Against the Wind
I don't know why my father keeps creeping into my thoughts, but it seems like everywhere I turn there is something to remind me of him. Thinking about him has made me feel sad lately. And it used to be that I would feel so angry, but now I just cry a little bit. I often think about writing him a letter, but I'm not sure what to say, or how to start, or anything. What if it just makes me cry more?
This whole ordeal has been going on for years now and it still hurts. Maybe it will hurt forever.
I can't figure out why I am writing about this, because there is nothing I can say now that I haven't said before-- probably a million times or more.
I can't explain any of my feelings. I can't explain why I still love him, or why I miss him, or why he has the power to make me cry when I haven't seen or talked to him in what must be years now. I've lost track. I really have. I just remember the last time I saw him we were having dinner at El Rodeo and I couldn't tell if he was clean or not. But, shortly after that he went to jail so he probably wasn't.
And I don't know if I could ever go through that again. I don't know if I could ever trust him again. It's just so scary. Like what if he messes up again and everything goes to hell or what if he overdoses, or gets sick because he is getting too old for drugs, he really is. I don't know what I would do if my father died, I really don't. People are always talking about making things right and forgiving and forgetting because things like that can happen before you even know it. But I don't even know if I can forgive him.
I just wish he was a normal father. I wish we had normal father-daughter arguments and conversations and memories. But, we don't. And I suppose I resent him for that.
I had his new phone number for awhile, but then I threw it away because I didn't want to be tempted to use it on a day like today. And I wouldn't call anyone in his family for it even if I did decide to call him, because it is none of their business. And they have done things in the past regarding my father, to make me feel angry with them. My relationship with them has pretty much disintegrated as a result of everything that has happened. I never wanted things to be this way. I really didn't.
Families are just so complicated.
I should just face it, this isn't going to go away. This is going to be with me forever. And I suppose it's time that I admit there are unresolved feelings floating around. I just don't know what to do about them.
These lyrics always remind me of my father.
And the years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worried about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searchin'
Searching for shelter again and again
Against the wind
A little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter against the wind
This whole ordeal has been going on for years now and it still hurts. Maybe it will hurt forever.
I can't figure out why I am writing about this, because there is nothing I can say now that I haven't said before-- probably a million times or more.
I can't explain any of my feelings. I can't explain why I still love him, or why I miss him, or why he has the power to make me cry when I haven't seen or talked to him in what must be years now. I've lost track. I really have. I just remember the last time I saw him we were having dinner at El Rodeo and I couldn't tell if he was clean or not. But, shortly after that he went to jail so he probably wasn't.
And I don't know if I could ever go through that again. I don't know if I could ever trust him again. It's just so scary. Like what if he messes up again and everything goes to hell or what if he overdoses, or gets sick because he is getting too old for drugs, he really is. I don't know what I would do if my father died, I really don't. People are always talking about making things right and forgiving and forgetting because things like that can happen before you even know it. But I don't even know if I can forgive him.
I just wish he was a normal father. I wish we had normal father-daughter arguments and conversations and memories. But, we don't. And I suppose I resent him for that.
I had his new phone number for awhile, but then I threw it away because I didn't want to be tempted to use it on a day like today. And I wouldn't call anyone in his family for it even if I did decide to call him, because it is none of their business. And they have done things in the past regarding my father, to make me feel angry with them. My relationship with them has pretty much disintegrated as a result of everything that has happened. I never wanted things to be this way. I really didn't.
Families are just so complicated.
I should just face it, this isn't going to go away. This is going to be with me forever. And I suppose it's time that I admit there are unresolved feelings floating around. I just don't know what to do about them.
These lyrics always remind me of my father.
And the years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worried about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searchin'
Searching for shelter again and again
Against the wind
A little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter against the wind