Lost Moments and New Attempts
I had intended to start journaling again at the start of 2020. Originally, I thought I would hand write out a new journal. I bought paper for it. But as many ideas go, it just hadn’t happened. Partially because there is so much more ease in typing than writing (though I am struggling at the moment even typing). I just felt I wanted the tactile experience of writing on paper. As I am getting older I find myself hating technology more and more and longing for older, "simpler" times. Though, with a computer you get backups. And if I upload this to my old blogging site and it’s backup then it will live on in some form as long as the internet does.
Why writing again? I feel like I need to. I’ve always felt a calling to write, though I never found an outlet creatively in which it could make me money or fame. I simply feel the need to write in the same way some are compelled to shop or drink or breath (perhaps). It feels good doing it and better in future times when I reflect back on it. As it was in the past few weeks. I have been working on cleaning up old paperwork, throwing out unneeded crap cluttering the house and preparing for another move and life change. In doing so, as always, I found myself going down memory lane and reliving some of my past through my old blog backups, old documents and pictures and the like. Something I discovered a long while back after moving into the house, which I may have commented on before, was a “To Do” list of desires and dreams I had written most likely in my late teens or very early 20s. I found myself amused that even if it wasn’t the obvious path I thought or in the time I figured, I did accomplish many of the items on my list.
It is these kind of reflections I enjoy and I think are healthy for one to bring perspective continually throughout their life. And though I may never read my journal in totality I do know on many occasions I have referred back to it to remember events or stumbled upon things long forgotten as I browsed through it. And such things are worthy of experiencing. To remember.
As it is I have several times over lost and vanquished all my connections to the past. So it is rare for me to ever talk about "the old days" with anyone. They may well be forgotten to time. And that is fine, but sometimes it is a fun laugh or educational to go back.
Right now I have been feeling as if my life is in the best place it has ever been. I have the benefit of age now giving me much needed adult perspective on things. Often lacking for many decades past when it would have been useful. I am sure I am not done making rash decisions and definite, childish and impulsive decisions are still quite clear in the rearview mirror. But we never stop learning.
I have a stable relationship now with someone I am not competing with. Someone who doesn’t insult me to build himself up nor someone I feel the need to denigrate for my own esteem. It is unlike any relationship I have ever had. The toxicity of past friendships and relationships are mostly out of my life now. Humorously, on occasion a connection from the past reemerges, and my impulse is to get away from it as quickly as possible.
The Doctor is the only one I really see or speak to these days. And even then with his work schedule it may be several months between such meetings. I may still go to the one bar I had frequented during my twilight of living in the city, but I don’t care much about getting there. I don’t feel compelled to go beyond having a place to meet the Doctor or where the Sparrow and I can hang out and see a bartender we know. If I could never go back there again as of today, I don’t think I would care. I honestly find 99.9% of the people I see in there when we go awful.
But, back to writing...
I was compelled somewhat because as I’ve waned from journaling to the point of complete neglect I realize I have missed out on documenting many unique life experiences. Whether it be the world of homeownership, the relationship and its milestones, the political climate of our times or the endless changes within myself and my points of view. I know in the end we are all lost to time, but I think it is good for my mind and perhaps my soul, to express myself in this fashion.
Another ongoing project of self-improvement is my struggle to yet again pay down debt. When I bought the house I was debt free for several months for the first time in my life. But in the past four years I’ve let myself slip back into bad habits. It was overwhelming even if it was not to the scope of my previous debts. And with the new direction of my relationship with the Sparrow and our plans to make a life for ourselves together in a new house the goal was clear: I had to be debt free and the house I am currently in has to be shined up to sell for a decent profit.
Politics has played a huge part too as we both agree staying in Illinois is not an option. With it’s ridiculous, increasing taxes almost as a punishment on its citizens. The gas tax last year especially chapped my hide and for several weeks I drove out of my way across the Indiana border to fill the tank up. More disappointing was the day I realized I was filling up again in Illinois because I’d just given up on trying to avoid their robbery. All I can do now is focus on the future when I take myself and any tax revenue they gain from me and give it to my neighboring state instead.
It’s all I can do, so I will do that.
In other areas of money, as I’ve gone through so much old clutter and junk, I see how I’ve wasted so much money in my past on things that were completely unnecessary. It felt good of course to get rid of so many material things, but there’s still much left. And thinking that had I known better when I was younger, I could have invested some money to where retirement could have been a real possibility. That it wasn’t something other, rich people did but something attainable by anyone. I didn’t want to hear it though, even if it had ever been spoken to me.
The past is the past and I’m not regretting the life I lived per say. I just wish I would have been smarter. A lot of it was ignorance. I just didn’t know any better. Is that a good excuse? I don’t know.
The idea of Sparrow and I combining finances and having a plan for our future is exciting. Sharing a goal in a way I didn’t think possible. I wouldn’t be thinking about any of this I don’t think without his influence, as he is responsible even beyond my years with money. And the amount of money I will save with the move and by dividing expenses with him is astronomical. Considering those numbers shocked me because it will be the difference between getting by and thriving. I just hope I stay the course and life doesn’t throw one of its usual curveballs.
