Jake Ryan Syndrome
I have commented for years about the generation my sister is a part of, that mid/late 60's born, high school and college in the 1980s, group of women. There is not one I can think of I've known in that generation that isn't either divorced or has been single their entire lives. All with a rotating door of men. Their relationships never quite work out, even though they are often "so in love" and "it is real this time".
I've made the correlation to Jake Ryan in 'Sixteen Candles' before, but I don't think I ever thought to name the condition after him. Because, in my opinion, it is due to this 1980s era, mostly John Hughes movies, that an entire generation of women were misguided into years of causal sex and failed relationships.
My sister had a guy who was in love with her for years. They met at the lumberyard where they both worked (and I later got a job). He was maybe ten years or so older (maybe more still), but at the time he was an incredibly attractive guy, if not slightly nerdy. He was absolutely ga-ga for my sister. He had his life together, he was financially stable, he was looking for a relationship that would become a marriage. He built my sister furniture, spent endless amounts of money on her.
And like a complete fucking idiot, she dumped him. And even still after that they remained friends, in a very loose sense. The loose part being my sister with the next 200 guys she was "in love with" and let fuck her. Meanwhile, this original guy hung around on the perimeter, hoping some day my sister would come to her senses. She didn't. He ended up getting married to someone else. I don't remember now if he got divorced or what, but I do know that she sees him even still on rare occasions for dinner. But, it's too late. She missed her opportunity.
This is what makes me so mad when my brainless mother jumps to my sister's defense and forgives any and all of her horrible behavior by saying "she is alone". As if being single is an excuse to be a narcissistic cunt. And as I told my mother during the tumultuous holiday season last year, my sister is alone because of HER own choices. She is not alone because every single guy she dated was an asshole. Some probably were, but with her attitude and personality it is almost assured the majority of men aren't with her because she's a selfish, self-centered bitch.
Just saying it like it is.
My sister loved those John Hughes movies. She would talk like she expected a Jake Ryan type to come along someday and rescue her. She's moved beyond John Hughes now and is fully committed to the horrendous, mindless trash that are Hallmark movies. Where emotional women are sold these bullshit fairy tales about "love" and "soulmates" and all forms of childish concepts about what relationships are.
There was another women I was friends with once. I don't think I ever gave her a nickname. She was the sister of this girl I worked with. It was all fun and games when we first met. A riot hanging out together. But, as time went on this woman was always cancelling her commitments because of whatever random man she'd just met. Why don't we just call her Heidi.
Heidi was married and had four or five kids, then got divorced. The story always was that the ex was the asshole. As time went on I wondered if maybe there was a mutual share of the blame. She was the one who would always beg me to have my Halloween parties, because I would often contemplate not doing them to spare myself the expense and time it took me to prepare. But, every year there she was like Lucy with the football in Charlie Brown. She'd put it out there, then BAM. She'd pull it away and I'd be flat on my back. For three or four years she played this trick on me.
The final straw was when she told me I *HAD* to have the party because she was going to bring the latest, newest, love of her life and soulmate because he *HAD* to see how I threw them. She was adamant. And wouldn't you know it, at 4:00 or so the day of the party she texted and said she couldn't make it because she was up in Wisconsin with this new man. Mind you, she got the invite for the party a month in advance. But, as was typical of her and many like her, her only priority and loyalty was to herself and whatever fantasy she was building with the next future ex-boyfriend she was with.
They broke up, of course.
I cut her off after that but eventually found out from the Sicilian that she literally up and abandoned her kids with her sister and moved to New Orleans with some new guy. I think only one of the kids was college age, the rest were still in grade or high school. But, I am sure she justified it like any self-centered person would by saying she "deserved" to be free and do what she wanted. I did hear again only a few months ago from the Sicilian that that relationship too had failed and she had moved back home. I wonder how her kids felt about that, considering she'd abandoned them.
