Feb 17, 2005 19:35
I'm home alone, I'm always at some point of the day home alone... but today its difficult. I don't know where to start, I havn't updated in awhile, so I'll just review my day. I got up like 5 minute ealier than I usually do, haha, I wanted to put stuff in my hair like Sara suggested the night before, I didn't end up doing anything with it though because I woulda needed alot more time. I felt kinda sick, kinda tired today, I know how people must feel to be like that all the time, to have no energy... always shaking... and close to dying. Death is rather accustom to me lately, I give my prayers out to Sarah, that I oculd imagine being more than ever just difficult to deal with... I contimplated goign to the wake, but I had no way to get there, but I would have if I could. today went by slow at the beginning, fast in the middle, and slower at the end... I sorta let my lack of energy get the best of me by the end of the day... the only thing that kept me going was my constant worry of failing... Its attatched to me like a leech and it sucking out all my energy, its a good thing to want to do good, but I may be getting alittle over worried, over worried to the point where I can't work to my best ability so I have to work even more.. I need a new sleeping schedual... So yes, this entry may be alittle speratic, when is it not, but I have alot I want to get out of my head. So the rest of my day went well, I got alittle aggrivated when I got home because I kept messing everything up when I was trying to make somethign to eat... but Ive gotten over my fusteration attacks, its almost that I don't have enough will power in that department to care anymore.. I'll be quite honest, I've thought about cutting, every day since I've stopped, which is almost a month and a half ago, and each and everytime I either had to little energy to care, or I just kept my self where I was at so I couldn't do anything... just keep thinking, the summers comming and I don't want to ruin my body anymore.... I'm just afraid still, one day, those thoughts wont be strong enough. Maybe I have more to be greatful than i really expected though, Maybe when that time comes, I'll remeber what I actually have going for me, maybe, i hope. It's hard to control yourself, everything seems so subconcious, like you were taught, and you will never forget.