The REAL Magic School Bus, Part I:
It was the twelfth grade at Walkerville Highschool. I was of course entirely stoned before Science class, not paying attention to a damn thing, my desk pressed tightly against that of Phoebe's, my girlfriend of quite some time. She was reading some fucking book on animal rights and bitching about SADS (Students Against Desert Scarcity) when SHE walked in.
"Oh my fucking God." Said Carlos, his eyes opening wide. "That bitch is back."
We all perked up, quickly. I put my arm around Phoebe and looked around for something I could use to kill this crazy widowed redhead before she showed up with some shape-shifting school bus that would take us into outer space or something. Arnold started tapping his pencil nervously, he was ready to piss himself.
Tim also noticed. "Arnie, it's all good."
"No, it's fucking not." Arnold said. "I want to go home, right the fuck now. RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" He screamed. He made a bead for the door, but it was too late, a small green lizard moved quickly in front of the exit. His tongue snaking out in an almost sexual way to my young red-headed friend. Arnie slowly backed away. "Hello, Liz." He said, carefully. The lizard just reared one of its hind-legs and shut the door.
She looked at us, with piercing eyes. Knowing full well she was about to make us all hallucinate for the rest of our young lives, prescription pills and LSD aside. "Mrs. Lorenz won't be in today, I'll be your substitute teacher for Science today, and you may call me..." She trailed off as she began to write on the blackboard in bright white chalk: MRS. FRIZZLE.
D.A. clenched her pink bookbag in a way I've never seen her hold it before. She squeezed it, she wanted it broken, and I saw a tear escape her eye. I wanted to stand up and tell her "It's okay, princess. It'll be okay." The way I did after junior prom when she was bound with copper wire in the back of my Chevy Lumina. But, she was really upset this time, and I didn't think there was anything I could do.
"You can call me 'The Frizz' though, if you like..." SHE quickly scanned the room, I felt Phoebe's hand clench mine as she walked toward our desks, "Hello, Phoebe." She greeted my girlfriend. I steadied the urge to stand up in front of her. I'd heard of this crazy wild-eyed bitch before, and wasn't about to let anything happen to my brunette goddess. "And who is this?" The Frizz asked.
Phoebe was frozen. I heard a high-pitched squeel escape her throat.
Her palms down on my desk, her eyes boring into mine. "What's your NAME, young man?" She asked as sweetly as she could muster. I knew there was a deep evil behind the witch's voice. Arnold held his head in his hands. Carlos laughed maniacally to quiet his tortured soul. D.A. tried to look forward at the chalkboard and be a good little girl. Keesha was muttering to herself "No way. No fucking way." Over and over again, reaching for her cigarettes, but pulling away every time she looked back at my desk to see Ms. Frizzle. Wanda was ahead of us all, straightening a paperclip, her thin eyes ready to kill. Ralphie squeezed his stress ball, HARD, and I heard him say "Tim." in desperation.
At this point, Tim had no words of comfort for anyone, even Arnold.
"I'm Brian, Ms. COLE." I said. Going for my Science text as if it could've been used as a weapon against this heartless harpy.
She choked, briefly, and steadied herself, flattening her dress at her thighs. I was the first one to see it, the pattern on her dress. Everyone else, in horror, looked down as well.
That was when Arnold shat himself.
Phoebe grabbed my arm and her nails dug in so deeply I almost yelped myself.
She leaned in so closely I could smell the death on her breath. The lizard seemed to laugh.
"I think we have to take the new kid on a field trip, kiddos. What do you think?"
D.A. passed out. And for the first time in my life, I saw Carlos try to hang himself with his bookbag straps.
To be continued!
-Brian
"Oh my fucking God." Said Carlos, his eyes opening wide. "That bitch is back."
We all perked up, quickly. I put my arm around Phoebe and looked around for something I could use to kill this crazy widowed redhead before she showed up with some shape-shifting school bus that would take us into outer space or something. Arnold started tapping his pencil nervously, he was ready to piss himself.
Tim also noticed. "Arnie, it's all good."
"No, it's fucking not." Arnold said. "I want to go home, right the fuck now. RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" He screamed. He made a bead for the door, but it was too late, a small green lizard moved quickly in front of the exit. His tongue snaking out in an almost sexual way to my young red-headed friend. Arnie slowly backed away. "Hello, Liz." He said, carefully. The lizard just reared one of its hind-legs and shut the door.
She looked at us, with piercing eyes. Knowing full well she was about to make us all hallucinate for the rest of our young lives, prescription pills and LSD aside. "Mrs. Lorenz won't be in today, I'll be your substitute teacher for Science today, and you may call me..." She trailed off as she began to write on the blackboard in bright white chalk: MRS. FRIZZLE.
D.A. clenched her pink bookbag in a way I've never seen her hold it before. She squeezed it, she wanted it broken, and I saw a tear escape her eye. I wanted to stand up and tell her "It's okay, princess. It'll be okay." The way I did after junior prom when she was bound with copper wire in the back of my Chevy Lumina. But, she was really upset this time, and I didn't think there was anything I could do.
"You can call me 'The Frizz' though, if you like..." SHE quickly scanned the room, I felt Phoebe's hand clench mine as she walked toward our desks, "Hello, Phoebe." She greeted my girlfriend. I steadied the urge to stand up in front of her. I'd heard of this crazy wild-eyed bitch before, and wasn't about to let anything happen to my brunette goddess. "And who is this?" The Frizz asked.
Phoebe was frozen. I heard a high-pitched squeel escape her throat.
Her palms down on my desk, her eyes boring into mine. "What's your NAME, young man?" She asked as sweetly as she could muster. I knew there was a deep evil behind the witch's voice. Arnold held his head in his hands. Carlos laughed maniacally to quiet his tortured soul. D.A. tried to look forward at the chalkboard and be a good little girl. Keesha was muttering to herself "No way. No fucking way." Over and over again, reaching for her cigarettes, but pulling away every time she looked back at my desk to see Ms. Frizzle. Wanda was ahead of us all, straightening a paperclip, her thin eyes ready to kill. Ralphie squeezed his stress ball, HARD, and I heard him say "Tim." in desperation.
At this point, Tim had no words of comfort for anyone, even Arnold.
"I'm Brian, Ms. COLE." I said. Going for my Science text as if it could've been used as a weapon against this heartless harpy.
She choked, briefly, and steadied herself, flattening her dress at her thighs. I was the first one to see it, the pattern on her dress. Everyone else, in horror, looked down as well.
That was when Arnold shat himself.
Phoebe grabbed my arm and her nails dug in so deeply I almost yelped myself.
She leaned in so closely I could smell the death on her breath. The lizard seemed to laugh.
"I think we have to take the new kid on a field trip, kiddos. What do you think?"
D.A. passed out. And for the first time in my life, I saw Carlos try to hang himself with his bookbag straps.
To be continued!
-Brian