(no subject)
It's been more than a year, I think I'm about due for an update. meaning: hello Brandy! (Maybe?) I'm rather tired of seeing the 'here are your most recent 0 friends' journal entries' quote at the top of my home page, and now I'm doing something about it (I friended myself, so the logic works) at last!
I'd say alot has happened, but I'd be lying. I'll give a (probably somewhat inaccurate) chronological list of the highlights.
at some point in late june or early july of '08, I got hired by walgreen's on state street. I worked in the photo department. Since photo techs are dealing with machines that grind and gnash, and lots of nasty chemicals that burn and poison, they assumed that anyone who ended up qualifying for it had to have at least half a brain, and consequently I got payed a whole dollar over minimum wage, which was a dollar more than anyone who wasn't in photo made. It was tolerable but exceedingly boring and depressing. Complete waste of the summer months. I worked there for about 6 months before I forgot to come in a few times and got canned.
While I was still working in there, in august of 08, my parents and I went back to Canandaigua, the place I was born. It was really neat to see it all again, and to see how accurate my memories of the place were. Surprisingly, they were usually dead on, even though I moved to Watertown at age 3. The shrubs my dad had planted before we moved, which were little arbor vitaes, are about twenty feet high now. Hundreds of photos taken. A pile of bricks I had played on as a baby were still there, in the middle of an old farm field.
I got fired two days before christmas '08, which was awesome as far as I was concerned, because some asshole had slated me to work all day the 25th. I decided that since I had started taking fluoxetine in august, and wasn't having to devote as much emotional energy to preserving my sanity as I'd had to for the previous year and some, I'd attempt to return to school and actually get some worthwhile grades, So I didn't try to find a new job.
Well to make a long and boring story shorter, I failed just as miserably as I ever had (although this time, thankfully, I had the presence of mind to withdraw from classes) and fell into an almighty k-hole of a depressive episode to boot. I think I recorded in one of my previous posts the uplifting revelation I experienced on my front porch a couple years back? I'm pretty sure I did. Well, that experience and its aftereffects somewhat limited my tribulations; what otherwise would have been a traumatic stretch of time was simply an unpleasant and drawn-out battle against complete apathy. But at last, as all things do, it came to an end, and I was left feeling a bit brittle, but otherwise more or less myself.
That was probably eight or nine months ago, I can't keep track of the time. I've been working for my mother ever since, both as an assistant with the kids and as a general maintenance-mongrel. It's actually been quite pleasant. Her business has really taken off in the last year; she now has three assistants in addition to myself, two of them registered nurses, and she has nearly thirty children enrolled. She recently rented the apartment next door to us so that she could have a place to relax away from her daily grind, she'll be living there as soon as the renovations are completed. One of the assistants will likely be moving in to take over for mom completely, so that she can finally enjoy an odd sort of semi-retirement, which she richly deserves.
As of now, I have absolutely no plans for any sort of future. To look more than a couple days ahead is beyond me at present. I've been living as deeply in the moment as I can, fending off the demons minute by minute while I rally what strength I have and attempt to recapture my former trust in life. I feel like there's some sort of metamorphosis going on, like I'm resting in my cocoon, wondering when it will crack, what will come out. I get glimpses. There's something indefinably sacred in suffering. Occasionally I feel like the weight of the world has pressed all the pain out of me. At those times all there is inside me is peace. And then I'm back to normal, for a little while, with all the vague unease and shapeless grief which that implies.
I have my doubts as to whether anyone I know still subscribes to livejournal. If so, I hope you all are well, and that you will forgive me for the dryness of the above post in the knowledge that it was written mainly for my own sake and not for yours. It's sometimes good to see yourself in writing, it helps to calm the cloud of thoughts and filter out the essential points. I assure any readers that my next post will be much more entertaining.
I'd say alot has happened, but I'd be lying. I'll give a (probably somewhat inaccurate) chronological list of the highlights.
at some point in late june or early july of '08, I got hired by walgreen's on state street. I worked in the photo department. Since photo techs are dealing with machines that grind and gnash, and lots of nasty chemicals that burn and poison, they assumed that anyone who ended up qualifying for it had to have at least half a brain, and consequently I got payed a whole dollar over minimum wage, which was a dollar more than anyone who wasn't in photo made. It was tolerable but exceedingly boring and depressing. Complete waste of the summer months. I worked there for about 6 months before I forgot to come in a few times and got canned.
While I was still working in there, in august of 08, my parents and I went back to Canandaigua, the place I was born. It was really neat to see it all again, and to see how accurate my memories of the place were. Surprisingly, they were usually dead on, even though I moved to Watertown at age 3. The shrubs my dad had planted before we moved, which were little arbor vitaes, are about twenty feet high now. Hundreds of photos taken. A pile of bricks I had played on as a baby were still there, in the middle of an old farm field.
I got fired two days before christmas '08, which was awesome as far as I was concerned, because some asshole had slated me to work all day the 25th. I decided that since I had started taking fluoxetine in august, and wasn't having to devote as much emotional energy to preserving my sanity as I'd had to for the previous year and some, I'd attempt to return to school and actually get some worthwhile grades, So I didn't try to find a new job.
Well to make a long and boring story shorter, I failed just as miserably as I ever had (although this time, thankfully, I had the presence of mind to withdraw from classes) and fell into an almighty k-hole of a depressive episode to boot. I think I recorded in one of my previous posts the uplifting revelation I experienced on my front porch a couple years back? I'm pretty sure I did. Well, that experience and its aftereffects somewhat limited my tribulations; what otherwise would have been a traumatic stretch of time was simply an unpleasant and drawn-out battle against complete apathy. But at last, as all things do, it came to an end, and I was left feeling a bit brittle, but otherwise more or less myself.
That was probably eight or nine months ago, I can't keep track of the time. I've been working for my mother ever since, both as an assistant with the kids and as a general maintenance-mongrel. It's actually been quite pleasant. Her business has really taken off in the last year; she now has three assistants in addition to myself, two of them registered nurses, and she has nearly thirty children enrolled. She recently rented the apartment next door to us so that she could have a place to relax away from her daily grind, she'll be living there as soon as the renovations are completed. One of the assistants will likely be moving in to take over for mom completely, so that she can finally enjoy an odd sort of semi-retirement, which she richly deserves.
As of now, I have absolutely no plans for any sort of future. To look more than a couple days ahead is beyond me at present. I've been living as deeply in the moment as I can, fending off the demons minute by minute while I rally what strength I have and attempt to recapture my former trust in life. I feel like there's some sort of metamorphosis going on, like I'm resting in my cocoon, wondering when it will crack, what will come out. I get glimpses. There's something indefinably sacred in suffering. Occasionally I feel like the weight of the world has pressed all the pain out of me. At those times all there is inside me is peace. And then I'm back to normal, for a little while, with all the vague unease and shapeless grief which that implies.
I have my doubts as to whether anyone I know still subscribes to livejournal. If so, I hope you all are well, and that you will forgive me for the dryness of the above post in the knowledge that it was written mainly for my own sake and not for yours. It's sometimes good to see yourself in writing, it helps to calm the cloud of thoughts and filter out the essential points. I assure any readers that my next post will be much more entertaining.