Struggling
I've been taking topamax for my bipolar... which here in Canada because it is not FDA approved for the use as an antidepressant is not covered. I went about 3 months without it and found myself gaining weight, having no interest in pretty much anything, being extremely irritable and just depressed. Its pure agony just walking around pretending I'm happy when I'm dying inside.
I'm now finally on the medication again but... I still feel so hopeless most days, I feel so worthless and just wish I can stay in bed until I feel better again. I haven't been this manic in so long, and it feels like its hitting me so hard. My relationships (incl. friendships) seem to be dwindling and there's nothing I can do to even try and make things right. I just feel so alone.
To make things kinda worse... today is the first fathers day after my dad passed and although I did not have a close relationship with him... it felt so weird knowing I couldn't just call and say "hey happy fathers day" I had made plans so my mind would be kept busy with a new guy friend... Last sunday was the first time I slept with him and since them he's gotten very aloof and broke the plans we had today... this would make time number 2 he cancelled since Sunday .... so of course my paranoia kicks in telling me he just used me, and like all the other guys in my life.. just didn't really want me, that all he wanted was a piece of ass.
I wish I can make these thoughts go away... some are so awful, and I feel like I am so hateful towards myself. :( Anyone have any ideas how I can just... succeed more when I try hard I would appreciate it. And I'm sorry if all this makes any of you feel bad... I just really needed to get some thoughts out. Thank You for Reading :)
I'm now finally on the medication again but... I still feel so hopeless most days, I feel so worthless and just wish I can stay in bed until I feel better again. I haven't been this manic in so long, and it feels like its hitting me so hard. My relationships (incl. friendships) seem to be dwindling and there's nothing I can do to even try and make things right. I just feel so alone.
To make things kinda worse... today is the first fathers day after my dad passed and although I did not have a close relationship with him... it felt so weird knowing I couldn't just call and say "hey happy fathers day" I had made plans so my mind would be kept busy with a new guy friend... Last sunday was the first time I slept with him and since them he's gotten very aloof and broke the plans we had today... this would make time number 2 he cancelled since Sunday .... so of course my paranoia kicks in telling me he just used me, and like all the other guys in my life.. just didn't really want me, that all he wanted was a piece of ass.
I wish I can make these thoughts go away... some are so awful, and I feel like I am so hateful towards myself. :( Anyone have any ideas how I can just... succeed more when I try hard I would appreciate it. And I'm sorry if all this makes any of you feel bad... I just really needed to get some thoughts out. Thank You for Reading :)