Looks Like We Made It
I am crossing my fingers this will be a nice, quiet day. Though that all depends on if the chick at the Meat Packer brought her laptop or not. I am waiting to ask just in case. I don't want to reach out, have her still be at home and then grab the thing. Though, as luck would have it, unlike the other 10 times I needed someone to bring their laptop and they forgot, this chick has probably been bringing it every day in anticipation of my arrival today. I'll find out soon enough, that way I can go there, hopefully get done quickly, and get back before rush hour gets crazy.
I am tired of driving. I am tired of Illinois.
As far as the weekend goes and the Mother-In-Law's visit, it was all fine. Barry Manilow on Saturday night was actually a great time. I think the last concert I went to was some time in the early 2010s. I have had little interest because of how people are at concerts. Now, there were all these awful people still there... many, MANY people on their phones recording everything, which grates on my nerves. And down several rows (and thankfully to the left of us and away from the stage) were two old queens my age who acted as if the entire concert was for them personally. The one was lifting his shirt up constantly trying to get attention for his bloated, middle-aged body and screaming throughout the concert for Barry to take his shirt off.
It was embarrassing to say the least. A reminder why we don't often associate with other gay people.
The music was nostalgic. His performance was good and he was quite funny. Considering he is 81-years-old, he was outstanding overall. And it felt cool to see a musical icon like that while he is still around to be seen. His songs really are of another time, when music was happier or had more depth. Lyrically, music today cannot even compare to his most simplistic songs. I also didn't know that he wrote many famous commercial jingles including the State Farm one.
The only sad part was that he didn't sing 'Ready To Take A Chance Again', which I think is my favorite tune of his. He did sing 'Daybreak' though, which I'd completely forgotten about before the show.
That was all good. Aside from not having enough "me time" with a houseguest, it was all fine otherwise. The BIL and Gayle came over Sunday and we had fun playing some games. And even though the Sparrow keeps telling me it is none of our business, I couldn't help but comment to him that the BIL did NOT tell his mother Gayle was pregnant. And knowing Gayle well enough now, I could tell at the end of the evening when they were departing that she was annoyed by this. Well, I guess they have plenty of time till Thanksgiving, when they are going down to Atlanta to stay for the holiday, to figure out how to give the news.
Though it'll be quite awkward when Gayle is visibly 6 or so months pregnant. Kinda shitty actually. There isn't much I agree with with how the BIL is handling this whole situation. But, doing that to your family AND your girlfriend who you got pregnant out of wedlock seems real, real shitty. You can pretend to avoid this for a while, but at some point that baby is coming out and you are not going to be able to avoid reality then.
We also found out something bizarrely random. When I go to Petsmart there's been this girl at the register, Ana, who has worked there pretty much since I started shopping there. She was very chatty and annoying at first, but I've grown to like her. Probably because I see so many asshole customers being shitty to her. I sympathize with the plight of people dealing with bad customers. So we always chitchat when I am there. She almost came up and hugged me once, which was kinda bizarre and I think she saw the look on my face and that's why she held back. But, she's very nice.
Well, the Sparrow's mom took a pic of the three of us at the concert and was sending it to some people she knew... turns out that she's known this Ana chick from her old church from when she lived up here 9 years ago and they still talk over Facebook occasionally. We were in the Jeep on the way home when she got a response from Ana saying she knows the two of us. I didn't even know who Ana was at first when she was talking about it, but the Sparrow said it was the chick from Petsmart. Just so random and funny. One of two or three times in the past few weeks there have been these revelations that two people from our pasts know other people from our pasts that we didn't know about.
Back to the subject of families and avoidance, I made my usual calls to my mother Friday and Monday, but of course did not mention that the Sparrow's mom was here in town. This felt even dumber when explaining to the Sparrow's mom why. Like the stress over it is such a waste of energy. Simply put, my mother for no sane, logical reason whatsoever would have felt "hurt" that his mom was here and likely used that as some reason to finally come visit after all this time. Even though she'd hate the drive and want to leave immediately upon arriving. I do think at this point since I am not speaking to my sister, my mom likely would never come at all because she wouldn't want to drive alone and she probably wouldn't want to upset my sister by coming. Since my mother's main goal in life is to appease my sister's narcissism.