I could go on and on. Rockwell's old female roommate, who was a total psychopath, also fell into this generation. She had failed relationship after failed relationship. She was even dating a guy who was originally from Canada, who seemingly went back there and did not want to return because he was too chickenshit to just break up with her. I've since heard that she lost yet another job and was living at home with her dad. Possibly under the guise of caring for him because he had cancer. That poor old man is likely dead now thanks to her "care". She was always famous for making us wait whenever we had plans. She was always at least 30 minutes late and sometimes over an hour. I wrote about it in the past I am sure. A sure sign of a fucking narcissist. Only their time is important.
And let us not forget Miss Managed. A train wreck of a human being with a train wreck of failed relationships who made my life hell for years before the Boss fired her because she was so threatened by me. She too was never the problem, it was always me or the men she dated.
Why this trip down memory lane... or is it a trip through the Red Light District?
Well, it all goes back to Stacey and her current relationship woes. This time around, the guy is the narcissist and she is the victim. But, she wants to be the victim. She claims not to, but it is clear she loves the drama of it all. The heightened emotions every time they have a fight or break up and get back together. He ignores her while they date and that is the only way she can seem to get a sliver of feeling out of him. But, she has no self-esteem so instead of walking away from this disaster, she keeps turning around and going back into the flames.
Last week she'd sent me some of the messages they'd exchanged, and it was all so clearly a game. She likes to say she "loves" him, but there is nothing resembling love in this situation. It makes me cringe to think to my own past and the many times I thought too that I was "in love" and how I was too emotionally immature to see how ridiculous I was being. Everyone goes through it too. You only learn by going through it unfortunately. Some too never learn, no matter how many times they do.
But, she sent me this huge diatribe she texted him Monday (after she was supposed to have ended it officially for the tenth time and had blocked him). She wanted me to read what she wrote so I could see just how "real" her feelings are about him. I was laughing before I read a word. I didn't even want to read the text it was so huge. And it was one giant fluffy pile of cringe-inducing, Hallmark channel dog shit. She uses the word "love" but she can't see that she's trapped in a toxic, unhealthy relationship with a blatant narcissist. She claims she sees it, yet she keeps going back.
And again, we've all been there. We've all made those kind of mistakes.
Yet, her schtick is to tell me that *I* don't understand her feelings and *I* can't know what she is experiencing. Women sure love to use this line of defense. Especially when it comes to killing babies inside themselves. Men can't know what it is to be pregnant, so that means women should be able to have abortions as birth control and men aren't allowed to have an opinion on it. No one can possibly understand the plight.
She didn't like my response when I said "Pathetic". She asked if I was referring to her text or his text reply that she also sent me. I said "both" (of course). She responded with "Bye" which was to infer she was done talking to me, possibly forever. And yet, I could see she was furiously typing yet another text response.
Had she just cut me off and blocked me for being a jerk THEN I could have respected her for finally taking some kind of stand for herself. But, she's weak and she enjoys all the drama.
She's also been claiming for weeks that she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She wants to focus on herself and has no intentions of looking for anyone else when this current one supposedly ends. But, then she said they "may" try working things out. So I reminded her that she said she didn't want to be in a relationship. I said those were HER words, not mine. Her response was simply that she meant "if this one doesn't work out". Which it hasn't been working out for literal years.
And she even tries to defend this toxic, abusive relationship she is in by claiming that I only hear "the bad parts" and that there "is good". I've fucking been there too. I feel like Joey and I have had conversations on this very topic at Melrose years ago. There "is good" yet you only find yourself bitching about the person constantly.
Now, I am not claiming my relationship is perfect. I am not claiming the Sparrow and I never fight, or that I never get annoyed with some little stupid thing like how to load the dishwasher. I am not saying my personality doesn't piss him off sometimes. But, I have had a world of experience when it comes to dating and to relationships and men. And I can say, unlike pretty much every other relationship I've been in, with the Sparrow I feel no need to bitch about our problems to other people. I might make a joke when we are out drinking with folks or something. But, I don't ever text the Doctor or call up the Sicilian and talk trash about him.
