[Essay] Camp makes Zero crazy AKA a Hero to us demon racists
So I said the other week that I'd essay on Zero and then STUFF HAPPENED, and I guess I have to put my money where my mouth is. Here goes. Beware rambling and inevitable incoherency.
As everybody probably guessed, the main focus of this is Zero's mentality, as it is slightly more complex than lol racist, like I joke around about.
1. PAST
Zero has been pretty much raised from birth to fear and hunt vampires; it's his birthright. And from conversations between his parents, it sounds like he was shaping up extremely well in that respect and had all the makings of an ideal Hunter. Then of course having some vengeance-happy vampire slaughter his parents in front of his eyes while his beloved twin brother watched didn't help things. Nor did the whole being bitten, told he was going to suffer and being left to die. (Humans bitten by VK pureblood vampires usually go completely INSANE and SAVAGE and lose all trace of themselves. They are typically put down by higher-up vampires.) So Zero's hatred of vampires solidified into something less professional and more personal, with Kaname's pursuit of Yuuki and her subsequent affections for him turning it ever darker.
But along with that enhanced hatred came the realization that he was becoming the very thing he despised and could do nothing about it. And Zero liek projecting. The closer he grew to becoming an unstable the vampire, the more he HATED the vampires around him. So as much as he detests vampires, he also detests himself. Short version: Zero haet self and want to die. Biting Yuuki, the one person he cares about, fucked him up extra good while we're at it, especially when he realized that he had to keep doing it because lol blood tablets don't work on him. So begins Zero's struggle to hold onto his sanity, which ultimately climaxes with him chomping down on Kaname in hopes of staving off his descent to a beast. This whole thing is made extra special by the fact that his job is to make sure humans and vampires don't fight each other in the school, and that he's not supposed to start shit himself. Zero typically does not start fights but he is all too happy to FINISH THEM. Oh, I should also throw in that piece about his own society of Hunters waving back and forth about whether to kill him. Zero so loved.
2. CAMP
Camp is an entirely new animal to Zero since it's not just vampires but also demons. Which he equates with the same unnaturalness as vampires and resents equally. Zero is incredibly wary of anything inhuman. Note, this is another case of projecting, and we will delve more into that in a second. Able to sense demons/non-humans due to Hunter nature, Zero is customarily short and vicious to them, constantly reminding them that they do not belong around humans. He finds some that meet expectations (Spike and in part Xellos). But others are more complicated, especially halves such as Doyle, Kharg and yes Darc. Or those who have had this inhuman life thrust upon them like the FFIX brothers.
Doyle is more or less Zero's first actual compromise, partially because Zero views him as NOT A THREAT IN THE LEAST and also because Doyle is part human. Doyle's talks of working with a vampire pique him immensely, but Zero finds somewhat of... someone who might understand in Doyle and thus opens up to him. This provides a gateway to Zero being more tolerant of other halves such as Kharg, who also gains points because he's a demon out to stop other demons. And this Zero can relate to, although he's yet to tell him. Kharg rejecting what he is hits home with Zero, and he finds solace in it. Until Kharg starts with his wishy-washy feelings about demons who are the exception. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO ZERO. More on this later.
Chris is another driving force behind Zero's camp view. While finding Chris annoying, Zero tolerated him because he genuinely believed Chris hated demons as much as him. And he fed off it, enjoying the chance to have someone to embrace this feeling with him. At the same time, embracing his own hatred of himself, and using Chris to drive this home. Which Chris occasionally noticed. Problems arose once Chris both started reassessing his opinion of demons and caring more about Zero. It not only pinged some serious Yuuki buttons for Zero but forced him up against a wall, taking from him his chief reminder that he is right to hate. And forcing him to consider that not everything is black and white. Especially with the way Chris continued to push the issue, not easily giving up. But the timing was a little special...
3. INSANITY
At the point where I took Zero, he is handling some of his vampire issues with help from the blood of three purebred vampires. This, however, does not mean that he is not slightly still insane. And being at camp plays with this further, separating him from his one source of sanity -- Yuuki. Deprived of blood, except what he gets from fluffy camp animals :(, Zero gradually became a bit of a ticking time bomb. Things irritated him easier and he was quicker to threaten. His encounter with Spike and failed rescue of Chris -- which ended up revealing his vampire nature -- further stoked this issue, reminding him again how unstable he is. Which only served to unnerve him more. Things got worse as he very nearly almost bit both Doyle and Chris and found pure anger harder to control, often calling out his vampiric side. Which only made him more upset and more ANGRY at himself. Zero slipped more into borderline picking fights as time wore on, even as people kept challenging his view of demons and himself. Unable to accept that anything that wasn't human could be good -- as he constantly watched himself teeter on the brink of madness and bloodlust -- these pleas, and sometimes demands, for understanding only worsened Zero's condition. For one major reason.
