Not where I started, but I ended up talking about Kim - Jana
I am upset and on edge for no good reason. I have not wanted anything that could even be called vaguely nutritious all day. I finally decided, rather uncharacteristically, that I wanted gefilte fish on matzo with horseradish. I knew we had some gefilte fish and horseradish in the refrigerator, so I bought matzo while I was shopping for a few odd things we need for Ryan's birthday party. I even bought a six-pack of Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat beer which I highly recommend.
The gefilte fish smelled disgusting and I have no clue why it was still in the refrigerator. I brought it to Chorus and asked Hope if she thought it was no longer fresh. She said she rarely eats it and has no idea. I went in and asked JM her opinion and she said, "If it's still in there, I wouldn't trust it." For some reason, this pushed me over the edge and I flushed it down the toilet and will not open the fresh jar from the pantry. Even the beer did not taste good to me.
To make matters worse, I have spent most of the week dealing with Kim and her doctors which requires prying Kim loose from her house and forcing her to go into Manhattan to (mostly) sit and wait. She despises this. Half of the time she cannot even recall why she is in he office. We were sitting the neurologist's office when she turned and asked me, "Why am I here again?"
"Because of your memory problems."
"Oh. Okay."
On the one hand, the conversation is completely laughable. On the other hand, it is incredibly sad that she cannot name the year, day, or date. She has been given two differing diagnoses: vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease not that it truly matters since the treatment for either one is identical to the treatment for the other.
There are moments when I feel exceedingly mean for dragging her about. I took her to the pulmonologist two weeks ago, the neurologist and the gp on Monday, and the ENT and then for a CT Scan and blood draw on Tuesday. On Wednesday, I made her go to the podiatrist. Now I want her to come up here tomorrow for Ryan's party and so that Gareth can have his annual party in the house without having to take care of her. Stephan is going to drive her to New Hampshire on Sunday and we will go up to New Hampshire on Wednesday for about 2 weeks to let her stay up there for most of July like she has done every July for the past 25 years.
She told me tonight that she just wants to be in her house, because she is "cleaning her bedroom and settling in again." (I took her up to the cabin in New Hampshire for a week last week.) I understand that, but she really is not doing much with her room. She makes the bed and calls it cleaning. Also, she smokes more when she is alone and she is alone a great deal of the time in NYC. Smoking is absolutely no good with her emphysema. She is more active and smokes less when she is with us, both of which are very good for her health both physical and mental. Still, I cannot help but feel cruel when she says she just wants to stay home. I know she will be happier once she is at the cabin, but right now, I feel like I am betraying her.
I need to go continue getting things ready for Ryan's party tomorrow. I just wish I could magically make myself feel less anxious and more helpful.
-Jana
The gefilte fish smelled disgusting and I have no clue why it was still in the refrigerator. I brought it to Chorus and asked Hope if she thought it was no longer fresh. She said she rarely eats it and has no idea. I went in and asked JM her opinion and she said, "If it's still in there, I wouldn't trust it." For some reason, this pushed me over the edge and I flushed it down the toilet and will not open the fresh jar from the pantry. Even the beer did not taste good to me.
To make matters worse, I have spent most of the week dealing with Kim and her doctors which requires prying Kim loose from her house and forcing her to go into Manhattan to (mostly) sit and wait. She despises this. Half of the time she cannot even recall why she is in he office. We were sitting the neurologist's office when she turned and asked me, "Why am I here again?"
"Because of your memory problems."
"Oh. Okay."
On the one hand, the conversation is completely laughable. On the other hand, it is incredibly sad that she cannot name the year, day, or date. She has been given two differing diagnoses: vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease not that it truly matters since the treatment for either one is identical to the treatment for the other.
There are moments when I feel exceedingly mean for dragging her about. I took her to the pulmonologist two weeks ago, the neurologist and the gp on Monday, and the ENT and then for a CT Scan and blood draw on Tuesday. On Wednesday, I made her go to the podiatrist. Now I want her to come up here tomorrow for Ryan's party and so that Gareth can have his annual party in the house without having to take care of her. Stephan is going to drive her to New Hampshire on Sunday and we will go up to New Hampshire on Wednesday for about 2 weeks to let her stay up there for most of July like she has done every July for the past 25 years.
She told me tonight that she just wants to be in her house, because she is "cleaning her bedroom and settling in again." (I took her up to the cabin in New Hampshire for a week last week.) I understand that, but she really is not doing much with her room. She makes the bed and calls it cleaning. Also, she smokes more when she is alone and she is alone a great deal of the time in NYC. Smoking is absolutely no good with her emphysema. She is more active and smokes less when she is with us, both of which are very good for her health both physical and mental. Still, I cannot help but feel cruel when she says she just wants to stay home. I know she will be happier once she is at the cabin, but right now, I feel like I am betraying her.
I need to go continue getting things ready for Ryan's party tomorrow. I just wish I could magically make myself feel less anxious and more helpful.
-Jana