Fandom: From Eroica With Love
Sleeping Beauty by myst49
Dorian: Oh, a romance! How exciting.
Klaus: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Disclaimer: I’m sure you already know this but I certainly do not own ‘From Eroica With Love’ by Yasuko Aoike nor do I own the storyline to Disney’s ‘Sleeping Beauty’.
Klaus: They should both sue this person’s sorry ass!
Dorian: I’m surprised you don’t want to shoot them.
Klaus: Don’t tempt me.
I’m just some random fan borrowing both for a little while. If you want to sue it would have to be paid in dust. I don't have any money, but dust, dust I have a lot of.
James: I can get a lot for dust!
Klaus: Knock yourself out, tightwad.
Summary: Ever wondered what would happen if ‘From Eroica With Love’ happened in the world of Disney’s ‘Sleeping Beauty’? Well here is my messed up version. Enjoy!
Dorian: Messed up version?
Klaus: I was right. It is a sick joke.
Warning: This is one messed up version of ‘Sleeping Beauty’ and some of the characters from ‘From Eroica With Love’
Klaus: That’s it. Where’s my gun?
Chapter 1
Earl Dorian Red Gloria aka Eroica stands beside a silently seething Major Klaus Heinz Von Dem Eberbach aka Iron Klaus
Klaus: Christ, they can’t even spell my name right!
Dorian: At least they have you seething, Major.
in one of the underground chambers of one of the oxford libraries, searching for a book.
Dorian: Dear me, Oxford should be capitalized.
Klaus: *indignant snort*
Dorian: And the author claims to be from Britain, too.
Klaus: That explains a lot, bloody Limeys.
It seems that the reason Dorian had been hired this time by NATO was to steal an old book, only later to find that it had been donated to this oxford library after the owner had passed away.
Klaus: What the hell!?
Dorian: Major…
Klaus: I’m in intelligence! There is no way my men would make that kind of an oversight!
Dorian: Or they’d be sent to Alaska?
Klaus: Exactly.
“Darling is this the book you seek?” Dorian purrs out his words with no thought of self-preservation.
Dorian: I do not talk like that!
Klaus: Why the hell am I letting you look for the book, anyway?
Dorian: No idea.
He pulls out the ugliest book from the over packed shelf,
Dorian: Now I know this is fiction.
Klaus: *eyeroll*
which instantly changes in his hands, becoming gold gilded and Jem encrusted with the words ‘Sleeping Beauty’ engraved on the front.
Klaus: Jem encrusted?
Dorian: Oh, I have the Midas touch!
James: When did you get that?
Klaus: Go back to selling your dust!
James: Wah!
Klaus for once not reacting in his usual way, shoots Dorian
Klaus: I think I like this story.
Dorian: Major!
a horrified glance
Klaus: Shit.
and goes to push the book from Dorian’s hands.
Klaus: Because it turned to gold?
Dorian: Perhaps you knew something that the author didn’t think was important enough to share.
But just as he touches the book, it glows in ethereal light and then drops open on the first page on a beautifully carved podium.
Klaus: That sentence made no sense at all!
Dorian: Nor to me, and I’m a native English speaker.
There was no podium there before.
Klaus: Because we would have noticed, idiot!
Dorian: Major…
And there is no Earl
Klaus: Yes, I am liking this story.
or Major now.
Dorian: Snicker.
Klaus: Growl.
An aged voice thunders through the room with authority and in its best storytelling tone, and every few sentences it booms the book turns a page.
Klaus: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Dorian: I think this is where the fairy tale bit starts.
Klaus: With you in it, it was always a fairy tale!
“In a far away land, long ago, lived a king and his fair queen.
Klaus: Fair queen. That would be you.
Dorian: Shut up!
Many years had they longed for a child and finally their wish was granted. A son was born.
Dorian: THAT would be me, Major!
Klaus: Harrumph!
But unfortunately the Queen could not except that the little girl she had been waiting for all her life was not to be. So the queen announced the birth of the awaited child was a princess, called Doria Red Gloria.
Dorian: What!?
Klaus: *bursts out laughing*
Dorian: This is horrible!
G: Dressing like a girl isn’t so bad.
Dorian: *sputters*
The child filled the King and Queen’s hearts with sunshine.
Klaus: Excuse me while I throw up.
Dorian: I may join you.
Then a great holiday was proclaimed throughout the kingdom, so that all of high or low estate might pay homage to the infant ‘princess’.