There's always a lot of reflection that goes on in regards to family when I am around the Sparrow's, since they get along so well for the most part. Juxtaposed against my family, where we pretty much faked being a family our entire existences. It makes me more angry than sad to reflect on it all. My resentment for my mother does feel wrong on some level, but I cannot look at her as this innocent victim anymore, seeing the patterns of manipulation over the course of my life. Sure, I think some pity toward her is warranted, but I am convinced on some level she is fully aware of the games she plays for attention.
The stress over the holidays is already making me ill. I think it is very clear and simple that I cannot go over to her house for Christmas or Thanksgiving as usual. She herself said last year she'd rather sit at home alone than have a Christmas like the last one, in which none of us acknowledged my sister's desperate, dramatic pleas for being the center of attention. In my mind, my mom and sister can have each other and spend their little holidays doing the only thing either of them care about... worshipping my sister. All while painting me as the selfish, bad guy.
The BIL and Gayle are going to Atlanta for Thanksgiving as I said. And I told the Sparrow if he really wanted to go, he should. Which he said he was thinking about. I feel like in the end there's a 50/50 chance he won't because he won't want to leave me up here alone. Someone has to be here to watch the cats, unless by some miracle we find a proper house sitter. Otherwise, I'd have no issue just being home alone that day.
It always sounds cold, but none of this useless stress would exist if my mother was simply gone. I should feel bad about such a statement, but this is the result of the world she and my sister have created and nourished for years. What other emotion but resentment could I be left to feel? We were never a close family. We only played like we were. Meanwhile, under the surface there were all these festering issues and traumas. Had my eyes not been opened by all my research the past 9 months, thanks to my sister's narcissistic outburst last Thanksgiving, I might well still be living within that toxic cloud.
I have my issues mind you, but I am able to at least identify what most of them are and reflect on them. Even if my character is flawed and doesn't change as a result. My sister and mother seem incapable of self-reflection. By definition, my sister is incapable because of her clinical narcissism. My mother I fear is just too childish and stupid to be able to self-reflect. For her, everything is about pure emotion and needing constant reassurance from outside sources. The more time that passes, the more reflection I do on my family history and the more I see how almost every action she's taken in the past 49 years that I can remember has been about someone showering her with reassurance because of her emotional issues and nonexistent esteem.
The question remains these days: How is any of that my problem? The answer being a very simple: It is not.
Well, this is it I suppose. It's time to find out if I am doomed to commute to the Meat Packer or if I can take it easy today. I know my luck and I know that that chick probably has her laptop. If I would have gotten completely dressed for work and then checked, she wouldn't have... maybe I should do that right now and see if it has an actual effect on events.
I am tired of driving. I am tired of Illinois.
As far as the weekend goes and the Mother-In-Law's visit, it was all fine. Barry Manilow on Saturday night was actually a great time. I think the last concert I went to was some time in the early 2010s. I have had little interest because of how people are at concerts. Now, there were all these awful people still there... many, MANY people on their phones recording everything, which grates on my nerves. And down several rows (and thankfully to the left of us and away from the stage) were two old queens my age who acted as if the entire concert was for them personally. The one was lifting his shirt up constantly trying to get attention for his bloated, middle-aged body and screaming throughout the concert for Barry to take his shirt off.
It was embarrassing to say the least. A reminder why we don't often associate with other gay people.
The music was nostalgic. His performance was good and he was quite funny. Considering he is 81-years-old, he was outstanding overall. And it felt cool to see a musical icon like that while he is still around to be seen. His songs really are of another time, when music was happier or had more depth. Lyrically, music today cannot even compare to his most simplistic songs. I also didn't know that he wrote many famous commercial jingles including the State Farm one.
The only sad part was that he didn't sing 'Ready To Take A Chance Again', which I think is my favorite tune of his. He did sing 'Daybreak' though, which I'd completely forgotten about before the show.
That was all good. Aside from not having enough "me time" with a houseguest, it was all fine otherwise. The BIL and Gayle came over Sunday and we had fun playing some games. And even though the Sparrow keeps telling me it is none of our business, I couldn't help but comment to him that the BIL did NOT tell his mother Gayle was pregnant. And knowing Gayle well enough now, I could tell at the end of the evening when they were departing that she was annoyed by this. Well, I guess they have plenty of time till Thanksgiving, when they are going down to Atlanta to stay for the holiday, to figure out how to give the news.
Though it'll be quite awkward when Gayle is visibly 6 or so months pregnant. Kinda shitty actually. There isn't much I agree with with how the BIL is handling this whole situation. But, doing that to your family AND your girlfriend who you got pregnant out of wedlock seems real, real shitty. You can pretend to avoid this for a while, but at some point that baby is coming out and you are not going to be able to avoid reality then.
