20/20 Hindsight
I have had a day of unexpectedness. For the better and the worse.
I got a text last night from Matt 2.0 that he had openings all day at work and needed to pull in some customers. So there I was at ten this morning getting a facial. As gay as it sounds, it was extremely relaxing and just what I needed to bring back some of the goodness I felt earlier in the week. Not to mention one actually does look good when a person digs the shit out of their pours.
He had nothing to do for two hours so we went to breakfast at Melrose and caught up on the past two months. We worked out a potential arrangement where I'd sell him my old 20 gig iPod if I end up going out and buying a new 80 giger. I have an itchy trigger finger about getting one of those. Who has the money? I like to pretend I do.
I got home and decided to plug my iPod into my newly updated iTunes 7.0. An utter nightmare. It made me lose faith in the reliability of Apple. iTunes wouldn't recognize my Nano. I repaired, reloaded, kicked, screamed... eventually, I had to stop and start the iPod service about ten times, and after that all failed, I reformatted the iPod through Windows and was able to run a restore, which it previously hadn't let me at all. I can only imagine the nightmare it'll be to do this for my other pod.
Now I am debating a trip to Target, though I feel like I've already spent too much money this weekend. I wouldn't mind a drink later, though staying in and relaxing could be just as nice. Who knows. I am trying to block all thoughts of work from my mind. It's seeping in like poison.
So, the past 24 hours I have been having very therapy-esque thoughts.. i.e. the kinda things I'd bring up in session and discuss with my Special Feelings Doctor. Basically, I am doing a lot of reviewing of 2006 to date. Thinking about the cave I was in for a while, my utter collapse, and my rise from the ashes like a Phoenix.... well, maybe not as glorious. More of a puttering ascent. Or like Dracula coming out of the coffin. There is upward motion here, I swear it.
I remember way back when, how utterly alone I felt. Even as I did have people around me, I felt completely worthless. Without any redeeming value or anything worth offering to anyone. My interest in anything was fleeting. I was like a zombie. Now, when I hear a song from back in that time period it's like hearing it for the first time and actually enjoying it. I am happy to be here again is the basic sense I have. For a while, I really didn't see any point to existing at all. I really didn't want to.
I think of all the people I have met since then. All the lives I have come across. I really enjoy the diversity of my friends. Truly. I know so many different kinds of people and it fascinates me on what level I connect with all these different sorts. I know kinds from the entire spectrum and we all share things on different levels. There was a time when I would have been like "why does this person even like me... what do I offer this person" but lately when I converse and communicate I see how I connect with each of them.
Yes, maybe I am not best friends with everyone I am in contact with. Maybe we don't see each other every week or don't exchange emails everyday. But, how good it feels to catch up when we do. And I know people now that do so many interesting, different things. People who are funny or artistic or book-smart. Maybe I just didn't pay attention before. I am sure of it... I *didn't* pay attention before. I probably still don't as much as I could.
I am certain my mind is still in a state of repair. One of the things I was told about my breakdown was how my brain really did have a sort of burnout. And that it would take a while for the repairs to take place. It wouldn't be an overnight thing. But, look at it... it's six months later and I finally feel more like myself than I ever did. And I am changing... which feel so incredible. When you stick yourself in a world of monotony for so long, even the smallest changes feel like crossing the Hindu Kush. Though being over-joyed with a sink of clean dishes might not be solving world hunger, but there was a time those things would sit in there for three weeks while I sat on the couch in a dirty pair of underwear trying to understand why I *should* get up the next day.
I feel good. I really feel good. Everything that has happened all happened for a reason. I am content for the most part with how things have gone. Yes, there is that elephant in the room. But, it's still teaching me positive things and helping me become a changed man... so even as it has negative effects on me, it is also having positive ones. I can't stay exactly the same anymore... no one should... I might not even become something completely different but I will become something else.
I got a text last night from Matt 2.0 that he had openings all day at work and needed to pull in some customers. So there I was at ten this morning getting a facial. As gay as it sounds, it was extremely relaxing and just what I needed to bring back some of the goodness I felt earlier in the week. Not to mention one actually does look good when a person digs the shit out of their pours.
He had nothing to do for two hours so we went to breakfast at Melrose and caught up on the past two months. We worked out a potential arrangement where I'd sell him my old 20 gig iPod if I end up going out and buying a new 80 giger. I have an itchy trigger finger about getting one of those. Who has the money? I like to pretend I do.
I got home and decided to plug my iPod into my newly updated iTunes 7.0. An utter nightmare. It made me lose faith in the reliability of Apple. iTunes wouldn't recognize my Nano. I repaired, reloaded, kicked, screamed... eventually, I had to stop and start the iPod service about ten times, and after that all failed, I reformatted the iPod through Windows and was able to run a restore, which it previously hadn't let me at all. I can only imagine the nightmare it'll be to do this for my other pod.
Now I am debating a trip to Target, though I feel like I've already spent too much money this weekend. I wouldn't mind a drink later, though staying in and relaxing could be just as nice. Who knows. I am trying to block all thoughts of work from my mind. It's seeping in like poison.
So, the past 24 hours I have been having very therapy-esque thoughts.. i.e. the kinda things I'd bring up in session and discuss with my Special Feelings Doctor. Basically, I am doing a lot of reviewing of 2006 to date. Thinking about the cave I was in for a while, my utter collapse, and my rise from the ashes like a Phoenix.... well, maybe not as glorious. More of a puttering ascent. Or like Dracula coming out of the coffin. There is upward motion here, I swear it.
I remember way back when, how utterly alone I felt. Even as I did have people around me, I felt completely worthless. Without any redeeming value or anything worth offering to anyone. My interest in anything was fleeting. I was like a zombie. Now, when I hear a song from back in that time period it's like hearing it for the first time and actually enjoying it. I am happy to be here again is the basic sense I have. For a while, I really didn't see any point to existing at all. I really didn't want to.
I think of all the people I have met since then. All the lives I have come across. I really enjoy the diversity of my friends. Truly. I know so many different kinds of people and it fascinates me on what level I connect with all these different sorts. I know kinds from the entire spectrum and we all share things on different levels. There was a time when I would have been like "why does this person even like me... what do I offer this person" but lately when I converse and communicate I see how I connect with each of them.
Yes, maybe I am not best friends with everyone I am in contact with. Maybe we don't see each other every week or don't exchange emails everyday. But, how good it feels to catch up when we do. And I know people now that do so many interesting, different things. People who are funny or artistic or book-smart. Maybe I just didn't pay attention before. I am sure of it... I *didn't* pay attention before. I probably still don't as much as I could.
I am certain my mind is still in a state of repair. One of the things I was told about my breakdown was how my brain really did have a sort of burnout. And that it would take a while for the repairs to take place. It wouldn't be an overnight thing. But, look at it... it's six months later and I finally feel more like myself than I ever did. And I am changing... which feel so incredible. When you stick yourself in a world of monotony for so long, even the smallest changes feel like crossing the Hindu Kush. Though being over-joyed with a sink of clean dishes might not be solving world hunger, but there was a time those things would sit in there for three weeks while I sat on the couch in a dirty pair of underwear trying to understand why I *should* get up the next day.
I feel good. I really feel good. Everything that has happened all happened for a reason. I am content for the most part with how things have gone. Yes, there is that elephant in the room. But, it's still teaching me positive things and helping me become a changed man... so even as it has negative effects on me, it is also having positive ones. I can't stay exactly the same anymore... no one should... I might not even become something completely different but I will become something else.