Apparently, I'm a selfish bitch.
I'm sorry ok? I'm sorry for being selfish. For wanting to relax. For wanting to smile. I'm sorry for forgetting about everything for a few hours. I'm fucking sorry. I dont know what the hell I'm doing wrong. I really don't. I was having a good day. I was in a good mood. My dad has to go and pretend to take charge of my life, and ruin it. I didn't do anthing fucking wrong. I didn't talk back, i was calm. Im sorry. Ok fine, im a selfish teenager who doesn't care about anyone but herself. I never do anything for anyone else and all I want to do is make myself happy. You know what? your fucking right. Right now, the ability to make myself smile is so rare, that yes, all i care about at times is how to not hate myself. So if you call that selfish, than I guess you're right. Sorry for being a selfish bitch.
I cried today. I havent done that in a while. Not only did I cry, but I let someone else see that I cried. Ok, im not one to never show emotion, but usually when I'm in that state, i dont want to be touched. Thanks wes. I might not have seemed like i appreciated it, but thanks for staying with me. It made me feel like you cared, and I need that.
It's taking all my strength right now not to explode at the world. Everything is just tipping me over the edge. And aside from that, I feel completely alone. Ok, that sounds so stupid and cliche, but Im not really sure how else to describe it. Everyone who I put first, who I would do anything for, who I spend half my days trying to make sure they are happy and to be a good friend, seems to have forgotten about me and has put me on second string. I don't like being on second string. I can't seem to find my best friend right now. It really upsets me, but I guess there isnt much I can do about it. I guess you just dont have time for everyone. So what have i done with this extra time that i have been given? I'm investing my left over emotions to others who dont deserve to be trusted with them. I need to stop doing that. haven't i learned from past experiences that people you can truely trust are very few? Why do i let myself trust you. God.
I need to just relax. My stomach freaks out and my eye starts twitching when I dont. Yah, you might think thats funny, but if my body is physically reacting to the emotional things im going through, thats not a goood sign. There are so many things I'd like to say right now, but i can't because I'd like to keep the amount of people who seem to hate me lately to a minimum.
The cloer that I get to feeling
the farther I get from feeling alright...