my 'wtf is up with colin' entry
What the fuck is up with Colin? Honestly. I haven't really talked to him in a few weeks, mostly because at the beginning of this two-week period I had that allergic-reaction thing, but then after that we talked less and less.
I started complaining about him to Kelly and Meghan and they were all, "She's finally seen the light!" This confused me, and when I asked them, they were like, "Well, Colin's a prick. You never noticed?"
So I started to think about it. And I don't think that it's him that's changed - he's stayed exactly the same and it's just me seeing things in a different way.
It started a while ago when the way he talked started to annoy me. He always puts people down for no reason, and is extremely superficial in terms of looks and popularity. Plus, he always talks about himself. If we ever talked, it was always about whatever drama he had gotten himself into and he would only give me a chance to say how my day was at the end, or when there wasn't much time left. Or I would try to start something and he'd cut me off and continue with his story.
The putting people down part bothers me the most. He judges people solely on their looks and/or social status. More and more often I catch myself thinking, "That was really rude" or "That was unnecessary" or "Why is he acting so childish?" or rolling my eyes as he talks on the phone. I've started to look outside of the box, and I'm astounded at what I see. Where's the cool Colin? Where's the nice and friendly and caring Colin I've grown to know? Where's my best friend?
He's become really obnoxious and rude, even to his friends, and because of all these reasons, I'm reconsidering seeing myself as one of them.
It hit me really hard today though. When I came back to my first day of classes after New York, I see him in the hall and wave, and start to go towards him. He sees me but pretends he doesn't and starts to walk off with this girl, Katie, whom I could tell he's become a lot more friendly with while I was gone. So, since I wanted to say hi to him and stuff (and assuming he really didn't see me), I follow him, and when I finally catch up to him on the third floor where some of our other friends were sitting, he completely ignores me again. I tried to talk to him, but again, brushes me off as he goes and gives Katie a hug goodbye. So then he sits down with the others, and I think, okay, maybe now I could talk to him. But he says nothing and starts a conversation with one of the others and again, completely ignores me!
By that time I realised I was getting the silent treatment and got the hint. For some reason, he didn't want to talk to me. So I tried to talk to some of the others, but it was weird. It was as if I was missing something. Only one of them asked me how my trip was and all I got to say was "Oh, it was good..." before they turn away and rejoin the conversation they were all in.
Clearly I was not wanted for some reason. It completely baffled me, to tell you the truth. I have no idea what Colin could be mad at me about, but he's obviously got the others on "his side" somehow too.
And art was the most awkward class I've had in a long, long time. Me and Colin didn't speak at all. Nothing. It got me extremely depressed because I don't know what I've done wrong, and the person who was supposed to be my best friend was treating me like a piece of gum stuck to his shoe: disgusted.
I've been so blind. I write all this and it makes me want to cry. I have absolutly no idea how to fix this. I want the cool Colin back! I want to be able to laugh and joke around and skip class and do whatever again. But it seems like within a week, we've grown apart. It was all so sudden.
I have no idea why he could be mad at me, whether it was something I said or did or the fact that I went to New York. I have no fucking clue.
And it's sad because we were awesome friends for so long. But it seems like my usefulness as a confidante has worn off and he has no need for me anymore. There's nothing more to tell, so he doesn't tell me anything at all.
I remember the time when he told me he liked guys. He was so grateful that I didn't hate him and that I didn't reject him, and he said, word for word: "You're my best friend no matter what anyone says." I believed him.
And now I can't help but feel betrayed. Being betrayed by the one person you've learned to trust is... indescribable. I'm at a total loss and feel utterly helpless. Like I have no one to turn to. Sure, there's Kelly and Meghan and them, but I don't want to scare them off like Dave did by acting clingy. I feel so lonely and it hurts.
I know this is extremely emo of me, but the verses in the song "A Thousand Words" by Savage Garden describe my situation almost too vividly. The verses are in the bold writing...
We stumble in a tangled web
Decaying friendships almost dead
And hide behind a mask of lies
We twist and turn and we avoid
All hope of salvage now devoid
I see the truth inside your eyes
So take all this noise into your brain and send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin call you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud
You could resurrect a thousand words
To deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the reasons why
I don't need you anymore
Time manipulates your heart
Preconceptions torn apart
Begin to doubt my state of mind
But I won't go down on what I said
I won't retract convictions read
I may perplex, but I'm not blind
So take all this noise into your brain and send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin call you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud
You could resurrect a thousand words
To deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the reasons why
I don't need you anymore
I'll say the words out loud
I'll say a thousand words or more
Manipulation. Fabrication. Conversation. Annihilation.
I'll say a thousand words or more
Damnation. Frustration. Elevation. Procreation.
