I'm not drunk, there's a way to start
I don't exactly know what I'm doing right now.
Just typing I guess. Or something.
Where are my icons? Oh yeah, no more paid account. Murph, I'm never here anyway, thanks Tumblr.
Church is being lame to me as usual. Not church as in like organized religion and the like, but church as in the people there.
It's not like they're actively mean, but like I'm ignored. Always. Haha, it always looks so silly when I start writing it out, but it certainly doesn't feel silly when I'm actually in the situation where I'm passed over and forgotten and feel stupid for even showing up to the event thing in the first place.
Oh, but I bet if I didn't show up I'd either get questioned on why I didn't show up or it'll be an excuse of why I shouldn't be invited to things or something. Everything's always my fault you see. Even when I get mad that I'm left out or whatever I never get an apology, just an "explanation"
When will the feely part of my brain finally understand this? Getting all hurt is lame.
I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it didn't feel like my other friends are distancing themselves or whatever. I either have to endure excuses or self-centered ramblings, blarhhhh. Just say your peace with me guys, I'm a big girl. Physically at least. I seem to be stunted in the maturity level for some reasonnnn
Siiiiiiigh
It's not fair of me to push away all the blame. I mean, I do know that in the end that I'm to blame for something or at the very least for putting up with this crap and letting it get to me.
Why can't I turn off the part of my brain that cares? What's the worst that could happen? No weird, unexplainable pain? Works for me!
I don't know what's going on with me. I'm complaining again oh nooooooooo
It's weird tho, I want to be mad. Not sad. I'm sad, but I feel like being alll grrr grrr LASH OUTTTT. because there's no point in being all wahhh wahhh
What could I lose?
But wait, angry confrontation's not "mature"
I wouldn't know that because I'm not "mature" you see.
But to me that's stupid though. If something's making you mad and such then why don't you try to fix it? Just keeping silent isn't going to do anything.
Sure I can do that with strangers and whatever, but if I know the person, oh no wayyyyy. I have to be all polite and courteous and societially correct. gagggg
When did I become so cynical? I didn't use to be like this. Man, as the years go by I seem to be getting worse not better. It's like I'm stuck at this level, of maturity, of life. Such an awkward level, I can't leave but yet I know everyone is just gawking and judging and comparing.
Maybe I'm not really here. I'm just like some doll or sounding board or whatever that started *thinking*. Thinking too much, out of her place and that's why I'm feeling all these crappy feelings when I really don't want to. Brain you need to stop for reals, its not cool. Depression, forgetting depression, denying depression, make up your mindddd
On another note, Pokemon Conquer (Pokemon Nobunaga's Ambition) is a TACTICS game. NOOOOOOOOOO
Oh tactics, my absolute worst gaming genre, my sole weakness. whyyyy must it be this way