If we had a real issue, I think we would just talk to each other. And that, to me, is what a real relationship is. She is running off to her girlfriends to get advice the same way I used to run to Joey or any number of other people to cry and whine about whoever it was I was seeing that moment. It was all drama all the time.
In a real relationship you have trust. I don't think I ever had much trust before. When I think of the Sparrow and I, I am not thinking about Hallmark movies and Prince Charming and selfies for Facebook to show just how "in love" we are. Another aspect of a healthy relationship is that you don't need to try proving you're in love so hard like everyone these days does on social media. And Stacey is just as guilty of this as my sister or anyone else. Posting the perfect little photos with the little heart emojis. Or some long, sappy post about "being in love". When you're in a real relationship, you don't need to do any of that shit because you are not seeking anyone else's validation.
I put it best once, and though it may sound like an insult, I believe it is the absolute truth. If you want to really find "love" and have a real relationship and a committed marriage you need to find someone you can tolerate the most. There is always going to be conflict. There is always going to be drama. How you navigate those things solely depends on how much you can tolerate the other person. It sounds insensitive, but it is not at all. Because you may find you love to tolerate your partner's quirks and idiosyncrasies. And they are definitely tolerating yours.
The Sparrow and I are a team. I really look at us that way whenever I think about our goals, with the house and money or future plans. Hell, even when I get mad about something stupid I keep reminding myself I am part of a team, and conflict with him or playing old games like I used to in my younger years only damages us both. It hurts the team. I hurt him, I damage our trust, I cause unnecessary drama and conflict... it affects me as much as him. So why would I want that.
Stacey's issue is the same as my sister and the rest. She wants "romance" and "love" and "soulmates" and all that bullshit that is shoveled in movies and music. Probably specifically shoveled because women in particular buy it up. It is not reality. Expecting some prince to save you, or some man to sweep you off your feet is a fantasy. Relationships are not always easy but they are most definitely always work.
She doesn't want to understand that. She wants to tell me that I don't know what she's "feeling" and I don't understand what she is "going through" and I don't get what he is "really like" because she has this idea that her experience is unique. At this point in history, I am not sure anyone on planet Earth currently is having a solely unique experience. It's all been done. It's all been said. It's all been felt. It's all happened before. We want to think we are unique because the span of time and the vastness of the universe is scary as hell. And if we aren't "special", then what is left of us. We are all just normal, everyday people. And that is not the programming going on in people's brains thanks to television, social media, etc etc...
People have to believe they are special because they have no other meaning in their lives. My sister was too "special" to stay with that guy thirty years ago. An average guy, not bad looking, who would have given her a good life, if not just typically average. That bitch Heidi thought she was special. In fact, she thought she was so special she could just abandon her children and her responsibility as a parent to fly off to New Orleans with her latest future ex.
It's Jake Ryan Syndrome. And I hate to tell everyone, Jake Ryan isn't coming. He's not going to be parked outside leaning on his Porsche waiting to rescue you from your mundane life. Life IS mundane, with random occasions of excitement, new experience and change. They never showed you that Jake Ryan had to go to work at some point. He had to go through the drudgery of every day life. Everyone has to pay the bills. Everyone has responsibilities. Even the "special" people.
Really, really falling "in love" doesn't stop all those other things. Posting about how much "in love" you are on Facebook isn't reality. At this point I think more than half the people out there realize that social media is fake as fuck. Everyone is out there trying to pretend their lives are so great. And the ones trying the hardest are usually the biggest messes behind the scenes. (Meanwhile, back when I was on there the "special" people would trash me for being "so negative" all the time for posting about the mundane tortures of work).
