The Miss Piggy Effect
Well, I just had a big blow up on the phone with my mom. More of her usual sitting their silently like an 8-year-old while I talked. Or, in her words, while I was all "upset", which she kept saying she didn't mean to do.
The call started with her sobbing about her one dog Bailey, who had an ear infection and now his back legs apparently don't work. So I got to hear about that for ten minutes. I know it sounds heartless of me, but I just struggled to care. It has just been an endless string of drama and issues with this dog all year. A dog I should note that my sister pushed onto my parents when my dad was still alive. She was always handy for highly suggesting that they adopt all these shelter dogs, and all the ones she has pushed on them have had all kinds of medical issues.
And as we know, my mother emotionally identifies more with these dogs than her kids, or any human being. So it is just exhausting and I am done with it.
Then she asked what I've been dreading for months, "What is going on with Thanksgiving?"
This started my rant. I first told her that I assumed we were not having one because *SHE* specifically said that she did not want to have anymore holidays after what happened last year. And then I unloaded, yet again, about my sister and her decades of narcissistic behavior. At one point even mentioning that I've kept a journal my entire adult life with records of all the outrageous and selfish behavior my sister has exhibited and the abuse she essentially put my parents through.
My mother's response? "You can't live in the past".
She then, once again, talked about how *I* need to "just sit down and lay it all out" with my sister. I asked her point blank, "Has she (my sister) ever in the past 12 months admitted ANY culpability in the events of last year?"... she very quietly said "No".
I continued to rage on and on about the years of behavior, the expectation she was owed everything, her self-righteousness about what she was entitled to, her wishing my mother was dead so she could move to Tennessee. And that how, ultimately, there was nothing to talk about because Miss Piggy does not think she's done anything wrong and will never change. I talked about the extensive amount of research I've done into Narcissistic Personality Disorder and how, not only does she check off every box, but the clinical opinion is that these people are incapable of change.
I reminded her of the simple fact my sister only cares about my mom's money, and that has been her only motivation for decades. That our father was not in the fucking ground yet and Miss Piggy was over there looking into all their bank accounts and "helping". After not once being there to help in FIFTEEN PLUS FUCKING YEARS with anything else. That she constantly disparages my father and yet demanded his help when he was alive and expects his money now that he's dead.
She just kept on it though, suggesting I call my sister and "talk it out". I told her I would not ever reach out to that bitch. That if she wanted to have her call me, that is just fine. She can call me if she wants, but I will NOT pull my punches or "be nice". Then she commented about how my sister texted me on my birthday, and I didn't respond. And that *I* didn't text the bitch on her birthday a few weeks ago.
I immediately pointed out how she just did that so she could go running back to mommy and say, "SEE!!! He's the monster. He's ignoring me!". All part of the game. I told her she has a complete blindspot when it comes to my sister and she cannot see the truth, she only wants to make excuses and defend her behavior.
She dropped the word "family" and I told her that notion was utterly meaningless. That that word only gets dropped when it means something will benefit my sister. I reminded her that she herself admitted that she knows the depths of my sister's selfishness, yet she wants to constantly excuse it.
I am jumping all around here, but then I brought up my mother and her little "comments" she constantly makes because she cannot just express herself. Specifically about the distance my house is and how she doesn't approve of it. I told her for three years she's been making her little digs about it, and that I was just done with it. That I (we) chose to live where we did for us. That I am not beholden to live within a certain distance to appease anyone and that it had nothing to do with her, nor was it something she should be taking so personally.
She did her little wispy crying thing where she rambled about how she hated to drive and she was afraid of expressways and she got lost the first time she came here. I told her none of that matters. Her wanting to live a sheltered life just is not relevant to my choices.
She said she did not want to exchange Christmas gifts this year, which I am sure will burn my sister's hide. This prompted me to remind her about how we had told my sister she should not get us anything last year and how she defied our wishes, tricked the Sparrow into opening the gift we told her we did not want, and then my mother was mad at ME because we left the gift behind. Reminding her again, all my sister cares about is what she is getting out of the situation, whether it be monetary or some sort of weapon she can use to maintain her victim status.
I have no doubt in all these months my mother has given my sister countless amounts of money.