I'll say a thousand words or more
You could resurrect a thousand words
To deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the reasons why
I don't need you anymore
What a fool I've been.
I started complaining about him to Kelly and Meghan and they were all, "She's finally seen the light!" This confused me, and when I asked them, they were like, "Well, Colin's a prick. You never noticed?"
So I started to think about it. And I don't think that it's him that's changed - he's stayed exactly the same and it's just me seeing things in a different way.
It started a while ago when the way he talked started to annoy me. He always puts people down for no reason, and is extremely superficial in terms of looks and popularity. Plus, he always talks about himself. If we ever talked, it was always about whatever drama he had gotten himself into and he would only give me a chance to say how my day was at the end, or when there wasn't much time left. Or I would try to start something and he'd cut me off and continue with his story.
The putting people down part bothers me the most. He judges people solely on their looks and/or social status. More and more often I catch myself thinking, "That was really rude" or "That was unnecessary" or "Why is he acting so childish?" or rolling my eyes as he talks on the phone. I've started to look outside of the box, and I'm astounded at what I see. Where's the cool Colin? Where's the nice and friendly and caring Colin I've grown to know? Where's my best friend?
He's become really obnoxious and rude, even to his friends, and because of all these reasons, I'm reconsidering seeing myself as one of them.
It hit me really hard today though. When I came back to my first day of classes after New York, I see him in the hall and wave, and start to go towards him. He sees me but pretends he doesn't and starts to walk off with this girl, Katie, whom I could tell he's become a lot more friendly with while I was gone. So, since I wanted to say hi to him and stuff (and assuming he really didn't see me), I follow him, and when I finally catch up to him on the third floor where some of our other friends were sitting, he completely ignores me again. I tried to talk to him, but again, brushes me off as he goes and gives Katie a hug goodbye. So then he sits down with the others, and I think, okay, maybe now I could talk to him. But he says nothing and starts a conversation with one of the others and again, completely ignores me!
By that time I realised I was getting the silent treatment and got the hint. For some reason, he didn't want to talk to me. So I tried to talk to some of the others, but it was weird. It was as if I was missing something. Only one of them asked me how my trip was and all I got to say was "Oh, it was good..." before they turn away and rejoin the conversation they were all in.
Clearly I was not wanted for some reason. It completely baffled me, to tell you the truth. I have no idea what Colin could be mad at me about, but he's obviously got the others on "his side" somehow too.
And art was the most awkward class I've had in a long, long time. Me and Colin didn't speak at all. Nothing. It got me extremely depressed because I don't know what I've done wrong, and the person who was supposed to be my best friend was treating me like a piece of gum stuck to his shoe: disgusted.
I've been so blind. I write all this and it makes me want to cry. I have absolutly no idea how to fix this. I want the cool Colin back! I want to be able to laugh and joke around and skip class and do whatever again. But it seems like within a week, we've grown apart. It was all so sudden.
I have no idea why he could be mad at me, whether it was something I said or did or the fact that I went to New York. I have no fucking clue.
And it's sad because we were awesome friends for so long. But it seems like my usefulness as a confidante has worn off and he has no need for me anymore. There's nothing more to tell, so he doesn't tell me anything at all.
I remember the time when he told me he liked guys. He was so grateful that I didn't hate him and that I didn't reject him, and he said, word for word: "You're my best friend no matter what anyone says." I believed him.
And now I can't help but feel betrayed. Being betrayed by the one person you've learned to trust is... indescribable. I'm at a total loss and feel utterly helpless. Like I have no one to turn to. Sure, there's Kelly and Meghan and them, but I don't want to scare them off like Dave did by acting clingy. I feel so lonely and it hurts.
I know this is extremely emo of me, but the verses in the song "A Thousand Words" by Savage Garden describe my situation almost too vividly. The verses are in the bold writing...
We stumble in a tangled web
Decaying friendships almost dead
And hide behind a mask of lies
We twist and turn and we avoid
All hope of salvage now devoid
I see the truth inside your eyes
So take all this noise into your brain and send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin call you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud
You could resurrect a thousand words
To deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the reasons why
I don't need you anymore
Time manipulates your heart
Preconceptions torn apart
Begin to doubt my state of mind
But I won't go down on what I said
I won't retract convictions read
I may perplex, but I'm not blind
So take all this noise into your brain and send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin call you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud
You could resurrect a thousand words
To deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the reasons why
I don't need you anymore
I'll say the words out loud
I'll say a thousand words or more
Manipulation. Fabrication. Conversation. Annihilation.
I'll say a thousand words or more
Damnation. Frustration. Elevation. Procreation.
I'll say a thousand words or more
You could resurrect a thousand words
To deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the reasons why
I don't need you anymore
What a fool I've been.