spiralling into depression again
So my grandfather was hit by a car on Wednesday and suffered such extreme injuries that he slipped into a coma and finally passed on Saturday morning. I wasnt particularly close with him and hadnt seen him in years, but this hit me really hard. That someone can die just by crossing the street (in a crosswalk, by the way) has really got me paranoid and simmering just below panic. It has also triggered me right into a depression.
the depression keeps getting worse and worse and worse as the days go on. i am afraid that it is going the way the last depression went, which was 6 months of pure hell. it has me running at full anxiety levels, and one thing can push me into a total panic attack. Luckily that hasnt happened yet but i can feel it coming.
i am constantly worrying that i am going to hit someone, or my kids are going to get hit by a car, or i am going to get hit, or my mom, really anyone i know. I want to stay in my house and curl up in a ball where it is safe and no one can get me. However, i have my daughter with me all week due to school vacation and i cant indulge my depressive behavior, so i have to shut it off and pretend that i am fine. which makes it all the more difficult.
and i have recently been rx adderall for my ADHD, so i couldnt sleep or relax if i wanted to. if i dont take it my mind gets so muddled and dull that i cant even function. at least it keeps my mind active and somewhat sharp.
i have seen my therapist three times since this has happened. she is such a help to me, i dont know how i would deal if it werent for her.
i have to say, the depressive part of bipolar is the absolute worst. i can handle the mania and the resultant bounciness and energy (the anger i could do without though) but the depression really kicks my ass. with 2 small kids (4 and 2) it is much easier to be manic with them than depressed.
i hope i can pull out of this soon. i dont want the hallucinations and paranoid delusions to come back. i worked so hard to get out of the last one, it depresses me even more that i seem to be going backwards.
the depression keeps getting worse and worse and worse as the days go on. i am afraid that it is going the way the last depression went, which was 6 months of pure hell. it has me running at full anxiety levels, and one thing can push me into a total panic attack. Luckily that hasnt happened yet but i can feel it coming.
i am constantly worrying that i am going to hit someone, or my kids are going to get hit by a car, or i am going to get hit, or my mom, really anyone i know. I want to stay in my house and curl up in a ball where it is safe and no one can get me. However, i have my daughter with me all week due to school vacation and i cant indulge my depressive behavior, so i have to shut it off and pretend that i am fine. which makes it all the more difficult.
and i have recently been rx adderall for my ADHD, so i couldnt sleep or relax if i wanted to. if i dont take it my mind gets so muddled and dull that i cant even function. at least it keeps my mind active and somewhat sharp.
i have seen my therapist three times since this has happened. she is such a help to me, i dont know how i would deal if it werent for her.
i have to say, the depressive part of bipolar is the absolute worst. i can handle the mania and the resultant bounciness and energy (the anger i could do without though) but the depression really kicks my ass. with 2 small kids (4 and 2) it is much easier to be manic with them than depressed.
i hope i can pull out of this soon. i dont want the hallucinations and paranoid delusions to come back. i worked so hard to get out of the last one, it depresses me even more that i seem to be going backwards.