(no subject)
Kinda hit another rough patch here. I was doin alright and then I had a couple of dreams knock me for a loop. They weren't, like, nightmares. Kinda the opposite. Fantasies I suppose. Things that make the waking world that much more dreary.
The first one. I was going to a cafeteria to get lunch. Only to get lunch there you had to have a ticket. And to buy the ticket you had to go across the way to this bank and talk to a teller. Convoluted I know, but w/e. So I'm standing in line to get a ticket to go to the cafeteria to get some food and another teller opens her window. So I scoot on over there and the teller is Sara. Which is nuts. And she's wearing this lipstick that's too red. Like Sandra Bullock at that award show, academy awards I think it was. Anyways, you can kinda tell from the lipstick that she's super lonely, and we get to talking. Kinda. Not really, I tell her I'm there to buy lunch and she teases me by saying they don't serve food there. It was nice. Then I asked what she'd been up to and it wasn't much and I asked if she wanted to hang out and watch tv some time. Because really, isn't that all I want, someone to watch tv with and be comfortable around. ... Someone ridiculously beautiful to watch tv with and be around. Anyways, after I eat I head back towards my room to get ready to hang out and my neighbor has a bunch of people over watching tv. So I stop and hang out with them and eventually it gets to be the time that Sara and I were supposed to meet, so I get up and go stand in the doorway, and she comes by and I introduce her to everyone and we all had a really swell time. Well, them more than me because I was on the edge of it all in the doorway, but it was nice. It was nice to feel not alone.
The next one I was in a supermarket, at the check out line buying toilet paper and soda and fruit. And I'm standing there and someone gets in line behind me, and it's Heather. Of all the lines in all the supermarkets in all the world right? I start feeling all self concious and try to ignore her because even in my dreams I don't think I'm good enough for her, and she's just kinda nice and playful. The teller asks for my number, you know, how they do at Safeway so you can get that discount, but I get all embarassed, because Heather's, like, right there, right? And so the tellers like "gimme your digits." And I'm all, "you mean my telephone number?" Then Heather's like, "hold on, I'll give it to you, I think I still have it." And while she's looking it up in her phone I swipe my lil safeway card and get the hell outta there. Of course, all the way through the parking lot to my car I'm berating myself for being a loser and a dweeb, and I look back and she looks all disappointed and confused that I wasn't more friendly. And of course I wanted to be friendly, but she deserves so much better than anything I can offer. And ugh.
Sadly whereas I was able to shrug off my dream about Sara after a couple days, the one with Heather's been haunting me for a while. To the extent where I went to her Facebook and looked through her photos to remind myself of just how breathtaking she is. I've been fantasizing lately of doing something extraordinary. Accomplishing something great to impress her. Like writing a book and dedicating it to her. Yeah, realistically I know that ship has sailed, long long ago. I know I barely even know her, and I don't know if I'd like her if I did get to know her. But I'm creepy. And I haven't been as crazy about anyone as I was about her, not Kim, or D'Ann, or anyone. Realistically speaking I had a better, more intimate (not physical) relationship with Arlene than I ever did with Heather, hell, I've had more personal relationships with people I've met in WoW than I did with Heather, but still I dwell.
If this were a movie, or a book, or tv, things would work out between her and I. We'd end up together some how and live happily ever after. But reality is a crueler mistress than fiction and despite the pretty promises of countless authors, writers, and actors; that sort of thing just don't happen to guys like me. Instead we try to, as Sherwood Anderson wrote, "face bravely the fact that many people must live and die alone." And hope to hell that the latter part comes soon.
The first one. I was going to a cafeteria to get lunch. Only to get lunch there you had to have a ticket. And to buy the ticket you had to go across the way to this bank and talk to a teller. Convoluted I know, but w/e. So I'm standing in line to get a ticket to go to the cafeteria to get some food and another teller opens her window. So I scoot on over there and the teller is Sara. Which is nuts. And she's wearing this lipstick that's too red. Like Sandra Bullock at that award show, academy awards I think it was. Anyways, you can kinda tell from the lipstick that she's super lonely, and we get to talking. Kinda. Not really, I tell her I'm there to buy lunch and she teases me by saying they don't serve food there. It was nice. Then I asked what she'd been up to and it wasn't much and I asked if she wanted to hang out and watch tv some time. Because really, isn't that all I want, someone to watch tv with and be comfortable around. ... Someone ridiculously beautiful to watch tv with and be around. Anyways, after I eat I head back towards my room to get ready to hang out and my neighbor has a bunch of people over watching tv. So I stop and hang out with them and eventually it gets to be the time that Sara and I were supposed to meet, so I get up and go stand in the doorway, and she comes by and I introduce her to everyone and we all had a really swell time. Well, them more than me because I was on the edge of it all in the doorway, but it was nice. It was nice to feel not alone.
The next one I was in a supermarket, at the check out line buying toilet paper and soda and fruit. And I'm standing there and someone gets in line behind me, and it's Heather. Of all the lines in all the supermarkets in all the world right? I start feeling all self concious and try to ignore her because even in my dreams I don't think I'm good enough for her, and she's just kinda nice and playful. The teller asks for my number, you know, how they do at Safeway so you can get that discount, but I get all embarassed, because Heather's, like, right there, right? And so the tellers like "gimme your digits." And I'm all, "you mean my telephone number?" Then Heather's like, "hold on, I'll give it to you, I think I still have it." And while she's looking it up in her phone I swipe my lil safeway card and get the hell outta there. Of course, all the way through the parking lot to my car I'm berating myself for being a loser and a dweeb, and I look back and she looks all disappointed and confused that I wasn't more friendly. And of course I wanted to be friendly, but she deserves so much better than anything I can offer. And ugh.
Sadly whereas I was able to shrug off my dream about Sara after a couple days, the one with Heather's been haunting me for a while. To the extent where I went to her Facebook and looked through her photos to remind myself of just how breathtaking she is. I've been fantasizing lately of doing something extraordinary. Accomplishing something great to impress her. Like writing a book and dedicating it to her. Yeah, realistically I know that ship has sailed, long long ago. I know I barely even know her, and I don't know if I'd like her if I did get to know her. But I'm creepy. And I haven't been as crazy about anyone as I was about her, not Kim, or D'Ann, or anyone. Realistically speaking I had a better, more intimate (not physical) relationship with Arlene than I ever did with Heather, hell, I've had more personal relationships with people I've met in WoW than I did with Heather, but still I dwell.
If this were a movie, or a book, or tv, things would work out between her and I. We'd end up together some how and live happily ever after. But reality is a crueler mistress than fiction and despite the pretty promises of countless authors, writers, and actors; that sort of thing just don't happen to guys like me. Instead we try to, as Sherwood Anderson wrote, "face bravely the fact that many people must live and die alone." And hope to hell that the latter part comes soon.