The Monkey’s Uncle
I think I realized something last night; my abs have gotten so loose and soft because I just don’t laugh enough anymore. Lynn and I got together for dinner and I laughed like I haven’t laughed in quite some time. Yes, true this is somewhat of an exaggeration because I am always laughing; but a couple of times stuff was just so funny I could feel my stomach muscles aching from the exertion of the laughter. Such a great feeling.
I was a bit annoyed that all of my efforts to get me home early failed thanks to late and slow trains and I actually got in almost 30 minutes later than if I had just left at five with Jennifer. Circumstances are such a pisser.
After I got home I pretty much crashed by 9:30 and spent much of the night with my stomach aching like it was tied in a knot. It wasn’t really nausea but a physical feeling that my stomach was cramped. Not very pleasant. What was pleasant was getting here and remembering that Dearest was not going to be in until later. I have so little time left before my long weekend (which will undoubtedly be over in a flash). Right now the only thing I think I am counting on for sure is getting drunk tomorrow night.
I seem to be having a lot of disturbing dreams as of late. I say disturbing because they all involve the most evil of evils; "Love". Dreams about dating and hugging and cuddling and goo-goo-ga-ga eye contact. All tragic stuff. Last night I was all touchy feely with a kid that looked like Justin.. unfortunately not the Justin from ’In A Fix’ but the nasty twink Justin from Queer As Folk. All the while Bonk was there telling me I needed to stop over later that evening and spend the night with him.
I have to admit, I’ve been thinking a lot about my hairdresser boy. It comes and goes, but more often than just thoughts of when I need another haircut. Which, I honesty do need one since Lynn thinks I am looking like Ed Grimly and I know the ’crest’ on top of my head is reaching up past four and a half inches I think.
The hairdresser boy is a nice fantasy because it is safe and somewhat impossible. It’s fun and flirty and cute and temporary. Just like that guy on the El platform; a great ego boost with a dash of high school psychosis dropped in for good anxiety measure; but absolutely no real contact, and the most important part; No real threat.
Yea, I’ve been feeling a bit hungry in the physical contact area. I am not even talking sex (please, let’s not talk about sex because I’m bored with it). It’s a momentary phase and the minute it’s satisfied I’ll immediately not want it so chances are I just need to ride it out and not get myself in trouble.
I was crossing over the river this morning and thinking about myself (as usual) in relation to the whole dating thing and I know I am one of those people that would be afraid if he settled for one thing, he might miss out on another. But, in a lot of instances; the "other" might not specifically even be a person but solitude itself. Not even from the aspect of someone else smothering me; but from how I know my own mind works in dating situations where I would make myself feel bound to the ’contract’, so to speak.
I like the flirtation and the fresh, new, exciting feelings and the lingering anticipation of touch and taste and sex; but I don’t really want to have any of it. Just the idea of it all is good enough. In fact, it’s better than actually having to suffer through it all. That’s why I think I get more excited about some attractive stranger leaning against me on the El rather than some drunk Sidetrack patron telling me I’d only have to say the word and we’d be back at his place naked... Infinite possibilities vs. No possibilities.
I was telling Lynn yesterday how I’d been thinking about what it would be like if my sister had a kid; that I think being an uncle would be really cool. Then she reminded me that I already am an uncle. This struck me as so odd that my brother has become so removed in my mind from our family that I don’t even consider his child to be my niece.
Maybe this all has to do with some continuing deficiency in my own character that I think about being the ’cool uncle’ to my siblings children. Or, is it possibly some natural longing. If you want to talk about things from an evolutionist point of view, being gay doesn’t necessarily remove the male instinct in me concerning offspring, does it? I don’t generally even like children and always claim to be afraid of them yet I think it’d be the coolest thing all the same to have some little nephew who might spend the weekend with me and I’d be able to take him to museums and sights all around the city and have some positive influence on a life.
Disinterest in sex. Thoughts about children. Escapism through television. I AM turning into a housewife!
I was a bit annoyed that all of my efforts to get me home early failed thanks to late and slow trains and I actually got in almost 30 minutes later than if I had just left at five with Jennifer. Circumstances are such a pisser.
After I got home I pretty much crashed by 9:30 and spent much of the night with my stomach aching like it was tied in a knot. It wasn’t really nausea but a physical feeling that my stomach was cramped. Not very pleasant. What was pleasant was getting here and remembering that Dearest was not going to be in until later. I have so little time left before my long weekend (which will undoubtedly be over in a flash). Right now the only thing I think I am counting on for sure is getting drunk tomorrow night.
I seem to be having a lot of disturbing dreams as of late. I say disturbing because they all involve the most evil of evils; "Love". Dreams about dating and hugging and cuddling and goo-goo-ga-ga eye contact. All tragic stuff. Last night I was all touchy feely with a kid that looked like Justin.. unfortunately not the Justin from ’In A Fix’ but the nasty twink Justin from Queer As Folk. All the while Bonk was there telling me I needed to stop over later that evening and spend the night with him.
I have to admit, I’ve been thinking a lot about my hairdresser boy. It comes and goes, but more often than just thoughts of when I need another haircut. Which, I honesty do need one since Lynn thinks I am looking like Ed Grimly and I know the ’crest’ on top of my head is reaching up past four and a half inches I think.
The hairdresser boy is a nice fantasy because it is safe and somewhat impossible. It’s fun and flirty and cute and temporary. Just like that guy on the El platform; a great ego boost with a dash of high school psychosis dropped in for good anxiety measure; but absolutely no real contact, and the most important part; No real threat.
Yea, I’ve been feeling a bit hungry in the physical contact area. I am not even talking sex (please, let’s not talk about sex because I’m bored with it). It’s a momentary phase and the minute it’s satisfied I’ll immediately not want it so chances are I just need to ride it out and not get myself in trouble.
I was crossing over the river this morning and thinking about myself (as usual) in relation to the whole dating thing and I know I am one of those people that would be afraid if he settled for one thing, he might miss out on another. But, in a lot of instances; the "other" might not specifically even be a person but solitude itself. Not even from the aspect of someone else smothering me; but from how I know my own mind works in dating situations where I would make myself feel bound to the ’contract’, so to speak.
I like the flirtation and the fresh, new, exciting feelings and the lingering anticipation of touch and taste and sex; but I don’t really want to have any of it. Just the idea of it all is good enough. In fact, it’s better than actually having to suffer through it all. That’s why I think I get more excited about some attractive stranger leaning against me on the El rather than some drunk Sidetrack patron telling me I’d only have to say the word and we’d be back at his place naked... Infinite possibilities vs. No possibilities.
I was telling Lynn yesterday how I’d been thinking about what it would be like if my sister had a kid; that I think being an uncle would be really cool. Then she reminded me that I already am an uncle. This struck me as so odd that my brother has become so removed in my mind from our family that I don’t even consider his child to be my niece.
Maybe this all has to do with some continuing deficiency in my own character that I think about being the ’cool uncle’ to my siblings children. Or, is it possibly some natural longing. If you want to talk about things from an evolutionist point of view, being gay doesn’t necessarily remove the male instinct in me concerning offspring, does it? I don’t generally even like children and always claim to be afraid of them yet I think it’d be the coolest thing all the same to have some little nephew who might spend the weekend with me and I’d be able to take him to museums and sights all around the city and have some positive influence on a life.
Disinterest in sex. Thoughts about children. Escapism through television. I AM turning into a housewife!