I was dropping F-bombs all over the place and half the time referred to my sister as "that bitch", which I am sure didn't help my case. But I guarantee, I do not give a fuck.
Way more was said than was even useful, as I know my mother only heard 10% of what I was actually saying. In her child-mind all she can focus on is the holiday coming up and wanting her "family together". And I asked her, why? I asked, do you really want me sitting at a table with that bitch to play some fantasy we are a family? For what purpose?
I really should have directly said that we were staying home for Thanksgiving but I kept getting sidetracked and that whole topic is still lingering out there. What with her dog issues, it doesn't matter since that will be her focus all week anyway.
I am super agitated right now, full of adrenaline. I said so much, yet I know it was all pointless. My mother is just too simple to understand any of it. And I wonder now if she'll actually ask Miss Piggy to call me. I am 50/50 about if she would or not. In order to play the game with my mother, she might. On the other hand, she does not feel she did anything wrong so why would she call. Except to psychoanalyze me with her bullshit degree and act superior.
In this moment at least I can tell you, my entire motivation is not only to burn the bridge but to nuke the entire site from orbit. If this is my chance to unload on my sister after twenty plus years of her bullshit, I have no intention of being nice. I do not give a fuck about having a relationship with her. I do not care about my mother's wishes in this. I do not care about inheritance, money etc etc. I literally do not give a single flying fuck about any of it.
I'll happily tell my sister I am the executor on the will and that we will sue her ass into oblivion if she takes one dime from the estate she is not owed after my mom dies. I know for sure that would throw her into a rage. I'd do it for that alone, just to be vindictive.
Pretty much anything regarding my sister I've written in the past year was brought up in some form or another. It was such a highly charged phone call. And I told her how bad this timing was, considering her being all wispy about her dog issues. And how she's had a chance to bring this up at anytime before this, but *SHE* told me after last Christmas that she did not want to talk about it. I had to keep reminding her of her own words, because she conveniently likes to "forget" what's been said before while she fantasizes some Pollyanna ideal of us being this "family" we never were.
There is so much more I am forgetting. And the call ended with her usual wispy pleas for affirmation. She very dramatically said she loved me, which just made me cringe. And I expressed in a less dramatic, blunt way that I did... though in the moment I only said it to play the game for her sake.
I said a lot, but I know little was heard. I feel good about taking the stand, but at the same time it seems utterly pointless. I have no interest in talking to my sister, so telling my mother that Miss Piggy was free to call me if she wanted was just my way of appeasing the crying, wispy woman in the moment. It seems the topic of Thanksgiving is still out there as I did not give a definitive "no". We already have plans, things are already in motion.
I did call out my mom too for always making comments about how she wants her kids to "get along" and how everything has always been screwed up. Basically implying that she personally sees herself as the victim of all this stuff and the one who has the ultimate disappointment to endure. Meanwhile myself, the rest of the family, had all failed her in some regard. I know I've previously called her out on this, but I asked her how she thinks *I* feel having to endure all this. That *I* have also spent months dealing with the conflict and emotional fallout of all this crap. She doesn't get to be the sole victim. And Miss Piggy has felt none of the ramifications of any of this, she simply does not care.
I say time and again I am not "blaming" my parents, or my past, for any of this. I wouldn't be where I am today without all the experiences, but I am making these choices today based on what I've learned and gone through. I am doing it consciously. So I can't feel bad about this rift in the family, and on the surface I don't feel bad about not making my mother's wispy emotions my top concern. These are all consequences of events and behaviors going back years.
I say again, as I've written and said to her just today for the hundredth time; this is about a pattern of behavior my sister has exhibited for YEARS. A pattern of toxic, entitled, narcissistic behavior she has gotten away with, facing no consequences for her actions. THESE are the consequences. She may not care, she may not be affected or even aware of them. But these are the consequences. I am not wrong in this. My mother previously agreed with me on this. Every person who witnessed what happened last Thanksgiving is a witness to this. My cousin's husbands, who made comments to me about my sister at past funerals, have witnessed it.
This is a righteous stance I am taking. This is about toxic people not being allowed to get away with their bad behavior. This is about a lifetime I lived before, surrounded by many, who I did not take a stand against or did not walk away from when I should have. I am not living in the past, but I am also not forgetting the lessons it has taught me.