Klaus: Low estate. That’s you, tightwad.
James: Hey!
And our story begins on that most joyful day.”
Dorian: Joyful for whom? I’m being emasculated!
Klaus: I can make it permanent.
In a flash of lightning the room of the library disappears, not only that but other people connected to either the Earl or the Major disappear suddenly.
Dorian: I’m sure in some universe that sentence makes sense.
Klaus: Don’t bet on it.
The scene you all now view is that of a crowd all dressed in their Sunday best waiting in joyous anticipation for the baby ‘princess’s’ naming celebration.
Dorian: I’m getting a headache.
Bonham: Would you like a lie down, M’lord?
Klaus: Don’t give him any ideas!
Suddenly a choir appears from seemingly nowhere and starts to sing to help encourage the joyous atmosphere:
Klaus: Seemingly nowhere?
Dorian: I think I will lie down.
“Joyfully now to our princess we come,
Bringing gifts and all good wishes too.
We pledge our loyalty anew.
Hail to the princess Doria!
Dorian: *Groans loudly*
All of her subjects adore her!
Agent G: I think there should be a trans-gender warning on this story.
Klaus: I think it should just be a warning for people not to read it.
Agent A: Shall I get on that, sir?
Klaus: Yes.
Hail to the King!
Hail to the Queen!
Hail to the princess Doria!
Dorian: Is this a bloody weather forecast?
Klaus: Would you prefer a hail of bullets?
Health to the princess,
Wealth to the princess,
James: Now you’re talking! Wealth! Lots and lots of wealth!
Dorian: James, not so loud.
James: *whispers* Wealth!
Long live the princess Doria!
Hail Doria!
Hail Doria!
Health to the princess,
Wealth to the princess,
Dorian: I think I could’ve done without the chorus being repeated all those times.
Klaus: I could’ve done without the song entirely.
James: Wealth! More wealth!
Klaus: Shut up!
Long live the princess Doria!
Hail to the King!
Hail to the Queen!
Hail to the princess Doria!”
Klaus: If they start up again, there will be a hail of bullets.
Then above the choirs singing the same voice booms out over this cheerful landscape,
Klaus: Christ, what a mess!
Dorian: A noisy throng indeed.
Bonham: They’ll waken the baby.
and making the view turn to that of inside the castle.
Dorian: I’m guessing we’re supposed to think of this as a camera angle.
Klaus: Who the fuck cares?
“Thus on this great and joyous day did all the kingdom celebrate the long awaited royal birth. And good King A and his Queen G made welcome their life long friend.”
Agent G: Wait…what?
Agent A: I had nothing to do with this, Major.
Agent G: I can’t give birth! I’m not a woman!
Dorian: Welcome to my world.
Klaus: Snicker.
Just as the booming voice died
Dorian: Major!
Klaus: I’m the only booming voice around here. *reholsters gun*
down a smartly dressed announcer crept out of the shadows and cleared his throat before shouting out in a voice that suspiciously sounds like the booming one from earlier:
Klaus: Just get on with it.
Dorian: Always so impatient.
“Their royal highnesses, King Eberbach and Prince Klaus”
Klaus: *sputters and flails*
Dorian: Snicker.
Klaus: This is an outrage! An insult!
The announcer scurries off back into the shadows. Just before the booming voice is reheard:
Klaus: God fucking dammit!
“Fondly had these monarchs dreamed one day their kingdoms to unite. Thus today would they announce that Klaus, Eberbach’s son and heir to A's child would be betrothed, and so to her his gift he brought, and looked, unknowing, on his future bride.”
Dorian: Oh! Well, I’m all for that!
Klaus: Shut up, you bloody pervert!
The younger Klaus looks indignantly at the even younger Dorian...
Klaus: He’s a fucking infant! Of course he’s younger.
Dorian: It’s a fairy tale. Perhaps the party went on for several years.
Klaus: Perhaps the author is brain damaged!
opps I meant of course Doria...and then in true Klaus style thunders out of the throne room with his father in tow.
Klaus: My father would never follow after me in that manner!
Dorian: And I don’t think you thunder, either. You tromp.
Klaus: I do not!
James: You do too!
Klaus: *glares*
Again the announcer scuttles out of the shadows and shouts out another announcement:
Dorian: This is getting very tedious.
Klaus: It started out tedious and went downhill from there.
“The most honored and exalted Excellencies, the three good fairies. Mistress Bonham, mistress Jones, and mistress James.”
Bonham: Mistress!