4. HATE
Zero can't let go of his hate. Not of vampires (and by extension demons) and not of himself. He can't. His hate is his drive and all he has lived for. In his mind, it's all he has. He truly believes Yuuki would prefer Kaname, as much as he hates him and still can't see a real reason for living. Protecting everyone is a job, yes, and a promise, one he takes very seriously. Obviously. But it has yet to cancel out that hate. The threat of losing that hate well nigh removes Zero's purpose and he reflexively and mentally rebels against that, using all of his logic, all of his past, all of his own experience to counter whenever someone tries to make him think. Thinking even for a moment that maybe his universal hate is misguided or even w-wrong is more or less a psychological shock to his entire being. So the more people pushed, the more Zero shut down, while at the same time hearing everything. Yes, what Kharg and Darc and Sera and Chris said did get through to him, he just couldn't let himself understand it. It's like giving up the last thing he has, his drive. And Zero, deep down, is afraid of that. Because as much as he wants to die, Zero still needs a reason for living when he believes he should be dead. He has to rationalize it to himself. And this is what he has. So yeah, racism but really really fucked-up and psychologically motivated racism.
5. BREAKING POINT
Everything came to a boil following the mess of SRS PONY BUSINESS, Chris and his but but but and of course the double-whammy of Sera and Darc. At this point, Zero was looking for a fight, something, anything to assure him that yes demons are the enemy, and also hopefully critically injure him in the process. Since pain stops the thinking. And Zero was TIRED of thinking. Hearing Sera's talk of sacrificing for humanity, along with Kharg's oh yeah she's an exception pretty much snapped something inside him. To the point where when Darc pointed out his own clash with less-than-pleasant humans and Zero's own hypocrisy, Zero just want. TO MAKE HIM GO AWAY. Which of course led to his getting his ass kicked and then feeding on Chris to counter the significant blood loss.
6. AFTERMATH
Now fully fed again, Zero has a bit more of his control back. AKA arguably more sane. Thus, he realizes the full extent of his actions. While fighting Darc does not overly bother him -- he is still unsure about Darc's true evilness at this point -- attacking Darc the way he did hit him hard. Both because it represents a broken promise to Yuuki about fighting and because he knows how much control he lost in the process. A loss that led to his hurting an innocent, Chris, someone who not only wanted to help him but had been willing to let him feed on him. This latter part is the biggest issue for Zero because it terrifies him that someone who hates any talk of hurting oneself would do that for him. And he knows Chris could have run away. Zero is incredibly scared of Chris' conviction to helping him since he truly believes he doesn't deserve it. And he doesn't want anything like that to happen again! And he's afraid it will. Which is why he tried to push Chris to agree to kill him if he snaps again. This of course was fail, and thus Zero is more miserable than ever. He doesn't want to hear Chris say he's not a monster because that means Chris will trust him, something he's now sure will only put Chris in danger in the end. So for the moment, he is simply scared of Chris and will try to avoid him.
But his attack on Darc also drove home his own hypocrisy since Zero watched himself seriously set on killing someone without provocation. While this makes Zero hate himself more, it also makes him less likely to accuse others of doing this if they're. Not doing it. Does this mean he's ready to open up to demons? NO FUCKING WAY. But! He's less willing to threaten and outright tell them how much they suck. For now. He's also still going to do his job, which means he's still going to keep an eye on non-humans and instinctively distrust them. He's just. Going to be less of a complete ass about it. Basically he's going to act more like he acts when Yuuki's around to yank his chain and scold him. Because he doesn't want to risk losing control again.
It should also be noted that Zero is back in full-suicidal mode but is more aware of the obvious -- camp won't let him die. Also, Chris was SO DAMN UPSET when he let on that he wanted to kill himself that out of not wanting to hurt Chris any further, he forced himself to deal with his emo like a NORMAL PERSON and not even attempt anything. He's. Trying to handle things. He's just very upset. And hurting himself is his default.
