Living with a mental illness
It has been a long journey of recovery for me since I first fell into such a big hole, oh, about five years ago now.
It has also been an interesting one. I think I have come out of it at this point understanding myself a little better and certainly managing my life much better.
I've learnt that unlike physical illnesses, much less is understood about mental illness. It's also a less clearly defined thing. For instance, if you have a cold, you have a cold. If you have a broken leg, you have a broken leg. A broken leg doesn't usually come with a bit of acne and a touch of liver issues and maybe some hearing loss as well. It's quite singular in the area affected, and often in the cause as well.
Mental illness is not nearly so easily diagnosed, nor so isolated in how it affects me - and in my observations, many others as well.
In my example, I was initially diagnosed as Bipolar Type II. Neat and simple.
Errr...no.
I also have more than a touch of Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD) due to childhood traumas.
Then you add the substance sensitivity. I've known since I was a teenager that I'm sensitive to some chemicals in things like soap, dishwashing liquid, shampoos and clothes washing detergents, as well as moisturisers and even some types of make-up. The wrong eye-shadow will make my eyes puff up like plums, for example.
It was only decades later that understanding dawned that I wasn't just sensitive to what went on the outside of me, but also to what went into the inside of me. Pethidine, Codeine, all the morphine-based pain killers, Valium and any of its related drug family, hormone treatments (either for fertility or contraception) and even a type of antibiotic - all are on the forbidden list.
No, I don't come out in a rash from them, so they aren't a classic 'allergy'. But I promise you if I take any of those things my reaction will vary from gradual deepening of depression, to full blown bipolar episode.
It helps that we are slowly isolating things that trigger it. It's better when I know what to avoid, although I am still discovering new triggers as I go along, such as the antibiotic. I think too as I age I become less tolerant to some things. For instance, I used to be able to take Codeine, but I can't now.
But as complicated as it all sounds, the news isn't all bad. When I was first diagnosed I was put on all the classic bipolar drugs - anti-depressant, a mood stabliser and an anti-psychotic. Now, understanding of my disorder, some good hypnotherapy work and good day to day management of my life means I get by on a mild antidepressant.
And not only do I get by, but I think I am doing well on it.
I've noticed I seem to have built up my resilience again. Sure, things will happen and knock me for six, but I bounce back pretty quickly now. Something that would have destabilised me for six months a few years ago might upset me for a few days now. It WILL still upset me, though. And I do still feel things with the typical intensity of a bipolar person, but the reaction doesn't grab hold of me and overwhelm me for months on end like it used to.
So, I think it's pretty neat that I still get to keep the passion in my life, the intensity of what I feel, but I am no longer held to ransome by it. With so many others with mental illness the medications they have to take irons out all the feeling in their life. It is no wonder many are so non-compliant when it comes to taking their meds.
Still, with time, understanding of one's disorder, with careful treatment of past issues which often complicates depression and BPD, and the right meds, and a sensible attitude, a good quality of life can be regained.
So, while just being me may sound like a complicated thing, that doesn't have to mean it's a bad thing. I may not be 'normal' or like everyone else but I like my life now. Like in the old western movies, I've slowly brought the bolting horses of my mental health under control. Sure they may have taken me miles from where I had intended to go, but you know, the scenery here is pretty good anyway.
Even with a mental illness, life can still be pretty sweet.
Red.
It has also been an interesting one. I think I have come out of it at this point understanding myself a little better and certainly managing my life much better.
I've learnt that unlike physical illnesses, much less is understood about mental illness. It's also a less clearly defined thing. For instance, if you have a cold, you have a cold. If you have a broken leg, you have a broken leg. A broken leg doesn't usually come with a bit of acne and a touch of liver issues and maybe some hearing loss as well. It's quite singular in the area affected, and often in the cause as well.
Mental illness is not nearly so easily diagnosed, nor so isolated in how it affects me - and in my observations, many others as well.
In my example, I was initially diagnosed as Bipolar Type II. Neat and simple.
Errr...no.
I also have more than a touch of Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD) due to childhood traumas.
Then you add the substance sensitivity. I've known since I was a teenager that I'm sensitive to some chemicals in things like soap, dishwashing liquid, shampoos and clothes washing detergents, as well as moisturisers and even some types of make-up. The wrong eye-shadow will make my eyes puff up like plums, for example.
It was only decades later that understanding dawned that I wasn't just sensitive to what went on the outside of me, but also to what went into the inside of me. Pethidine, Codeine, all the morphine-based pain killers, Valium and any of its related drug family, hormone treatments (either for fertility or contraception) and even a type of antibiotic - all are on the forbidden list.
No, I don't come out in a rash from them, so they aren't a classic 'allergy'. But I promise you if I take any of those things my reaction will vary from gradual deepening of depression, to full blown bipolar episode.
It helps that we are slowly isolating things that trigger it. It's better when I know what to avoid, although I am still discovering new triggers as I go along, such as the antibiotic. I think too as I age I become less tolerant to some things. For instance, I used to be able to take Codeine, but I can't now.
But as complicated as it all sounds, the news isn't all bad. When I was first diagnosed I was put on all the classic bipolar drugs - anti-depressant, a mood stabliser and an anti-psychotic. Now, understanding of my disorder, some good hypnotherapy work and good day to day management of my life means I get by on a mild antidepressant.
And not only do I get by, but I think I am doing well on it.
I've noticed I seem to have built up my resilience again. Sure, things will happen and knock me for six, but I bounce back pretty quickly now. Something that would have destabilised me for six months a few years ago might upset me for a few days now. It WILL still upset me, though. And I do still feel things with the typical intensity of a bipolar person, but the reaction doesn't grab hold of me and overwhelm me for months on end like it used to.
So, I think it's pretty neat that I still get to keep the passion in my life, the intensity of what I feel, but I am no longer held to ransome by it. With so many others with mental illness the medications they have to take irons out all the feeling in their life. It is no wonder many are so non-compliant when it comes to taking their meds.
Still, with time, understanding of one's disorder, with careful treatment of past issues which often complicates depression and BPD, and the right meds, and a sensible attitude, a good quality of life can be regained.
So, while just being me may sound like a complicated thing, that doesn't have to mean it's a bad thing. I may not be 'normal' or like everyone else but I like my life now. Like in the old western movies, I've slowly brought the bolting horses of my mental health under control. Sure they may have taken me miles from where I had intended to go, but you know, the scenery here is pretty good anyway.
Even with a mental illness, life can still be pretty sweet.
Red.