Just here
I have the urge to write. I just don't have anything worth writing about.
I'm trying to figure out where in my life that I went off track. Was I ever going the right way? I know the shortcuts and wrong turns I have taken along the way, but I don't know that I was on the right path before my detours. I have no idea if the person sitting here today in front of this fucking laptop is the person that I was meant to be! I think of all the things in my life that I missed out on. All those firsts, and I wonder if I should have had them to be the me that I'm supposed to be. I saw that video at Darrell's house, and it made me wonder how I buried myself. How I pretended that my life didn't really exist? I look at the person on that tape, and its hard to think that that girl was me. I've come so far since then, but I don't think I am anywhere near when I need to be. How am I going to get there? Sometimes I feel so stuck in this rut of my life. I have all these plans in my head. Plans that outline how I'm going to go about doing what needs to be done. But, when it gets right down to it, nothing comes out right. I get in the way of myself. Sometimes I just wanna sit in my chair and smoke and stare at the computer. Sometimes I want to get up and do SOMETHING ANYTHING to make something happen.
Its not that I don't love Ben. I do. With all of pieces of my heart that are left. He is so good to me. He knows how I am, and keeps me grounded and somedays keeps me from jumping in the car and driving away. The thought of getting in the car, filling it up with gas, grabbing my smokes and just driving fills me with a happiness so bittersweet that it takes all my energy to turn off on my exit on the way to work. Sad thing is this makes me sound so morose, and I'm not. I'm so far from it. I'm actually the happiest that I've ever been in my life. But, some nights when I'm up late and Ben is in bed sleeping, I have these thoughts that pop up in my head.
The days that I stay on plan, I feel better, but not totally healed. I stayed on points today, and did my mile walk, and I should be walking on air. Instead, I'm sitting here feeling like I need to purge my soul. I think tonight, that the cause of my blah-ness is this damn book. I sit reading about Dolores and it breaks me fucking heart. I feel like she is part of me. The upside of that is her life was/is so much worse than I could ever imagine. My heart bleeds for us anyways. I read this book and I don't know how I made it through this far in my life sometimes. At the same time, she empowers me. She makes me want to get up and do something. I just need to figure out exactly what I need to do to get myself where I'm striving to be. I need to figure out WHERE I'm striving to be!
Enough of this bullshit. Sleep is calling to me!