We also found out something bizarrely random. When I go to Petsmart there's been this girl at the register, Ana, who has worked there pretty much since I started shopping there. She was very chatty and annoying at first, but I've grown to like her. Probably because I see so many asshole customers being shitty to her. I sympathize with the plight of people dealing with bad customers. So we always chitchat when I am there. She almost came up and hugged me once, which was kinda bizarre and I think she saw the look on my face and that's why she held back. But, she's very nice.
Well, the Sparrow's mom took a pic of the three of us at the concert and was sending it to some people she knew... turns out that she's known this Ana chick from her old church from when she lived up here 9 years ago and they still talk over Facebook occasionally. We were in the Jeep on the way home when she got a response from Ana saying she knows the two of us. I didn't even know who Ana was at first when she was talking about it, but the Sparrow said it was the chick from Petsmart. Just so random and funny. One of two or three times in the past few weeks there have been these revelations that two people from our pasts know other people from our pasts that we didn't know about.
Back to the subject of families and avoidance, I made my usual calls to my mother Friday and Monday, but of course did not mention that the Sparrow's mom was here in town. This felt even dumber when explaining to the Sparrow's mom why. Like the stress over it is such a waste of energy. Simply put, my mother for no sane, logical reason whatsoever would have felt "hurt" that his mom was here and likely used that as some reason to finally come visit after all this time. Even though she'd hate the drive and want to leave immediately upon arriving. I do think at this point since I am not speaking to my sister, my mom likely would never come at all because she wouldn't want to drive alone and she probably wouldn't want to upset my sister by coming. Since my mother's main goal in life is to appease my sister's narcissism.
There's always a lot of reflection that goes on in regards to family when I am around the Sparrow's, since they get along so well for the most part. Juxtaposed against my family, where we pretty much faked being a family our entire existences. It makes me more angry than sad to reflect on it all. My resentment for my mother does feel wrong on some level, but I cannot look at her as this innocent victim anymore, seeing the patterns of manipulation over the course of my life. Sure, I think some pity toward her is warranted, but I am convinced on some level she is fully aware of the games she plays for attention.
The stress over the holidays is already making me ill. I think it is very clear and simple that I cannot go over to her house for Christmas or Thanksgiving as usual. She herself said last year she'd rather sit at home alone than have a Christmas like the last one, in which none of us acknowledged my sister's desperate, dramatic pleas for being the center of attention. In my mind, my mom and sister can have each other and spend their little holidays doing the only thing either of them care about... worshipping my sister. All while painting me as the selfish, bad guy.
The BIL and Gayle are going to Atlanta for Thanksgiving as I said. And I told the Sparrow if he really wanted to go, he should. Which he said he was thinking about. I feel like in the end there's a 50/50 chance he won't because he won't want to leave me up here alone. Someone has to be here to watch the cats, unless by some miracle we find a proper house sitter. Otherwise, I'd have no issue just being home alone that day.
It always sounds cold, but none of this useless stress would exist if my mother was simply gone. I should feel bad about such a statement, but this is the result of the world she and my sister have created and nourished for years. What other emotion but resentment could I be left to feel? We were never a close family. We only played like we were. Meanwhile, under the surface there were all these festering issues and traumas. Had my eyes not been opened by all my research the past 9 months, thanks to my sister's narcissistic outburst last Thanksgiving, I might well still be living within that toxic cloud.
I have my issues mind you, but I am able to at least identify what most of them are and reflect on them. Even if my character is flawed and doesn't change as a result. My sister and mother seem incapable of self-reflection. By definition, my sister is incapable because of her clinical narcissism. My mother I fear is just too childish and stupid to be able to self-reflect. For her, everything is about pure emotion and needing constant reassurance from outside sources. The more time that passes, the more reflection I do on my family history and the more I see how almost every action she's taken in the past 49 years that I can remember has been about someone showering her with reassurance because of her emotional issues and nonexistent esteem.
The question remains these days: How is any of that my problem? The answer being a very simple: It is not.
Well, this is it I suppose. It's time to find out if I am doomed to commute to the Meat Packer or if I can take it easy today. I know my luck and I know that that chick probably has her laptop. If I would have gotten completely dressed for work and then checked, she wouldn't have... maybe I should do that right now and see if it has an actual effect on events.