Jones: Mistress!
James: Mistress! Bwaaaaaa!
Klaus: Three fairies. At least something is accurate.
Just as the announcer disappears again the said three fly down from the air with red, green, and blue auras helping their decent.
Dorian: The said three?
Klaus: Your fairy God-henchmen.
The fairy announced as Jones whispers hurriedly to the one announced as Bonham:
Jones: Huh, wh..wh…what?
Bonham: Don’t look at me.
“Why are we ‘mistresses’? We’re guys...”
Jones: Too late, we asked that already.
As an answer the fairy Bonham quickly rambles about how fairies are better trusted if they are female.
Bonham: I don’a ramble!
Dorian: Be grateful. Everything else has been in excruciating detail.
Klaus: Did you explain why you have a mustache?
Bonham: This lot probably won’t notice.
Dorian: A fair point, since they don’t seem to know a boy from a girl.
All three fairies land safely, in the open throne room, and rush to the cradle.
K: Fairy thieves. How appropriate.
The one announced as James is holding onto a calculator in a death grip. As the fairies reach the cradle each lets out a breath and coos out the words “Oh, the little darling!” before turning towards the king and queen and curtsying clumsily in their dresses.
Dorian: I think I may be sick again.
Klaus: I think breath mints will solve that problem.
“Your majesties”
The fairy Bonham take a step forward in his red dress to talk to King A and Queen G.
Dorian: Take a step?
Klaus: No comment.
“Each o’ us the child may bless wit’ a single gift. No more, no less.” The fairy Bonham Turns back to the cradle and grants his gift: “Little princess, my gift shall be the gift o’ beauty.”
Dorian: Oh! Lovely!
Klaus: So you’ll grow into a fine Queen!
Dorian: Your Queen, dear heart.
Klaus: Fuck off.
As if by magic the same choir that had been singing before start up after Bonham’s words:
Klaus: Christ, not again!
Dorian: *puts in earplugs*
“One gift, beauty rare
Full of sunshine in her hair
Lips that shame the red red rose
She'll walk with springtime
Wherever she goes”
Klaus: Do we have to endure that two more times?
Next up steps the fairy Jones, in a green dress, who smiles into the cradle before granting his gift:
Dorian: Looks like it. *Puts earplugs back in*
“Tiny princess, my gift shall be the gift of song.”
Again the choir start to sing as soon as he finishes his words:
Klaus: Give me those earplugs!
“One gift, the gift of song
Melody her whole life long
The nightingale's her troubadour
Bringing her sweet serenade
To her door”
James: M’lord, I didn’t know you could sing!
Bonham: James, it be a fairy tale.
James: You sure?
Then up steps the fairy James, using his calculator as a wand he waves it above the child and starts to speak his gift:
James: Money! Money! Money!
“Sweet princess, my gift shall be...”
James: Money! Money! Money!
Just before James can finish a strong blast of wind makes the castle doors bang open, and as if in serenade lightning flashes down onto the open platform in the throne room, making horrendous thunder as it leaves. Just as the flash disappears a witch dressed in purple and black stands laughing evilly.
Klaus: Translation?
Dorian: I think the bad guy just arrived.
Klaus: Then why the hell didn’t they just say so?
Dorian: *shrugs*
“Why, 's The Chief!” cries out Bonham to be answered by a wailing James
Klaus: I’ve been asking that for years.
Dorian: I think that is supposed to read, “Why, it’s the Chief.”
“What does she want here!”
Klaus: Is everyone a bloody transsexual in this thing?
Dorian: Everyone but you, it seems.
Klaus: See what happens when you live a perverted life?
Jones quickly rushes to shut James up with an indulgent ‘shhh’. This is quickly followed with the Chief’s own opening statement:
Jones: Could it then be quickly followed by the end?
Bonham: Hear, hear!
“Well, quite a glittering assemblage, King A. Royalty, nobility, the gentry, and, how quaint, even the rabble!”
Klaus: I thought this was supposed to be the villain?
Dorian: That’s how they talk in fairy tales.
Klaus: Foppish nonsense.
James in angry tears starts to fly towards the Chief but is held back by Bonham.
Klaus: Let him go, you idiot!
Dorian: Shhhh!
In response to this the Chief ignores the fairies and speaks directly to King A and Queen G.
“I really felt quite distressed, not receiving an invitation.”
Agent G: Why would I want to invite him!
Agent A: Her.
Agent G: Quiet, I’m confused enough.
