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It seemed like yesterday was a fine day.
I can't remember a single bad thing that happened.
And when it was over, when I got off of the phone with you around midnight
I heard the crickets all at once stop
I saw the moon look to cloudcover
And witnessed in the darkest parts of my mind a universe
On tilt
Topple.
I was listening to something on the TV,
Telling myself little stories
And living out little scenarios in my mind.
I was right on the cusp of unconsciousness
When I was suddenly at the door between this world and the next.
Something in my mind clicked, and there was the noise of liquid switching from one container to the next, as if chemicals in my brain were unbalancing.
I heard a voice.
Not a man's voice,
Not a woman's voice,
Something not from this world singing "You don't do anything without me telling you to."
And there was the sound of a single low tubular bell being struck repeatedly.
It was a dark place.
There was enough room to stand,
But not enough to sit comfortably.
There was no time in this place, and no air.
I couldn't breathe, but I didn't have to.
I was just there, a quiet observer of nothingness.
My eyes shot open,
And I was on the couch.
The most miraculous thing was that I was breathing.
I jumped up, and ran to the bathroom
Feeling my pulse along the way.
I checked my eyes, no jaundice, no liver failure.
The weight in my chest didn't suggest arrhythmia...
Claustrophobia set in.
I then ran outside.
But outside just felt like a giant inside.
Agoraphobia.
I smoked three cigarettes in quick succession
And then went back inside,
Only to find myself alone,
Shaking and
Powerless.
I couldn't think.
I ran to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to vomit
And I did,
But it wasn't normal vomiting.
My muscles weren't working the right way.
It was a quick belch of fluid
Mixed colors, nothing I ate today
A ball of curdled greens and yellows and reds
And then it was done.
I stood up, looking down at it
Asking myself where the rest was
And what was happening to me?
I was still in that place
In my stomach
In my hands.
I did the only thing I could
And when she answered,
Her voice was coarse. She was angry that I called.
We don't speak, but to whom else could I turn at this point?
"It sounds like you're having an anxiety attack, Brian." She said. "It'll just pass."
"Have you done something wron- Wait... Have you done something right?" She asked.
-Brian
It seemed like yesterday was a fine day.
I can't remember a single bad thing that happened.
And when it was over, when I got off of the phone with you around midnight
I heard the crickets all at once stop
I saw the moon look to cloudcover
And witnessed in the darkest parts of my mind a universe
On tilt
Topple.
I was listening to something on the TV,
Telling myself little stories
And living out little scenarios in my mind.
I was right on the cusp of unconsciousness
When I was suddenly at the door between this world and the next.
Something in my mind clicked, and there was the noise of liquid switching from one container to the next, as if chemicals in my brain were unbalancing.
I heard a voice.
Not a man's voice,
Not a woman's voice,
Something not from this world singing "You don't do anything without me telling you to."
And there was the sound of a single low tubular bell being struck repeatedly.
It was a dark place.
There was enough room to stand,
But not enough to sit comfortably.
There was no time in this place, and no air.
I couldn't breathe, but I didn't have to.
I was just there, a quiet observer of nothingness.
My eyes shot open,
And I was on the couch.
The most miraculous thing was that I was breathing.
I jumped up, and ran to the bathroom
Feeling my pulse along the way.
I checked my eyes, no jaundice, no liver failure.
The weight in my chest didn't suggest arrhythmia...
Claustrophobia set in.
I then ran outside.
But outside just felt like a giant inside.
Agoraphobia.
I smoked three cigarettes in quick succession
And then went back inside,
Only to find myself alone,
Shaking and
Powerless.
I couldn't think.
I ran to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to vomit
And I did,
But it wasn't normal vomiting.
My muscles weren't working the right way.
It was a quick belch of fluid
Mixed colors, nothing I ate today
A ball of curdled greens and yellows and reds
And then it was done.
I stood up, looking down at it
Asking myself where the rest was
And what was happening to me?
I was still in that place
In my stomach
In my hands.
I did the only thing I could
And when she answered,
Her voice was coarse. She was angry that I called.
We don't speak, but to whom else could I turn at this point?
"It sounds like you're having an anxiety attack, Brian." She said. "It'll just pass."
"Have you done something wron- Wait... Have you done something right?" She asked.
-Brian