(no subject)
My horoscope for today:
It feels as though whatever is happening is out of your control. Although you might try to restrain your thoughts and your visions, these emotions will find their way to the surface. Don't resist the temptation to explore your fantasies. Let them bubble up from within your subconscious, for it will be easier to deal with everything once they are out in the open.
Yeah, today was not fun. I hate when i already know the way i feel about something...but it never really hits me. Until someday, sometime, something happens and I realize that it really, really is true. And then it overwhelms me. And i can't deal with it. Yet i can't tell anyone what's wrong. Because, i do know what's wrong, but not in the sense that i can explain it. I can explain little bits to the problem, but not the overall feeling. And people give me weird looks. And some say what's wrong? i hope you feel better. But it's just shit. Complete BULLSHIT. And then some other people can not say anything at all, but you know that they're there for you. And you know when a hug is real, even if it may not be a strong hug, you know it's real. You know when an i love you is saying: don't be sad, i really do love you, you can talk to me if you need to. And then you know when an i love you is saying: this is what a friend would say, so i'll say it and try to trick you into thinking i'm your friend, and that i will be there; plus, it makes me look like a better friend in other people's eyes, and it makes me feel like i am such a great person. Why do people do that? Why does it hurt sooo bad when these things happen. And you feel completely alone. And you realize that everyone has a best friend, everyone except you. You think you have best friends until you see something, or read something. And then you realize it....and it feels like a bullet going through your heart. And you go to sleep at night hoping the feeling will pass...and sometimes it does...but just for a while, until it hits you hard again. I know that this is just a phase in my life. It's "just high school"...and that my friends will change (some that i don't want to)...but how will i know if i ever find REAL friends...ones that will never ever leave me until they or i die. What if everything stays fake? What if i die unhappy, alone, and with too many regrets? And then...where will i be when i die? It's nice to think that there is a heaven. But how do i know if it's really there? So then i live a horrible life and then just end....it scares me so much.
I can't do my history paper...but i have to...i can't concentrate on anything right now.