James steadily getting angrier by the moment shouts out to the Chief in a screechy voice:
James: My voice is not screechy!
Klaus: You’re right. It’s whiny.
James: Waaaaaah!
Dorian: Poor Jamesy.
“You weren't wanted!”
Klaus: Finally, the tightwad makes sense!
Agent G: Hear, hear!
“Not wa...? Oh dear, what an awkward situation. I had hoped it was merely due to some oversight. Well, in that event I'd best be on my way.” The Chief goes to walk away when the ever-unflappable Queen G speaks out:
Agent G: When did I get to be unflappable?
Agent A: Must’ve been in a deleted scene.
Agent G: They should all be deleted scenes.
Klaus: Hear, hear.
“And you're not offended, your Excellency?”
Agent G: Christ, who writes this stuff?
“Why no, your majesty. And to show I bear no ill will, I, too, shall bestow a gift on the child.” With this being said the Chief turns to Doria’s cradle whilst the Fairies do their utmost to huddle around it hoping that it will stop the oncoming attack.
Klaus: I’m guessing this is supposed to be suspenseful.
Dorian: I think so.
Klaus: Wake me if something happens.
“Listen well, all of you! The princess shall indeed grow in grace and beauty, beloved by all who know her. But, before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday, she shall prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die!” with this Queen G grabs Doria up into her arms and starts crying out things such as ‘oh no!’.
Dorian: I would like to point out that this curse is being made on a girl.
Klaus: So?
Dorian: Since I’m really a boy, doesn’t that mean it won’t work?
Klaus: You’re trying to apply logic to this crap?
Dorian: Point taken.
The Chief starts an evil cackle
Chief: I do not cackle.
James: Whatever!
just as King A recovers enough to call on his guards: “Seize that creature!”
Klaus: Creature. Good description. I’ll have to remember that.
“Stand back you fools!” with that said the Chief, the bitterest Witch in this story, disappears under a strike of lightning and horrendous evil laughter.
Dorian: Wait, I don’t remember anything about witches in this story! Just fairies.
Agent G: Must be another deleted scene.
Klaus: I am not getting the DVD just to see it.
Bonham quickly recovers pushing the near hysterical James towards the cradle.
James: Near hysterical? Hey! Don't push!
“Don't despair, your majesties. James still has her gift to give.”
James: Limited time offer. I’m gonna keep it.
Bonham: Bloody skinflint!
King A looks hopefully at James and asks:
Agent A: Now I’m gonna be sick.
Agent G. Just tough it out.
Klaus: Be a man! You’re one of the few in this piece of shit!
“Then she can undo this fearful curse?”
Klaus: Probably not. The idiot’s gonna die and I don’t have to marry him.
Dorian: Major!
James looks shakily at King A answering in a quavering voice. “Oh no, sire.”
Klaus: See!
Bonham going to save James buts in with: “Chief’s powers are far too great!”
Klaus: Since when?
Thankfully before James starts crying Jones backs up the statement:
Dorian: Just get on with the saving part, will you!
“But she can help!” James goes to protest but is beaten by Jones’s
Klaus: Nice going, Jones. I had you all wrong all these years.
Jones: Thank you, Major.
James: Waaaaah!
“Just do your best, dear!” and Bonham’s almost whispered ‘yes’. James looks up at the two deer eyed before turning to the child and waving his calculator again;
Bonham: Almost whispered?
Klaus: Deer eyed what?
Dorian: *shrugs*
“Sweet princess, if through this wicked witches trick a spindle should your finger prick, a ray of hope there still may be in this, the gift I give at thee. Not in death but just in sleep the fateful prophecy you'll keep, and from this slumber you shall wake when true love's kiss the spell shall break.”
Klaus: Why didn’t you just do that in the first place!
Dorian: It’s a fairy tale, Major.
Klaus: With very stupid characters in it.
Dorian: I can’t argue with that.
As soon as James finishes his incantation the choir starts up again singing just one solitary line:
“For true love conquers all!”
Klaus: What? True love of what? From whom?
Dorian: I think a major plot point went missing in all this.
James: My true love! It's mine!
Klaus: You were gonna run away, coward!
James: At least you got to stay a man.
Klaus: What the hell was the point of all that?
Bonham: It was s'posed to have a point?
Dorian: Um…
Klaus: My eyes are bleeding!
Dorian: Oh, poor baby. Let me kiss it, make it better.
Klaus: Don’t touch me, you pervert!
THE END
Klaus: About bloody time!