a monstrous immensity of ritualized pain-taking
is just silly.
i've decided.
and unnecessary.
but i continue, literally dividing time, dividing my very decisions into parallel universes: i decided to logon to this site, i decided i was quite nauseated by that rosy mauve, the too-much pink, everywhere, and decided to change it, to a "melon" or what's called that anyway. THEN, having BEEN satifsifed with my choice, the nice new clean-ly look of the hues now surrounding my trash barrel (the dreamy, abstracted, clean and airy trahs barrel, all by its blissful lonesome), i was still SO unsatisified with how painless it had been; for teh pain was precisely the point. the whole recurring-ness of it, it was SUPPOED to satisfy my little need for circles, and REdoing what i've already done, like my grandmother REwiping the countertops in her little "melon" (i'd call it more lemon?) colored kitchen. !! so i went 'shopping'- and be it known, i hate shopping- looking at all those lj motifs i'd seen before...
luckily i stopped, before it got too obscene. to congratulate myself for the parallel universe in which i exercised restraint and stopped at teh 'lemon' motif. and then to write this. don't know how much 'time'- in teh qunatitive sense- it took, but...here it goes, there it went. as always, i suppose.
today i'm doing this and it's only 824. ONLY 824, so far; let's get started yay. OR... is it really, shit-i'm-fucked it's 8:24? am i the arbiter of this? need i be? (does ANYBODY , EVER really know what time it is?...) or do i just delight in the pain? in the self-constraint of it, the constraint of being THIS ridiculous? (hahaha and people think they know me and my "unrestrained" self...) i've hemmed myself in so badly, someimes it seems; but sometimes (unlike most?) i can still see right through the bars of my cage.
i tell myself- constantly, confiding in lj especially...- that i'm just so sick of sitting on it. ALL this... my thesis.,.. my ideas... my music whatever the FUCK that is without yet being..... and that i'm gonna implode (or explode) in self-induced self-retention. i say if it goes much longer they'll find me in an asylum somewhere... just singing and talking and writing nonsense with my brain throoughly puttified.
(is it any wonder raluca says my lj would lead a stranger- astray?- into believing i'm a "little" crazy? hahahaha. but like i said i see through it, am honest- but can hide it sometimes- and most of all i laugh. even though lately i'm sick of fuckin laughing all the time.... but see no otehr way.)
i've decided.
and unnecessary.
but i continue, literally dividing time, dividing my very decisions into parallel universes: i decided to logon to this site, i decided i was quite nauseated by that rosy mauve, the too-much pink, everywhere, and decided to change it, to a "melon" or what's called that anyway. THEN, having BEEN satifsifed with my choice, the nice new clean-ly look of the hues now surrounding my trash barrel (the dreamy, abstracted, clean and airy trahs barrel, all by its blissful lonesome), i was still SO unsatisified with how painless it had been; for teh pain was precisely the point. the whole recurring-ness of it, it was SUPPOED to satisfy my little need for circles, and REdoing what i've already done, like my grandmother REwiping the countertops in her little "melon" (i'd call it more lemon?) colored kitchen. !! so i went 'shopping'- and be it known, i hate shopping- looking at all those lj motifs i'd seen before...
luckily i stopped, before it got too obscene. to congratulate myself for the parallel universe in which i exercised restraint and stopped at teh 'lemon' motif. and then to write this. don't know how much 'time'- in teh qunatitive sense- it took, but...here it goes, there it went. as always, i suppose.
today i'm doing this and it's only 824. ONLY 824, so far; let's get started yay. OR... is it really, shit-i'm-fucked it's 8:24? am i the arbiter of this? need i be? (does ANYBODY , EVER really know what time it is?...) or do i just delight in the pain? in the self-constraint of it, the constraint of being THIS ridiculous? (hahaha and people think they know me and my "unrestrained" self...) i've hemmed myself in so badly, someimes it seems; but sometimes (unlike most?) i can still see right through the bars of my cage.
i tell myself- constantly, confiding in lj especially...- that i'm just so sick of sitting on it. ALL this... my thesis.,.. my ideas... my music whatever the FUCK that is without yet being..... and that i'm gonna implode (or explode) in self-induced self-retention. i say if it goes much longer they'll find me in an asylum somewhere... just singing and talking and writing nonsense with my brain throoughly puttified.
(is it any wonder raluca says my lj would lead a stranger- astray?- into believing i'm a "little" crazy? hahahaha. but like i said i see through it, am honest- but can hide it sometimes- and most of all i laugh. even though lately i'm sick of fuckin laughing all the time.... but see no otehr way.)