I'll Not Be Home For Christmas
Just a few short thoughts before starting this day.
I resent having to leave the house before the sun has even risen to go to my mother's house, to be around the very person stirring much of this resentment. I ask myself, when do *we* (my partner and I) get to have our own traditions? When do *we* get to stay home and relax on a holiday and let people come to us? Or simply relax and wait to do what we want to do when we are ready to do it, not on a timetable of appeasement, making sure my family is placated? Which they won't be. The fact we are going to my mother's and then departing by 11 AM is going to be a problem. That problem may not be outwardly stated, but she will hang onto this until she dies.
And much like she did with my father, these moments and memories will be brought out as weapons later. She did just that when she weakly and pathetically tried to say that I'd seen the Doctor more in 2024 than her last month.
What the fuck business is it of hers if I have? I am not beholden to her.
A year ago today we were dreading having to see my sister. I feel I am much more settled in my mind over her. Now my mother is front and center. I never would have predicted this. But, I was naive. All the pieces were there. The history was there. The trauma was there. It was just waiting for me to put the puzzle pieces together.
Christmas was always uncomfortable, the past two years have been downright miserable. I want to enjoy this time of year. Usually work is the thing affecting it and poisoning it. They certainly tried this week. And yet, the true masters of misery are the ones I am related to.
I will talk more later about this, but I really have felt like I was growing the past decade or so. Especially the last few years. I feel as if my family is dragging me back down, regressing me. I feel old thought patterns and bad habits returning as they try desperately to keep me in their false reality.
I resent having to leave the house before the sun has even risen to go to my mother's house, to be around the very person stirring much of this resentment. I ask myself, when do *we* (my partner and I) get to have our own traditions? When do *we* get to stay home and relax on a holiday and let people come to us? Or simply relax and wait to do what we want to do when we are ready to do it, not on a timetable of appeasement, making sure my family is placated? Which they won't be. The fact we are going to my mother's and then departing by 11 AM is going to be a problem. That problem may not be outwardly stated, but she will hang onto this until she dies.
And much like she did with my father, these moments and memories will be brought out as weapons later. She did just that when she weakly and pathetically tried to say that I'd seen the Doctor more in 2024 than her last month.
What the fuck business is it of hers if I have? I am not beholden to her.
A year ago today we were dreading having to see my sister. I feel I am much more settled in my mind over her. Now my mother is front and center. I never would have predicted this. But, I was naive. All the pieces were there. The history was there. The trauma was there. It was just waiting for me to put the puzzle pieces together.
Christmas was always uncomfortable, the past two years have been downright miserable. I want to enjoy this time of year. Usually work is the thing affecting it and poisoning it. They certainly tried this week. And yet, the true masters of misery are the ones I am related to.
I will talk more later about this, but I really have felt like I was growing the past decade or so. Especially the last few years. I feel as if my family is dragging me back down, regressing me. I feel old thought patterns and bad habits returning as they try desperately to keep me in their false reality.