Sestina: John (gen, 500 words). Happy second day of National Poetry Month!

[bironic]

I still think this could use improvement, but here it is anyway.

Title: Sestina: John
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Characters: John/team/gen
Rating: PG
Word Count: 500
Summary: John finds a home.
Spoilers: "Rising."
Disclaimer: Neither the canon nor the fanon that inspired this are mine.
A/N: I'm glad to have this finished, finally. Big thanks to

Comments

[celebriangel]

*first comment dance*

Now, I'm not entirely up on all the Sheppard backstory, but this seems pretty darn accurate. I remember that episode where they pretend went back to earth, and John looked about as comfy as a jellyfish on a porcupine.

I'm not exactly sure how a sestina works, but the form works really well and flows naturally. I want to hug this (or possibly John), but I'm making do with hugging my laptop. He does look kindof like a little lost boy at times.

[bironic]

You're not that behind just having seen one season, y'know; we hardly had any Sheppard backstory for three seasons, which was both frustrating and liberating. Most of what we know apart from the "black mark" line in the pilot comes from "Phantoms" in S3 and "Outcast" in S4. Unless I'm forgetting another one.

John looked about as comfy as a jellyfish on a porcupine.

:D What a great description.

p.s. There's a good description of the sestina form here. Basically, it's six verses with the same six end-words repeated in a certain order, and then a three-line envoi containing all six words. It's fun to work with. I did one for McKay, too, which was a blast, although you may not want to read it until you've seen "The Hive" in season two.

[celebriangel]

I tend to invent things like that description in my head, and then I say them. If I didn't self-edit, halfway through my darkfics there'd be crack *headdesk*.

I'm working my way through season 2 right now, though it's going to be suspended by my pending trip to Italy.

Quite a lot is hinted about Sheppard's past, which is cool because then you can make of it what you will, and still provide evidence :D

[bironic]

Truly, subtext is fabulous.

Have a great trip!

[roga]

I'm so glad you posted! This is gorgeous, and every single one of the changes not only works, but works well. The third verse especially - "shrieking horrors"? That's creepy. Anyway, all of it, it flows and it's John and it's poetry and that's amazing.

[bironic]

Thanks again for your invaluable assistance! The poem is the better for it. I hope the end doesn't still irk you. Aside from the structural demands, I just like the rhythm of that last phrase so much.

[roga]

Oh, no, it's great - it didn't really bother me, it was just something I noticed. And anyway, I am but one voice! The only person who really counts here is you.

[jadesfire]

Drat, meant to comment yesterday - this is so good, and I wanted to tell you so before you posted! :)

The third stanza absolutely works now, giving plot and character equally, and the structure really pulls us through. I love the sense of dislocation on earth - the sestina structure really drives that home, where it's the same words but an utterly different atmosphere. The whole thing blends plot and character, and I love the different meaning you give to "alien" and "wakes" in the last two stanzas - I love it when you play with the structure like that.

For some reason, I particlarly love the phrase "oasis on the sea"...can't figure out why, it just feels right, somehow.

Gorgeous, as ever. Brava!

[bironic]

Oh! Yay. That is a relief, coming from my best poem critiquer.

I'm very glad you think the third stanza works now; I had your voice in the back of my head during revisions, saying the transition was too jarring and the emphasis too heavy on plot we already knew, and hoped the insertion/threading of the song would help.

roga was the one who suggested "wake" in the funereal sense, so all credit to her. :)

I particlarly love the phrase "oasis on the sea"...can't figure out why, it just feels right, somehow. Neat. I put that in because I was trying to get "sea" and "city" in each stanza (and managed it, except for "city" in the next-to-last stanza; but that's okay, see, because they're not on Atlantis, and John misses the city... or something *g*), and the city as an island came to mind, and "oasis" felt right when John had just compared everyone on it to misfits seeking a haven. Looking at it now, I like that it also ties back to the desert in the previous stanza. It's really very different from anything John's had in his life before

[phinnia]

Your sestinas absolutely blow me away. Seriously.

[bironic]

Oh, what a wonderful thing to say and to hear. Thank you. ♥

[daasgrrl]

I don't have the background for this apart from the first episode, which I thought you captured perfectly, but it flows very naturally, and the themes come through loud and clear. I'm not sure what you think needs improving! :)

[bironic]

Would you like a list? *g* To many "to be"s, trying to cram too much into each line, covering too much time, writing too loosely, buying into the sentient!Atlantis cliche, rehashing what fandom's been saying about John for years, too much "feel"ing going on, clunky phrasing here and there.... Well. Maybe with time (distance) it will sit better.

But I feel bad talking about what I don't like when people are saying it's good, because then it sounds like I don't think they have good taste or something. So -- thanks for reading, and it does help that you found the themes coherent and that it reads well.

p.s. I've got Chaos now; just need to sit down and actually start reading it.

[daasgrrl]

Hee, own worst critic. Apart from the 'I hadn't noticed' of most of those, I liked that you covered a large span of time in it. Epic and all :)

And I don't know how much you know about chaos theory already, but hopefully you'll enjoy it!

[bironic]

own worst critic.

*g* Yeah, well. If you're not hard on yourself, who will be?

Everything I know about chaos theory I learned from Michael Crichton's The Lost World. And maybe a Scientific American article or two. So I've got some sketchy basics but expect to learn lots more, enjoyably.