I give women orgasms.
Saturday was a blast. There were about 70 people in the crowd and I spent a good 5 minutes telling them how great I am at having sex with women. Here's how it happened.
Mitch was on stage telling his joke about homophobia. In the middle of it he talks about how he overcame it by working as a waiter and through comedy. "Your host tonight, Bill. Very good friend. Very, very gay." He does this whenever we end up working together. It's all in good fun but I thought it would be funny to act really offended by the remark when I brought him off by explaining how much I love sex with women and make it sound like I've never touched a woman in my life.
"Hey! Keep it going for Mitch Hansen, everybody! Yeah! Before we bring up your next act, I should address the comment Mitch made about me being gay. I... love... having sex with women. I do. I just love grabbing boobs and, you know, fucking chicks all the time. I'm really good at it, too. You're just going to have to take my word for it unless you want to find out yourselves, ladies.
As for Mitch. Mitch loves doing butts with other guys. He's a pillow-biter. If you don't know what that means, it means Mitch bites his pillow while guys are doing butts with him."
The audience laughed. A good time was had by all. After Blanchard's set I have to change the microphone because the wireless was cutting out (why does every one nighter insist on wireless mics?). I decided this was an opportune time to keep the gag running.
"Hey. We're changing mics here and to make sure this new one works correctly I'm going to keep talking about how good I am at having sex.
I... give women orgasms. A lot. Like, every time. And every time I do that they're like 'thank you!' and I'm like (shrugs)'well, you know' because it's not a big deal for me. It's just something I'm naturally good at."
While I'm on stage, a female audience member walks by Mitch in the back of the room. He points to me and says "You know, he's never even had sex before."
She says "That wouldn't surprise me. That wouldn't surprise me at all."
The high point of the night is when we were out at a bar across the street later that night with some of the audience and she kept telling me how it's OK to be a virgin with reassuring and at the same time condescending phrases like "My husband was a virgin when we got married" and "You'll find the right person someday."
I'm saving myself.
Mitch was on stage telling his joke about homophobia. In the middle of it he talks about how he overcame it by working as a waiter and through comedy. "Your host tonight, Bill. Very good friend. Very, very gay." He does this whenever we end up working together. It's all in good fun but I thought it would be funny to act really offended by the remark when I brought him off by explaining how much I love sex with women and make it sound like I've never touched a woman in my life.
"Hey! Keep it going for Mitch Hansen, everybody! Yeah! Before we bring up your next act, I should address the comment Mitch made about me being gay. I... love... having sex with women. I do. I just love grabbing boobs and, you know, fucking chicks all the time. I'm really good at it, too. You're just going to have to take my word for it unless you want to find out yourselves, ladies.
As for Mitch. Mitch loves doing butts with other guys. He's a pillow-biter. If you don't know what that means, it means Mitch bites his pillow while guys are doing butts with him."
The audience laughed. A good time was had by all. After Blanchard's set I have to change the microphone because the wireless was cutting out (why does every one nighter insist on wireless mics?). I decided this was an opportune time to keep the gag running.
"Hey. We're changing mics here and to make sure this new one works correctly I'm going to keep talking about how good I am at having sex.
I... give women orgasms. A lot. Like, every time. And every time I do that they're like 'thank you!' and I'm like (shrugs)'well, you know' because it's not a big deal for me. It's just something I'm naturally good at."
While I'm on stage, a female audience member walks by Mitch in the back of the room. He points to me and says "You know, he's never even had sex before."
She says "That wouldn't surprise me. That wouldn't surprise me at all."
The high point of the night is when we were out at a bar across the street later that night with some of the audience and she kept telling me how it's OK to be a virgin with reassuring and at the same time condescending phrases like "My husband was a virgin when we got married" and "You'll find the right person someday."
I'm saving myself.