(no subject)
I'm in a pretty bad place right now, and on the verge of a meltdown. A number of outside (and internal) forces have conspired these last few weeks to compromise my emotional well-being and opportunities. I really thought I had this licked in January when I stepped out of therapy. Now I am desperate to go back in to help me cope with these issues.
Many of my posts in this here comm have been on the positive and encouraging side, documenting my path towards overcoming this thing and beating it. Lately the tables have turned and its got the upper hand. Regardless of where I was or what I was struggling with, I have always held out hope: hope that the situation I was dealing with was only temporary and I WILL experience happiness, confidence, and contentment again.
I continue to struggle with the soul-crushing shame and embarrassment of having squandered the opportunities that were handed to me last summer. I had twenty-six thousand dollars dropped in my lap last June, and I blew it. I fucking blew it. I don't just mean I blew the money, I blew my ONE chance at building a solid foundation towards a lifetime of stability. I really thought I had matured past such things, I thought I was better than that. I promised myself multiple times I would never end up in this position again, that I would be responsible and thrifty and save. Yet here I am broke and continuing the pattern of failure. My mind is swirling with regrets and second-guessing dozens of choices I made last year; at this point it's more like fiftieth-guessing. I try and justify that, broke or not, I am where I am today because of that, with other opportunities before me. But I ain't buying it. I fucked up so hardcore I don't think there's any recovering from this. I was already struggling with feelings of a lifetime of failure before the inheritance, and how I conducted myself afterward seems to have proven it.
Many of my posts in this here comm have been on the positive and encouraging side, documenting my path towards overcoming this thing and beating it. Lately the tables have turned and its got the upper hand. Regardless of where I was or what I was struggling with, I have always held out hope: hope that the situation I was dealing with was only temporary and I WILL experience happiness, confidence, and contentment again.
I continue to struggle with the soul-crushing shame and embarrassment of having squandered the opportunities that were handed to me last summer. I had twenty-six thousand dollars dropped in my lap last June, and I blew it. I fucking blew it. I don't just mean I blew the money, I blew my ONE chance at building a solid foundation towards a lifetime of stability. I really thought I had matured past such things, I thought I was better than that. I promised myself multiple times I would never end up in this position again, that I would be responsible and thrifty and save. Yet here I am broke and continuing the pattern of failure. My mind is swirling with regrets and second-guessing dozens of choices I made last year; at this point it's more like fiftieth-guessing. I try and justify that, broke or not, I am where I am today because of that, with other opportunities before me. But I ain't buying it. I fucked up so hardcore I don't think there's any recovering from this. I was already struggling with feelings of a lifetime of failure before the inheritance, and how I conducted myself afterward seems to have proven it.