Pink Nightmare
Today feels like it is just going to be marked with frustration. I feel overwhelmed and incredibly, highly, overabundantly irritable.
Yesterday turned out just fine, except for the ever-present guilt of not being at my mother's house and these constant images popping in my head of her sitting home alone, at a darkened kitchen table, weeping. Such things only build my resentment further. I am beginning to develop a pure hatred for the presence of my remaining family in my life. Today isn't helping, as I was just out to feed the birds and it is freezing and snow is falling, and I asked myself the question, 'when will I be able to put *my* outside decorations up?'.
It is going to be freezing and miserable the rest of the weekend as far as I saw on the forecast. But, you know, at least my mom gets to have her lights up after I spent my entire day Tuesday there doing it for her. At least she can enjoy hers. Of course, all she has to do to get them working is plug three plugs into the already set timer, but she is so stupid and so unwillingly to take even the simplest instructions and apply them, she might be unable to have her lights turned on. I am not exaggerating. She is unable to understand the basics of using a timer, and does the helpless woman thing every year. I wish I could just play helpless like a woman whenever there was some part of life I don't want to deal with it.
If I want to do our lights this weekend, I'll have to deal with freezing fingers, frozen light strands that have no pliability. Just shitty conditions. But, as long as my mother's are done and she was made the priority.
I understand I am lashing out from some angry, juvenile place within myself but I am just sick and tired of them. As it is, I do not know how I could have done more with my time off. All day, every day this week, besides yesterday, I was running around trying to get stuff accomplished. Tasks for Thanksgiving, stuff that's been sitting around needing to be dealt with all year. It's not like I wasted every day on the couch. Between the stress and drama of my family and the annoyance of work, that almost definitely seeks out to disrupt me when I am off, I am just burnt out.
I am exhausted today, yet if I don't start hauling Xmas shit upstairs, when will it get done? The Sparrow is working till 4:00. Tomorrow we have those annoying plans with his fair-weather straight friends in the late afternoon. When he'd asked me which day I thought would be good to go out with them, I thought he was talking at the end of December, NOT the Saturday right after Thanksgiving. Had I been paying attention I never would have agreed to it knowing what we have on our plate the next few days.
And now Sunday afternoon is shot because we need to bring the kittens into the cafe. Which we are not even going to have enough time to process the emotions over, because we are going to be immediately saddled with five new fosters. I am not bitching about helping, I want to help. I just don't understand why every situation has to be chaos. Could we not have calmly and peacefully brought out current two fosters in, with time to clean up the garage after and prepare for another round of fosters? Did it all have to be chaos chaos chaos and panic?
I am just so angry today. And I do think it is partially a reaction to just feeling bogged down by immense guilt yesterday. I am so sick of my family. I am so sick of their attempts to influence my life and my feelings. And it just won't end. Until my mother is in the ground, it is just going to go on and on. And now we get to start the stress and anxiety of worrying about what the fuck is supposed to happen for Christmas. I should not have to deal with these situations. I am painted as "the bad guy" yet I am the only sane one wanting to live a normal life. Between my mother and my sister, you've got two psycho dingbats with no grasp on reality. And they just continually pull me down into the mud, even if I don't have any contact with my sister, she's still manipulating the situation anyway.
It should be fun to decorate for Christmas. But sometimes it becomes this obligation and this burden and I wish I could just ignore the holiday all together because it seems like a complete waste of time and energy. And with only a few short weeks this year between Thanksgiving and Christmas, it just seems pointless to turn the whole house on its head, only to have to do so again in three weeks. Because by Christmas night, we are ready to just tear it all down and have the house back to normal.
Yesterday turned out just fine, except for the ever-present guilt of not being at my mother's house and these constant images popping in my head of her sitting home alone, at a darkened kitchen table, weeping. Such things only build my resentment further. I am beginning to develop a pure hatred for the presence of my remaining family in my life. Today isn't helping, as I was just out to feed the birds and it is freezing and snow is falling, and I asked myself the question, 'when will I be able to put *my* outside decorations up?'.
It is going to be freezing and miserable the rest of the weekend as far as I saw on the forecast. But, you know, at least my mom gets to have her lights up after I spent my entire day Tuesday there doing it for her. At least she can enjoy hers. Of course, all she has to do to get them working is plug three plugs into the already set timer, but she is so stupid and so unwillingly to take even the simplest instructions and apply them, she might be unable to have her lights turned on. I am not exaggerating. She is unable to understand the basics of using a timer, and does the helpless woman thing every year. I wish I could just play helpless like a woman whenever there was some part of life I don't want to deal with it.
If I want to do our lights this weekend, I'll have to deal with freezing fingers, frozen light strands that have no pliability. Just shitty conditions. But, as long as my mother's are done and she was made the priority.
I understand I am lashing out from some angry, juvenile place within myself but I am just sick and tired of them. As it is, I do not know how I could have done more with my time off. All day, every day this week, besides yesterday, I was running around trying to get stuff accomplished. Tasks for Thanksgiving, stuff that's been sitting around needing to be dealt with all year. It's not like I wasted every day on the couch. Between the stress and drama of my family and the annoyance of work, that almost definitely seeks out to disrupt me when I am off, I am just burnt out.
I am exhausted today, yet if I don't start hauling Xmas shit upstairs, when will it get done? The Sparrow is working till 4:00. Tomorrow we have those annoying plans with his fair-weather straight friends in the late afternoon. When he'd asked me which day I thought would be good to go out with them, I thought he was talking at the end of December, NOT the Saturday right after Thanksgiving. Had I been paying attention I never would have agreed to it knowing what we have on our plate the next few days.
And now Sunday afternoon is shot because we need to bring the kittens into the cafe. Which we are not even going to have enough time to process the emotions over, because we are going to be immediately saddled with five new fosters. I am not bitching about helping, I want to help. I just don't understand why every situation has to be chaos. Could we not have calmly and peacefully brought out current two fosters in, with time to clean up the garage after and prepare for another round of fosters? Did it all have to be chaos chaos chaos and panic?
I am just so angry today. And I do think it is partially a reaction to just feeling bogged down by immense guilt yesterday. I am so sick of my family. I am so sick of their attempts to influence my life and my feelings. And it just won't end. Until my mother is in the ground, it is just going to go on and on. And now we get to start the stress and anxiety of worrying about what the fuck is supposed to happen for Christmas. I should not have to deal with these situations. I am painted as "the bad guy" yet I am the only sane one wanting to live a normal life. Between my mother and my sister, you've got two psycho dingbats with no grasp on reality. And they just continually pull me down into the mud, even if I don't have any contact with my sister, she's still manipulating the situation anyway.
It should be fun to decorate for Christmas. But sometimes it becomes this obligation and this burden and I wish I could just ignore the holiday all together because it seems like a complete waste of time and energy. And with only a few short weeks this year between Thanksgiving and Christmas, it just seems pointless to turn the whole house on its head, only to have to do so again in three weeks. Because by Christmas night, we are ready to just tear it all down and have the house back to normal.