The call started with her sobbing about her one dog Bailey, who had an ear infection and now his back legs apparently don't work. So I got to hear about that for ten minutes. I know it sounds heartless of me, but I just struggled to care. It has just been an endless string of drama and issues with this dog all year. A dog I should note that my sister pushed onto my parents when my dad was still alive. She was always handy for highly suggesting that they adopt all these shelter dogs, and all the ones she has pushed on them have had all kinds of medical issues.
And as we know, my mother emotionally identifies more with these dogs than her kids, or any human being. So it is just exhausting and I am done with it.
Then she asked what I've been dreading for months, "What is going on with Thanksgiving?"
This started my rant. I first told her that I assumed we were not having one because *SHE* specifically said that she did not want to have anymore holidays after what happened last year. And then I unloaded, yet again, about my sister and her decades of narcissistic behavior. At one point even mentioning that I've kept a journal my entire adult life with records of all the outrageous and selfish behavior my sister has exhibited and the abuse she essentially put my parents through.
My mother's response? "You can't live in the past".
She then, once again, talked about how *I* need to "just sit down and lay it all out" with my sister. I asked her point blank, "Has she (my sister) ever in the past 12 months admitted ANY culpability in the events of last year?"... she very quietly said "No".
I continued to rage on and on about the years of behavior, the expectation she was owed everything, her self-righteousness about what she was entitled to, her wishing my mother was dead so she could move to Tennessee. And that how, ultimately, there was nothing to talk about because Miss Piggy does not think she's done anything wrong and will never change. I talked about the extensive amount of research I've done into Narcissistic Personality Disorder and how, not only does she check off every box, but the clinical opinion is that these people are incapable of change.
I reminded her of the simple fact my sister only cares about my mom's money, and that has been her only motivation for decades. That our father was not in the fucking ground yet and Miss Piggy was over there looking into all their bank accounts and "helping". After not once being there to help in FIFTEEN PLUS FUCKING YEARS with anything else. That she constantly disparages my father and yet demanded his help when he was alive and expects his money now that he's dead.
She just kept on it though, suggesting I call my sister and "talk it out". I told her I would not ever reach out to that bitch. That if she wanted to have her call me, that is just fine. She can call me if she wants, but I will NOT pull my punches or "be nice". Then she commented about how my sister texted me on my birthday, and I didn't respond. And that *I* didn't text the bitch on her birthday a few weeks ago.
I immediately pointed out how she just did that so she could go running back to mommy and say, "SEE!!! He's the monster. He's ignoring me!". All part of the game. I told her she has a complete blindspot when it comes to my sister and she cannot see the truth, she only wants to make excuses and defend her behavior.
She dropped the word "family" and I told her that notion was utterly meaningless. That that word only gets dropped when it means something will benefit my sister. I reminded her that she herself admitted that she knows the depths of my sister's selfishness, yet she wants to constantly excuse it.
I am jumping all around here, but then I brought up my mother and her little "comments" she constantly makes because she cannot just express herself. Specifically about the distance my house is and how she doesn't approve of it. I told her for three years she's been making her little digs about it, and that I was just done with it. That I (we) chose to live where we did for us. That I am not beholden to live within a certain distance to appease anyone and that it had nothing to do with her, nor was it something she should be taking so personally.
She did her little wispy crying thing where she rambled about how she hated to drive and she was afraid of expressways and she got lost the first time she came here. I told her none of that matters. Her wanting to live a sheltered life just is not relevant to my choices.
She said she did not want to exchange Christmas gifts this year, which I am sure will burn my sister's hide. This prompted me to remind her about how we had told my sister she should not get us anything last year and how she defied our wishes, tricked the Sparrow into opening the gift we told her we did not want, and then my mother was mad at ME because we left the gift behind. Reminding her again, all my sister cares about is what she is getting out of the situation, whether it be monetary or some sort of weapon she can use to maintain her victim status.
I have no doubt in all these months my mother has given my sister countless amounts of money.
I was dropping F-bombs all over the place and half the time referred to my sister as "that bitch", which I am sure didn't help my case. But I guarantee, I do not give a fuck.