Final note, Zero's sanity is heavily tied into whether he's eating so as more time passes without nummies, he's liable to start spiraling again. :(
As everybody probably guessed, the main focus of this is Zero's mentality, as it is slightly more complex than lol racist, like I joke around about.
1. PAST
Zero has been pretty much raised from birth to fear and hunt vampires; it's his birthright. And from conversations between his parents, it sounds like he was shaping up extremely well in that respect and had all the makings of an ideal Hunter. Then of course having some vengeance-happy vampire slaughter his parents in front of his eyes while his beloved twin brother watched didn't help things. Nor did the whole being bitten, told he was going to suffer and being left to die. (Humans bitten by VK pureblood vampires usually go completely INSANE and SAVAGE and lose all trace of themselves. They are typically put down by higher-up vampires.) So Zero's hatred of vampires solidified into something less professional and more personal, with Kaname's pursuit of Yuuki and her subsequent affections for him turning it ever darker.
But along with that enhanced hatred came the realization that he was becoming the very thing he despised and could do nothing about it. And Zero liek projecting. The closer he grew to becoming an unstable the vampire, the more he HATED the vampires around him. So as much as he detests vampires, he also detests himself. Short version: Zero haet self and want to die. Biting Yuuki, the one person he cares about, fucked him up extra good while we're at it, especially when he realized that he had to keep doing it because lol blood tablets don't work on him. So begins Zero's struggle to hold onto his sanity, which ultimately climaxes with him chomping down on Kaname in hopes of staving off his descent to a beast. This whole thing is made extra special by the fact that his job is to make sure humans and vampires don't fight each other in the school, and that he's not supposed to start shit himself. Zero typically does not start fights but he is all too happy to FINISH THEM. Oh, I should also throw in that piece about his own society of Hunters waving back and forth about whether to kill him. Zero so loved.
2. CAMP
Camp is an entirely new animal to Zero since it's not just vampires but also demons. Which he equates with the same unnaturalness as vampires and resents equally. Zero is incredibly wary of anything inhuman. Note, this is another case of projecting, and we will delve more into that in a second. Able to sense demons/non-humans due to Hunter nature, Zero is customarily short and vicious to them, constantly reminding them that they do not belong around humans. He finds some that meet expectations (Spike and in part Xellos). But others are more complicated, especially halves such as Doyle, Kharg and yes Darc. Or those who have had this inhuman life thrust upon them like the FFIX brothers.
Doyle is more or less Zero's first actual compromise, partially because Zero views him as NOT A THREAT IN THE LEAST and also because Doyle is part human. Doyle's talks of working with a vampire pique him immensely, but Zero finds somewhat of... someone who might understand in Doyle and thus opens up to him. This provides a gateway to Zero being more tolerant of other halves such as Kharg, who also gains points because he's a demon out to stop other demons. And this Zero can relate to, although he's yet to tell him. Kharg rejecting what he is hits home with Zero, and he finds solace in it. Until Kharg starts with his wishy-washy feelings about demons who are the exception. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO ZERO. More on this later.
Chris is another driving force behind Zero's camp view. While finding Chris annoying, Zero tolerated him because he genuinely believed Chris hated demons as much as him. And he fed off it, enjoying the chance to have someone to embrace this feeling with him. At the same time, embracing his own hatred of himself, and using Chris to drive this home. Which Chris occasionally noticed. Problems arose once Chris both started reassessing his opinion of demons and caring more about Zero. It not only pinged some serious Yuuki buttons for Zero but forced him up against a wall, taking from him his chief reminder that he is right to hate. And forcing him to consider that not everything is black and white. Especially with the way Chris continued to push the issue, not easily giving up. But the timing was a little special...
3. INSANITY
At the point where I took Zero, he is handling some of his vampire issues with help from the blood of three purebred vampires. This, however, does not mean that he is not slightly still insane. And being at camp plays with this further, separating him from his one source of sanity -- Yuuki. Deprived of blood, except what he gets from fluffy camp animals :(, Zero gradually became a bit of a ticking time bomb. Things irritated him easier and he was quicker to threaten. His encounter with Spike and failed rescue of Chris -- which ended up revealing his vampire nature -- further stoked this issue, reminding him again how unstable he is. Which only served to unnerve him more. Things got worse as he very nearly almost bit both Doyle and Chris and found pure anger harder to control, often calling out his vampiric side. Which only made him more upset and more ANGRY at himself. Zero slipped more into borderline picking fights as time wore on, even as people kept challenging his view of demons and himself. Unable to accept that anything that wasn't human could be good -- as he constantly watched himself teeter on the brink of madness and bloodlust -- these pleas, and sometimes demands, for understanding only worsened Zero's condition. For one major reason.
