May 09, 2010 21:23
I feel pathetic and worhtless and lonely. Like, all the time. Well; not so much at work. Days off though. Hate 'em. Spending time alone, trying to kill time, wasting time. Being subpar. Living in memory. Rueing it. Is that spelled right? rueing? Rue. Can you rue? I think yes. Other wise the phrase "you'll rue the day" would have no meaning. Not that all phrases have meaning, but yeah.
I have no real interests. And I'm very intollerant. Intolerent? I have to go to court on Wednesday. I'm not looking forward to that at all. At all. I hate going to court. I don't understand lawyers at all. Who would willingly go to court repeatedly? Maybe they'll lock me away. That would suck. I doubt that'll happen. Losing the liberty of opening and shutting doors for myself, and or others, really gets to me. It's such a basic thing, but not being able to do it; ugh.
I know I've got it built up in my head that I could be an author some day. And that if I actually author a book then it'll get published, and good things (like a meaningful relationship) will spring from that. But it's not gonna happen. Either the former part, nor the latter. I saw I-Ron Man 2 today; was less than impressed. There was some good action, and Scar Jo was hott - two ts, but I dunno, it just didn't really do it for me. I went to the mall afterwards, for an hour, just to see what was there. Nothing interesting. Why was I surprised?
I was lurking around on Facebook moments ago. That's never a good plan. Looking in on people from the past that I haven't kept in touch with and that haven't made any effort to see how I'm doing. They look happy. They have interests; hiking, snowboarding, traveling, looking good, laughing, smiling. And I sit in my self-imposed imprisonment attempting not to overtly bother anyone. Keeping to myself, away from spoiling their day.
I find myself wishing I was dead when I end up spending all my time alone like this. Not, like, like I was gonna do anything about it, but despairingly. Like, how much longer am I gonna have to wait? And I feel like I'm wasting my life, but I can't change. And I don't necessarily deserve change. A case worker from my insurance company called me the other day to check up on how I was doing after my hospitalization in January.
I told her, some people are born black, some are born gay, maybe some are born sad. It could just be my lot in life, it's not a lot, but it's a life. My dreams are no help at all; not a safe haven. Perhaps that's why I don't like sleep. Like the other night I had a dream that my mom and my brother were yelling at me for playing WoW instead of going to sleep. While I was sleeping. That was confusing. A few nights before that I had a dream that Kim had gone back to NY and we were friendly again. That was a bummer to wake up from. I don't know why I fixate on her, or D'Ann or Heather or any of the others like I do. Maybe it's because at some point or another they made me feel like I *was* "good enough." Even if other events, actions, time has taught me differently. That can't be all though, other people have tried to show me that - few have gotten through. I just don't have much to offer. To the world, to women.
Sentence fragments. Poor grammar. Pathetic. And this is the type of crap I'm supposed to unload on other people? "friends" therapists? It doesn't make any sense. Better to keep it inside. Mustn't bother people. Mustn't.
Loneliness - the safest torture.