I say, embrace your average life. Romance the ordinary. Find someone you can tolerate the most. Whose annoying habits are just below the threshold of you cracking. Live a fantastic, run-of-the-mill life. Pay your bills, pay off your mortgage, go for a nice drive on Sundays.
I've made the correlation to Jake Ryan in 'Sixteen Candles' before, but I don't think I ever thought to name the condition after him. Because, in my opinion, it is due to this 1980s era, mostly John Hughes movies, that an entire generation of women were misguided into years of causal sex and failed relationships.
My sister had a guy who was in love with her for years. They met at the lumberyard where they both worked (and I later got a job). He was maybe ten years or so older (maybe more still), but at the time he was an incredibly attractive guy, if not slightly nerdy. He was absolutely ga-ga for my sister. He had his life together, he was financially stable, he was looking for a relationship that would become a marriage. He built my sister furniture, spent endless amounts of money on her.
And like a complete fucking idiot, she dumped him. And even still after that they remained friends, in a very loose sense. The loose part being my sister with the next 200 guys she was "in love with" and let fuck her. Meanwhile, this original guy hung around on the perimeter, hoping some day my sister would come to her senses. She didn't. He ended up getting married to someone else. I don't remember now if he got divorced or what, but I do know that she sees him even still on rare occasions for dinner. But, it's too late. She missed her opportunity.
This is what makes me so mad when my brainless mother jumps to my sister's defense and forgives any and all of her horrible behavior by saying "she is alone". As if being single is an excuse to be a narcissistic cunt. And as I told my mother during the tumultuous holiday season last year, my sister is alone because of HER own choices. She is not alone because every single guy she dated was an asshole. Some probably were, but with her attitude and personality it is almost assured the majority of men aren't with her because she's a selfish, self-centered bitch.
Just saying it like it is.
My sister loved those John Hughes movies. She would talk like she expected a Jake Ryan type to come along someday and rescue her. She's moved beyond John Hughes now and is fully committed to the horrendous, mindless trash that are Hallmark movies. Where emotional women are sold these bullshit fairy tales about "love" and "soulmates" and all forms of childish concepts about what relationships are.
There was another women I was friends with once. I don't think I ever gave her a nickname. She was the sister of this girl I worked with. It was all fun and games when we first met. A riot hanging out together. But, as time went on this woman was always cancelling her commitments because of whatever random man she'd just met. Why don't we just call her Heidi.
Heidi was married and had four or five kids, then got divorced. The story always was that the ex was the asshole. As time went on I wondered if maybe there was a mutual share of the blame. She was the one who would always beg me to have my Halloween parties, because I would often contemplate not doing them to spare myself the expense and time it took me to prepare. But, every year there she was like Lucy with the football in Charlie Brown. She'd put it out there, then BAM. She'd pull it away and I'd be flat on my back. For three or four years she played this trick on me.
The final straw was when she told me I *HAD* to have the party because she was going to bring the latest, newest, love of her life and soulmate because he *HAD* to see how I threw them. She was adamant. And wouldn't you know it, at 4:00 or so the day of the party she texted and said she couldn't make it because she was up in Wisconsin with this new man. Mind you, she got the invite for the party a month in advance. But, as was typical of her and many like her, her only priority and loyalty was to herself and whatever fantasy she was building with the next future ex-boyfriend she was with.
They broke up, of course.
I cut her off after that but eventually found out from the Sicilian that she literally up and abandoned her kids with her sister and moved to New Orleans with some new guy. I think only one of the kids was college age, the rest were still in grade or high school. But, I am sure she justified it like any self-centered person would by saying she "deserved" to be free and do what she wanted. I did hear again only a few months ago from the Sicilian that that relationship too had failed and she had moved back home. I wonder how her kids felt about that, considering she'd abandoned them.