4. HATE
Zero can't let go of his hate. Not of vampires (and by extension demons) and not of himself. He can't. His hate is his drive and all he has lived for. In his mind, it's all he has. He truly believes Yuuki would prefer Kaname, as much as he hates him and still can't see a real reason for living. Protecting everyone is a job, yes, and a promise, one he takes very seriously. Obviously. But it has yet to cancel out that hate. The threat of losing that hate well nigh removes Zero's purpose and he reflexively and mentally rebels against that, using all of his logic, all of his past, all of his own experience to counter whenever someone tries to make him think. Thinking even for a moment that maybe his universal hate is misguided or even w-wrong is more or less a psychological shock to his entire being. So the more people pushed, the more Zero shut down, while at the same time hearing everything. Yes, what Kharg and Darc and Sera and Chris said did get through to him, he just couldn't let himself understand it. It's like giving up the last thing he has, his drive. And Zero, deep down, is afraid of that. Because as much as he wants to die, Zero still needs a reason for living when he believes he should be dead. He has to rationalize it to himself. And this is what he has. So yeah, racism but really really fucked-up and psychologically motivated racism.
5. BREAKING POINT
Everything came to a boil following the mess of SRS PONY BUSINESS, Chris and his but but but and of course the double-whammy of Sera and Darc. At this point, Zero was looking for a fight, something, anything to assure him that yes demons are the enemy, and also hopefully critically injure him in the process. Since pain stops the thinking. And Zero was TIRED of thinking. Hearing Sera's talk of sacrificing for humanity, along with Kharg's oh yeah she's an exception pretty much snapped something inside him. To the point where when Darc pointed out his own clash with less-than-pleasant humans and Zero's own hypocrisy, Zero just want. TO MAKE HIM GO AWAY. Which of course led to his getting his ass kicked and then feeding on Chris to counter the significant blood loss.
6. AFTERMATH
Now fully fed again, Zero has a bit more of his control back. AKA arguably more sane. Thus, he realizes the full extent of his actions. While fighting Darc does not overly bother him -- he is still unsure about Darc's true evilness at this point -- attacking Darc the way he did hit him hard. Both because it represents a broken promise to Yuuki about fighting and because he knows how much control he lost in the process. A loss that led to his hurting an innocent, Chris, someone who not only wanted to help him but had been willing to let him feed on him. This latter part is the biggest issue for Zero because it terrifies him that someone who hates any talk of hurting oneself would do that for him. And he knows Chris could have run away. Zero is incredibly scared of Chris' conviction to helping him since he truly believes he doesn't deserve it. And he doesn't want anything like that to happen again! And he's afraid it will. Which is why he tried to push Chris to agree to kill him if he snaps again. This of course was fail, and thus Zero is more miserable than ever. He doesn't want to hear Chris say he's not a monster because that means Chris will trust him, something he's now sure will only put Chris in danger in the end. So for the moment, he is simply scared of Chris and will try to avoid him.
But his attack on Darc also drove home his own hypocrisy since Zero watched himself seriously set on killing someone without provocation. While this makes Zero hate himself more, it also makes him less likely to accuse others of doing this if they're. Not doing it. Does this mean he's ready to open up to demons? NO FUCKING WAY. But! He's less willing to threaten and outright tell them how much they suck. For now. He's also still going to do his job, which means he's still going to keep an eye on non-humans and instinctively distrust them. He's just. Going to be less of a complete ass about it. Basically he's going to act more like he acts when Yuuki's around to yank his chain and scold him. Because he doesn't want to risk losing control again.
It should also be noted that Zero is back in full-suicidal mode but is more aware of the obvious -- camp won't let him die. Also, Chris was SO DAMN UPSET when he let on that he wanted to kill himself that out of not wanting to hurt Chris any further, he forced himself to deal with his emo like a NORMAL PERSON and not even attempt anything. He's. Trying to handle things. He's just very upset. And hurting himself is his default.
Final note, Zero's sanity is heavily tied into whether he's eating so as more time passes without nummies, he's liable to start spiraling again. :(