(no subject)
Where do you draw the line between high anxiety and paranoia? Maybe that's a dumb question, I don't really know the official definition of paranoia but that's the first word that comes to mind. It's just that I've always had severe anxiety, and I've begun to feel the same high levels of anxiety, coupled with OCD like behaviors, that I remember feeling WAY back before I was diagnosed with anything other than "pop a prozac and see if that helps." (uhh yeah it definitely DID NOT HELP lol, so here I am).
FYI My meds are:
-Lamictal (generic Lamotrogine (Sp?) 300MG
-Lithium 750MG
-Clonazepam 1mg
And I used to take buspirone *45mg* but stopped that because it actually made me really jittery (overly caffeinated type feelings). Right now my biggest issue with meds are the tremors from the Lithium AND the below...return of symptoms.
I hate this. I feel like I should be stable, I worked SO hard to be stable and I'm back in this loop of freaking out over things that most others would NOT freak out about.
I had my first panic attack in a while about a week or so ago. Details aside, it was scary, and the one person I thought I could rely on to be there for me didn't even ask if I was okay. The person who did make sure I was okay got off at an earlier station on the Subway to use the bathroom and handed me their keys and asked me to pick them up. I was SO disoriented, I didn't know whereabouts we were or anything and they wanted me to PICK THEM UP. Like, drive ALONE. I didn't have the patience to argue that I couldn't. And of course I hit my low in the car...the "I'M ALL ALONE THEY LEFT ME ALL ALONE WHAT DO I DO I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHY DID THEY LEAVE ME ALONE I NEED SOMEONE" thoughts and tears. That was a scary night...and I think the beginning of what has begun to continue to transpire in less fatal doses.
Like I'm house sitting for some good friends right now. They live maybe 1 mile and 1/2 from where I live, and I have a cat of my own, so I'm swapping back and forth and it's literally ripping me apart. Like I have a lot more responsibilities at their house, but my cat is really stressed because he's alone a lot more than usual (aww how pets and their owners are so alike). So I'm worried about his health, I think I should board him because at least he'd have attention there...but that costs money. And it seems silly to have to hire a pet sitter because I'm pet sitting. Anyway, that situation aside, my freak outs include (at all hours of the day that I'm not there to monitor):
-Did I lock all the doors
-Am I CERTAIN that all the pets are inside (I've turned around from my work route to make sure of this on several occassions)
-Did the oven ~mysteriously~ turn on and is the house on fire
The latest was tonight, my two friends are staying the night and offered to just take care of the morning routine so I could go home. So I thought that's GREAT! I'll go home and spend time with my cat and sleep in my own bed, etc. But as soon as I got home I thought "I'm a terrible person, their house is my responsibility and if anything happened I would be totally responsible and I'd never forgive myself (and on and on)," so I decided to come back to the house and immediately started telling my friend "I just want to makes sure you understand that I trust you SO MUCH I just feel like I'm not doing what I'm being paid to do and if anything went wrong it'd be on my hands," and what he said was comforting and yet a bombshell, sort of, he said "It's fine...I KNOW you, I KNEW this would happen, don't worry about it."
So here I am. At least I'm HERE so I have a sense of control. I'll probably board my cat, and see if my boss will let me work remotely sometime this week...board my cat next week at the vet...
...call my pdoc and get like 3902343mg of Valium..you get the drift.
I just CANNOT STOP freaking out. If it's not one thing it's another. Let's not even get into the work situation (brand new job, performance anxiety..in short). That and I do sometimes drift into some mild depression. Like the other night some DEEP feelings of loneliness.
I was stable on meds for so long and now it's like...in a matter of 2~3 weeks my sanity is on a downward spiral. I'll definitely call my doctor tomorrow.
Thanks for reading. I know it's mostly rambles but maybe some of you can relate.
FYI My meds are:
-Lamictal (generic Lamotrogine (Sp?) 300MG
-Lithium 750MG
-Clonazepam 1mg
And I used to take buspirone *45mg* but stopped that because it actually made me really jittery (overly caffeinated type feelings). Right now my biggest issue with meds are the tremors from the Lithium AND the below...return of symptoms.
I hate this. I feel like I should be stable, I worked SO hard to be stable and I'm back in this loop of freaking out over things that most others would NOT freak out about.
I had my first panic attack in a while about a week or so ago. Details aside, it was scary, and the one person I thought I could rely on to be there for me didn't even ask if I was okay. The person who did make sure I was okay got off at an earlier station on the Subway to use the bathroom and handed me their keys and asked me to pick them up. I was SO disoriented, I didn't know whereabouts we were or anything and they wanted me to PICK THEM UP. Like, drive ALONE. I didn't have the patience to argue that I couldn't. And of course I hit my low in the car...the "I'M ALL ALONE THEY LEFT ME ALL ALONE WHAT DO I DO I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHY DID THEY LEAVE ME ALONE I NEED SOMEONE" thoughts and tears. That was a scary night...and I think the beginning of what has begun to continue to transpire in less fatal doses.
Like I'm house sitting for some good friends right now. They live maybe 1 mile and 1/2 from where I live, and I have a cat of my own, so I'm swapping back and forth and it's literally ripping me apart. Like I have a lot more responsibilities at their house, but my cat is really stressed because he's alone a lot more than usual (aww how pets and their owners are so alike). So I'm worried about his health, I think I should board him because at least he'd have attention there...but that costs money. And it seems silly to have to hire a pet sitter because I'm pet sitting. Anyway, that situation aside, my freak outs include (at all hours of the day that I'm not there to monitor):
-Did I lock all the doors
-Am I CERTAIN that all the pets are inside (I've turned around from my work route to make sure of this on several occassions)
-Did the oven ~mysteriously~ turn on and is the house on fire
The latest was tonight, my two friends are staying the night and offered to just take care of the morning routine so I could go home. So I thought that's GREAT! I'll go home and spend time with my cat and sleep in my own bed, etc. But as soon as I got home I thought "I'm a terrible person, their house is my responsibility and if anything happened I would be totally responsible and I'd never forgive myself (and on and on)," so I decided to come back to the house and immediately started telling my friend "I just want to makes sure you understand that I trust you SO MUCH I just feel like I'm not doing what I'm being paid to do and if anything went wrong it'd be on my hands," and what he said was comforting and yet a bombshell, sort of, he said "It's fine...I KNOW you, I KNEW this would happen, don't worry about it."
So here I am. At least I'm HERE so I have a sense of control. I'll probably board my cat, and see if my boss will let me work remotely sometime this week...board my cat next week at the vet...
...call my pdoc and get like 3902343mg of Valium..you get the drift.
I just CANNOT STOP freaking out. If it's not one thing it's another. Let's not even get into the work situation (brand new job, performance anxiety..in short). That and I do sometimes drift into some mild depression. Like the other night some DEEP feelings of loneliness.
I was stable on meds for so long and now it's like...in a matter of 2~3 weeks my sanity is on a downward spiral. I'll definitely call my doctor tomorrow.
Thanks for reading. I know it's mostly rambles but maybe some of you can relate.