I could go on and on. Rockwell's old female roommate, who was a total psychopath, also fell into this generation. She had failed relationship after failed relationship. She was even dating a guy who was originally from Canada, who seemingly went back there and did not want to return because he was too chickenshit to just break up with her. I've since heard that she lost yet another job and was living at home with her dad. Possibly under the guise of caring for him because he had cancer. That poor old man is likely dead now thanks to her "care". She was always famous for making us wait whenever we had plans. She was always at least 30 minutes late and sometimes over an hour. I wrote about it in the past I am sure. A sure sign of a fucking narcissist. Only their time is important.
And let us not forget Miss Managed. A train wreck of a human being with a train wreck of failed relationships who made my life hell for years before the Boss fired her because she was so threatened by me. She too was never the problem, it was always me or the men she dated.
Why this trip down memory lane... or is it a trip through the Red Light District?
Well, it all goes back to Stacey and her current relationship woes. This time around, the guy is the narcissist and she is the victim. But, she wants to be the victim. She claims not to, but it is clear she loves the drama of it all. The heightened emotions every time they have a fight or break up and get back together. He ignores her while they date and that is the only way she can seem to get a sliver of feeling out of him. But, she has no self-esteem so instead of walking away from this disaster, she keeps turning around and going back into the flames.
Last week she'd sent me some of the messages they'd exchanged, and it was all so clearly a game. She likes to say she "loves" him, but there is nothing resembling love in this situation. It makes me cringe to think to my own past and the many times I thought too that I was "in love" and how I was too emotionally immature to see how ridiculous I was being. Everyone goes through it too. You only learn by going through it unfortunately. Some too never learn, no matter how many times they do.
But, she sent me this huge diatribe she texted him Monday (after she was supposed to have ended it officially for the tenth time and had blocked him). She wanted me to read what she wrote so I could see just how "real" her feelings are about him. I was laughing before I read a word. I didn't even want to read the text it was so huge. And it was one giant fluffy pile of cringe-inducing, Hallmark channel dog shit. She uses the word "love" but she can't see that she's trapped in a toxic, unhealthy relationship with a blatant narcissist. She claims she sees it, yet she keeps going back.
And again, we've all been there. We've all made those kind of mistakes.
Yet, her schtick is to tell me that *I* don't understand her feelings and *I* can't know what she is experiencing. Women sure love to use this line of defense. Especially when it comes to killing babies inside themselves. Men can't know what it is to be pregnant, so that means women should be able to have abortions as birth control and men aren't allowed to have an opinion on it. No one can possibly understand the plight.
She didn't like my response when I said "Pathetic". She asked if I was referring to her text or his text reply that she also sent me. I said "both" (of course). She responded with "Bye" which was to infer she was done talking to me, possibly forever. And yet, I could see she was furiously typing yet another text response.
Had she just cut me off and blocked me for being a jerk THEN I could have respected her for finally taking some kind of stand for herself. But, she's weak and she enjoys all the drama.
She's also been claiming for weeks that she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She wants to focus on herself and has no intentions of looking for anyone else when this current one supposedly ends. But, then she said they "may" try working things out. So I reminded her that she said she didn't want to be in a relationship. I said those were HER words, not mine. Her response was simply that she meant "if this one doesn't work out". Which it hasn't been working out for literal years.
And she even tries to defend this toxic, abusive relationship she is in by claiming that I only hear "the bad parts" and that there "is good". I've fucking been there too. I feel like Joey and I have had conversations on this very topic at Melrose years ago. There "is good" yet you only find yourself bitching about the person constantly.
Now, I am not claiming my relationship is perfect. I am not claiming the Sparrow and I never fight, or that I never get annoyed with some little stupid thing like how to load the dishwasher. I am not saying my personality doesn't piss him off sometimes. But, I have had a world of experience when it comes to dating and to relationships and men. And I can say, unlike pretty much every other relationship I've been in, with the Sparrow I feel no need to bitch about our problems to other people. I might make a joke when we are out drinking with folks or something. But, I don't ever text the Doctor or call up the Sicilian and talk trash about him.
