What will tomorrow bring
Well, in the morning at 8:30, I have my first shrink appointment in well over a year. I wonder what they are going to say. Hopefully it will be something good. It wasn't until recently that I found out that, allbeit uncommon, you can build an immunity to Lithium, which I've been taking on and off for over 15 years. Maybe they will put me on something that will work, I just hope that it doesn't completely fuck me up in the process. At 11:00 in the morning I start my LAST semester in college with English 102. I know everything about the class, the stories, the research and I dread every bit of it. I've purposely put this class off til the last because of that. I went over half way through it when I ended up in the hospital the last time. I just hope it doesn't happen this time. I don't really know what has been going on with me lately (past 4-5 months). I've been taking my meds like I'm supposed to and I can tell that it is not working right by the way I feel day to day. I won't say that I didn't care about anything, but sometimes there were some things. Most of the time I just hated. I stayed angry with everything and everyone. It doesn't matter if it's in the worst shape possible or absolutely perfect, there was something that could upset me. I've been just generally unhappy and miserable all the time, like there was nothing that could make me happy. It shouldn't be like that. I've had the urge to spend alot of my time alone, no family, no friends, nothing. It seems like everything I say, think or so is just pointless and hopeless. My financial situation is completely screwed, I had two job interviews last week and haven't heard anything from either one, and i'm still looking. I feel like my home life is crap because I can't seem to get along with anyone. I know it's mostly my fault but I don't know how to fix it and be happy at the same time. I can't fake it like some other people can, it's just not something I'm capable of. My christmas was absolute shit. I spent the entire night with a virus that had me hugging the toilet. I couldn't be with my wife and her family so I could see the kids get their gifts. Then there is my grandmothers, where I go every christmas eve, and have since 1972; save the 4 1/2 years I was in Germany. This was the first one I have missed being within 1000 miles of her home. Another bad part about that is I haven't seen my cousin Jennifer, who I am the closest to out of all 25 grandchildren and in-laws. She's been absent since 1999 because of my self rituous over religous family refusing to show on the eve if she brought (she's gay) her girlfriend. This is the first year she she's been there and I couldn't make it. It just seems like every day that goes by I get a little worse; things get a little harder to tollerate and deal with. I can't deal with my step-kids near as good as I used to. I've gotten to the point to where I have to isolate myself when I get upset with either of them. I think I'm more scared of that not getting any better than anything else. I have an alcoholic sister that can never seem to call when she is sober. She always calls drunk, I can hardly understand her, and she is repetative. It's a constant whine that I have to listen to because there is always something wrong. She wants to complain but not take any action; but at the same time has the solutions to everyone elses problems. I don't even answer the phone any more when she calls because I know I can't deal with it. When I do talk to her, all I can think is how quick I can get her off the phone because just the sound of her voice sets me off. If I can't get some answers tomorrow I'm just not sure what I'm going to do. I can't keep going like I am, it just won't work that way. I have had to overmedicate myseld just so I could get some sleep tonight, but I know I will feel crappy in the morning. This will be the first time I've been to sleep before 5 a.m. in about 3-4 weeks. Anyone who reads this, wish me luck with my appointment, and with my school which is taking an ever growing toll on me; keeping me away from home and occupying almost all of my free time. Until next time, maybe it won't be so long. Also... apologies to those who have expected and I've not been there. Some things, even after 20 years of dealing with, I don't even understand.
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