bring this, un happy, and self-satisfying, complacent mood to me... I like this weird mood ive supposivley been in lately, I dont liek people thinking that theres something wrong, and that I'm growing apart, I dont feel that at all, I just feel like I'm calmer, and I like how I am.
I could go on forever, every thought popup that comes up, write them down... I could even make my own problems, I do that sometimes, mostly on accident,
minds are dangerous things,
It depends on how people see things that makes life bad, and makes life good on occasion too.
Nothing happened... Except I either got a new cold, or my old one is ending, I have no idea.
I rained, all day, today. Its still wet... No thunder and lightening, I thought that woulda been cool...
It always rains on my birthday, i don't know why, it just does, ever since I can remeber...
It use to piss me off when I was little, I wanted it to be nice so I could have my little parties outside, that never happened...
I don't like birthdays, I hate how everyone feels obligatated to be nice to you, its so fake, I hate fakeness.
Plus, I just hate getting older, why do I want to get older when I miss being alittele kid so much, I miss everything before 3rd grade, everything was so simple then... that was all before my life got fliped over.
I guess today I'm glade it was even more boring than yesterday, I had that weird sick feeling, the feeling you get after taking a nap in the middle of the day, it just felt weird that I'm now 16, not 15.
And Ofcourse I make these big conspirousys that I almost believe, I feel like... ive grown and now I'm in another ugly stage... and that the cake I ate tonight had chemicles in it that made me uglier...
I'm always secretly wishing that I'm really just perfection and people are doing as much shit as the can possible to me to screw me up and maintain me normal... Maybe in my head I've got potential to be my own idol, but I'll never get there because A,I sound selfy, and B, I know its not true anyways....
None of my conspiracys are true, they just nag at me and make me think they are true, and before i know it, im battling with myself, god, what would I ever do if I were trapped all alone on and island lol, I'd go completely crazy in 1 day flat.
Thats why I want to die sometimes, I wish I died today, i actually thought about it, that sounds sorta perfect to me, dieing on my 16th birthday, I know this is completely suicidal, but they are just thoughts, thoughts don't apparently mean anything but a crock of shit. dreas too, those are big buckets of shit too, I just can throw them away for some reason...
atleast i can control my most sacred disires,
but yea, I want to die sometimes, just so i can stop arguing with, myself... and exspecially when im arguing with myself, and other people at the same time... thats torture..
but I don't want to be weak, I can think weak, but I won't be weak.
thats why I'll always be a c- minus person, because my head is screwed up, but half of it has common sense and my actions can atleast my half non-screwed up.
and half isn't that bad when they half knows whats really right.
It reminds me offlipping a coin
One side of the penny says scotts gunna gonuts, and the other side says he'll maintain stability, lets see what happens when we flip the coin?
So I sang today, my tone has changed a bit, I'm mad at that though cause I don't want to get happy, If I get happy then everything will be fucked up, and if I have a bad life now, then later on when I need it, I can have a good life and maybe one of my dreams will have a better chance of comming true...
there are alot of dreams that I have, not just "making it" cause everyone has that dream, but things atleast like learning to playt he piano real good, to finally being good at making eggs.... I just want that... I guess I dont need any of that... but I'm gunna sacrifice my youth, so maybe I'll have a very good adulthood... sacrifice sucks, but In away, sorta liek community serivice, I rather am content with it, I sorta enjoy it... it bring this, un happy, and self-satisfying, complacent mood to me... I like this weird mood ive supposivley been in lately, I dont liek people thinking that theres something wrong, and that I'm growing apart, I dont feel that at all, I just feel like I'm calmer, and I like how I am.
I could go on forever, every thought popup that comes up, write them down... I could even make my own problems, I do that sometimes, mostly on accident,
minds are dangerous things,
It depends on how people see things that makes life bad, and makes life good on occasion too.