Way more was said than was even useful, as I know my mother only heard 10% of what I was actually saying. In her child-mind all she can focus on is the holiday coming up and wanting her "family together". And I asked her, why? I asked, do you really want me sitting at a table with that bitch to play some fantasy we are a family? For what purpose?
I really should have directly said that we were staying home for Thanksgiving but I kept getting sidetracked and that whole topic is still lingering out there. What with her dog issues, it doesn't matter since that will be her focus all week anyway.
I am super agitated right now, full of adrenaline. I said so much, yet I know it was all pointless. My mother is just too simple to understand any of it. And I wonder now if she'll actually ask Miss Piggy to call me. I am 50/50 about if she would or not. In order to play the game with my mother, she might. On the other hand, she does not feel she did anything wrong so why would she call. Except to psychoanalyze me with her bullshit degree and act superior.
In this moment at least I can tell you, my entire motivation is not only to burn the bridge but to nuke the entire site from orbit. If this is my chance to unload on my sister after twenty plus years of her bullshit, I have no intention of being nice. I do not give a fuck about having a relationship with her. I do not care about my mother's wishes in this. I do not care about inheritance, money etc etc. I literally do not give a single flying fuck about any of it.
I'll happily tell my sister I am the executor on the will and that we will sue her ass into oblivion if she takes one dime from the estate she is not owed after my mom dies. I know for sure that would throw her into a rage. I'd do it for that alone, just to be vindictive.
Pretty much anything regarding my sister I've written in the past year was brought up in some form or another. It was such a highly charged phone call. And I told her how bad this timing was, considering her being all wispy about her dog issues. And how she's had a chance to bring this up at anytime before this, but *SHE* told me after last Christmas that she did not want to talk about it. I had to keep reminding her of her own words, because she conveniently likes to "forget" what's been said before while she fantasizes some Pollyanna ideal of us being this "family" we never were.
There is so much more I am forgetting. And the call ended with her usual wispy pleas for affirmation. She very dramatically said she loved me, which just made me cringe. And I expressed in a less dramatic, blunt way that I did... though in the moment I only said it to play the game for her sake.
I said a lot, but I know little was heard. I feel good about taking the stand, but at the same time it seems utterly pointless. I have no interest in talking to my sister, so telling my mother that Miss Piggy was free to call me if she wanted was just my way of appeasing the crying, wispy woman in the moment. It seems the topic of Thanksgiving is still out there as I did not give a definitive "no". We already have plans, things are already in motion.
I did call out my mom too for always making comments about how she wants her kids to "get along" and how everything has always been screwed up. Basically implying that she personally sees herself as the victim of all this stuff and the one who has the ultimate disappointment to endure. Meanwhile myself, the rest of the family, had all failed her in some regard. I know I've previously called her out on this, but I asked her how she thinks *I* feel having to endure all this. That *I* have also spent months dealing with the conflict and emotional fallout of all this crap. She doesn't get to be the sole victim. And Miss Piggy has felt none of the ramifications of any of this, she simply does not care.
I say time and again I am not "blaming" my parents, or my past, for any of this. I wouldn't be where I am today without all the experiences, but I am making these choices today based on what I've learned and gone through. I am doing it consciously. So I can't feel bad about this rift in the family, and on the surface I don't feel bad about not making my mother's wispy emotions my top concern. These are all consequences of events and behaviors going back years.
I say again, as I've written and said to her just today for the hundredth time; this is about a pattern of behavior my sister has exhibited for YEARS. A pattern of toxic, entitled, narcissistic behavior she has gotten away with, facing no consequences for her actions. THESE are the consequences. She may not care, she may not be affected or even aware of them. But these are the consequences. I am not wrong in this. My mother previously agreed with me on this. Every person who witnessed what happened last Thanksgiving is a witness to this. My cousin's husbands, who made comments to me about my sister at past funerals, have witnessed it.
This is a righteous stance I am taking. This is about toxic people not being allowed to get away with their bad behavior. This is about a lifetime I lived before, surrounded by many, who I did not take a stand against or did not walk away from when I should have. I am not living in the past, but I am also not forgetting the lessons it has taught me.