(no subject)
has anyone else had experience with your parents just not believing there's anything wrong?
i'm undiagnosed, but i swear to god if it turns out i'm not bipolar i'll either die of shock, or kill myself, because it'd mean i'm an absolute mess of a person for absolutely no reason and there is no hope of ever being a fully operational human being.
i think my worst fear is that i really am just a dramatic, selfish, stupid little teenager. but i can't help but think there's more to it. my sister lives in the room next to mine and she is so completely different from me... every teenager i know is completely different. except one of my best friends, who has BPD, and another friend, who is bipolar but mostly manic. i know they've been there.
today i have (i put it in white, highlight to see it) cut myself so deep i had to hold tissues over the cuts to keep the blood from getting everywhere, banged my head against my already banged-up mirror repeatedly so that there's glass all over my floor, had the cops come to the house, and had an anxiety attack when no one was home and screamed at the top of my lungs over and over. those are just some of the bigger things which have happened today.
and yet my mom, who has gone back and forth between being understanding and supportive to thinking i'm completely full of it, today told me that i'm making all of this up because i enjoy it. that it's just something i read about on the internet and decided i'd have. that i am choosing to be this way.
i've been suicidal since middle school, at the oldest. i first hurt myself in fifth grade. i've had anxiety attacks since i was old enough to run. i go days without eating or sleeping, writing poetry and laughing hysterically while swinging my legs off the kitchen counter like mad... and then the next week i can't get out of bed and i call every person i see every horrible name i can come up with and cut myself and flip out if anyone touches me. one second we're laughing and joking, and the next i'm screaming at you not to ever fucking touch me again. and it's been this way my whole life. i don't see how she can deny it.
i've given up on trying to talk to her about it, because it's like everything i say is in spanish and she only understands a few of the words but completely misses the overall meaning.
this is an actual part of a conversation we had today.
Me: I need to see a doctor.
My Mom: No! You're crazy!
Me: exactly.
she doesn't even see the contradiction.
she tells me i'm crazy/insane all the time but doesn't actually consider the possibility that i might be really mentally ill and that we should do something about it. it's so frustrating. i know that part of the nature of the thing is that it's almost impossible to understand unless it's happening to you. but i still keep trying to connect, and it just causes more trouble...