If we had a real issue, I think we would just talk to each other. And that, to me, is what a real relationship is. She is running off to her girlfriends to get advice the same way I used to run to Joey or any number of other people to cry and whine about whoever it was I was seeing that moment. It was all drama all the time.
In a real relationship you have trust. I don't think I ever had much trust before. When I think of the Sparrow and I, I am not thinking about Hallmark movies and Prince Charming and selfies for Facebook to show just how "in love" we are. Another aspect of a healthy relationship is that you don't need to try proving you're in love so hard like everyone these days does on social media. And Stacey is just as guilty of this as my sister or anyone else. Posting the perfect little photos with the little heart emojis. Or some long, sappy post about "being in love". When you're in a real relationship, you don't need to do any of that shit because you are not seeking anyone else's validation.
I put it best once, and though it may sound like an insult, I believe it is the absolute truth. If you want to really find "love" and have a real relationship and a committed marriage you need to find someone you can tolerate the most. There is always going to be conflict. There is always going to be drama. How you navigate those things solely depends on how much you can tolerate the other person. It sounds insensitive, but it is not at all. Because you may find you love to tolerate your partner's quirks and idiosyncrasies. And they are definitely tolerating yours.
The Sparrow and I are a team. I really look at us that way whenever I think about our goals, with the house and money or future plans. Hell, even when I get mad about something stupid I keep reminding myself I am part of a team, and conflict with him or playing old games like I used to in my younger years only damages us both. It hurts the team. I hurt him, I damage our trust, I cause unnecessary drama and conflict... it affects me as much as him. So why would I want that.
Stacey's issue is the same as my sister and the rest. She wants "romance" and "love" and "soulmates" and all that bullshit that is shoveled in movies and music. Probably specifically shoveled because women in particular buy it up. It is not reality. Expecting some prince to save you, or some man to sweep you off your feet is a fantasy. Relationships are not always easy but they are most definitely always work.
She doesn't want to understand that. She wants to tell me that I don't know what she's "feeling" and I don't understand what she is "going through" and I don't get what he is "really like" because she has this idea that her experience is unique. At this point in history, I am not sure anyone on planet Earth currently is having a solely unique experience. It's all been done. It's all been said. It's all been felt. It's all happened before. We want to think we are unique because the span of time and the vastness of the universe is scary as hell. And if we aren't "special", then what is left of us. We are all just normal, everyday people. And that is not the programming going on in people's brains thanks to television, social media, etc etc...
People have to believe they are special because they have no other meaning in their lives. My sister was too "special" to stay with that guy thirty years ago. An average guy, not bad looking, who would have given her a good life, if not just typically average. That bitch Heidi thought she was special. In fact, she thought she was so special she could just abandon her children and her responsibility as a parent to fly off to New Orleans with her latest future ex.
It's Jake Ryan Syndrome. And I hate to tell everyone, Jake Ryan isn't coming. He's not going to be parked outside leaning on his Porsche waiting to rescue you from your mundane life. Life IS mundane, with random occasions of excitement, new experience and change. They never showed you that Jake Ryan had to go to work at some point. He had to go through the drudgery of every day life. Everyone has to pay the bills. Everyone has responsibilities. Even the "special" people.
Really, really falling "in love" doesn't stop all those other things. Posting about how much "in love" you are on Facebook isn't reality. At this point I think more than half the people out there realize that social media is fake as fuck. Everyone is out there trying to pretend their lives are so great. And the ones trying the hardest are usually the biggest messes behind the scenes. (Meanwhile, back when I was on there the "special" people would trash me for being "so negative" all the time for posting about the mundane tortures of work).
I say, embrace your average life. Romance the ordinary. Find someone you can tolerate the most. Whose annoying habits are just below the threshold of you cracking. Live a fantastic, run-of-the-mill life. Pay your bills, pay off your mortgage, go for a nice drive on Sundays.