It is not all roses of course. The idea of moving and having to get this house in order is immensely stressful. I cannot ever seem to find the energy to get started. By now I should have all the painting done so once Spring breaks I can focus on the list of outside items that need to be done. But, I’ve gotten lazy and find myself on the couch more often than not.
Doing outside stuff is its own challenge because of the oppressive nature of my neighbors here. Funny how I don’t even need to read my past journals to remember I’ve had about 15 years of awful neighbors. And not to say these people are awful, just that they are constantly around looking to talk or tell me how to do things better than I am. Often times I cannot even step out my front door without them appearing. And I just don’t want to have a conversation every time I am trying to cut the damn lawn or take the garbage out. Winter is a blessing in this arena as they rarely come outside.
I suppose I thought I had more deep thoughts to share on this first outing of writing again. But, I waited longer today than I should have and work annoyances and the like have robbed some of the philosophizing I wanted to do from my mind. Plus, I am trying to fast today because my eating and weight are out of hand and the thought of food right now is clouding my mind as my stomach growls.
I would like to make this a daily habit, but I won’t be too hard on myself if it isn’t. I did this much and that is good enough.
Why writing again? I feel like I need to. I’ve always felt a calling to write, though I never found an outlet creatively in which it could make me money or fame. I simply feel the need to write in the same way some are compelled to shop or drink or breath (perhaps). It feels good doing it and better in future times when I reflect back on it. As it was in the past few weeks. I have been working on cleaning up old paperwork, throwing out unneeded crap cluttering the house and preparing for another move and life change. In doing so, as always, I found myself going down memory lane and reliving some of my past through my old blog backups, old documents and pictures and the like. Something I discovered a long while back after moving into the house, which I may have commented on before, was a “To Do” list of desires and dreams I had written most likely in my late teens or very early 20s. I found myself amused that even if it wasn’t the obvious path I thought or in the time I figured, I did accomplish many of the items on my list.
It is these kind of reflections I enjoy and I think are healthy for one to bring perspective continually throughout their life. And though I may never read my journal in totality I do know on many occasions I have referred back to it to remember events or stumbled upon things long forgotten as I browsed through it. And such things are worthy of experiencing. To remember.
As it is I have several times over lost and vanquished all my connections to the past. So it is rare for me to ever talk about "the old days" with anyone. They may well be forgotten to time. And that is fine, but sometimes it is a fun laugh or educational to go back.
Right now I have been feeling as if my life is in the best place it has ever been. I have the benefit of age now giving me much needed adult perspective on things. Often lacking for many decades past when it would have been useful. I am sure I am not done making rash decisions and definite, childish and impulsive decisions are still quite clear in the rearview mirror. But we never stop learning.
I have a stable relationship now with someone I am not competing with. Someone who doesn’t insult me to build himself up nor someone I feel the need to denigrate for my own esteem. It is unlike any relationship I have ever had. The toxicity of past friendships and relationships are mostly out of my life now. Humorously, on occasion a connection from the past reemerges, and my impulse is to get away from it as quickly as possible.
The Doctor is the only one I really see or speak to these days. And even then with his work schedule it may be several months between such meetings. I may still go to the one bar I had frequented during my twilight of living in the city, but I don’t care much about getting there. I don’t feel compelled to go beyond having a place to meet the Doctor or where the Sparrow and I can hang out and see a bartender we know. If I could never go back there again as of today, I don’t think I would care. I honestly find 99.9% of the people I see in there when we go awful.
But, back to writing...
I was compelled somewhat because as I’ve waned from journaling to the point of complete neglect I realize I have missed out on documenting many unique life experiences. Whether it be the world of homeownership, the relationship and its milestones, the political climate of our times or the endless changes within myself and my points of view. I know in the end we are all lost to time, but I think it is good for my mind and perhaps my soul, to express myself in this fashion.
Another ongoing project of self-improvement is my struggle to yet again pay down debt. When I bought the house I was debt free for several months for the first time in my life. But in the past four years I’ve let myself slip back into bad habits. It was overwhelming even if it was not to the scope of my previous debts. And with the new direction of my relationship with the Sparrow and our plans to make a life for ourselves together in a new house the goal was clear: I had to be debt free and the house I am currently in has to be shined up to sell for a decent profit.
Politics has played a huge part too as we both agree staying in Illinois is not an option. With it’s ridiculous, increasing taxes almost as a punishment on its citizens. The gas tax last year especially chapped my hide and for several weeks I drove out of my way across the Indiana border to fill the tank up. More disappointing was the day I realized I was filling up again in Illinois because I’d just given up on trying to avoid their robbery. All I can do now is focus on the future when I take myself and any tax revenue they gain from me and give it to my neighboring state instead.
It’s all I can do, so I will do that.
In other areas of money, as I’ve gone through so much old clutter and junk, I see how I’ve wasted so much money in my past on things that were completely unnecessary. It felt good of course to get rid of so many material things, but there’s still much left. And thinking that had I known better when I was younger, I could have invested some money to where retirement could have been a real possibility. That it wasn’t something other, rich people did but something attainable by anyone. I didn’t want to hear it though, even if it had ever been spoken to me.
The past is the past and I’m not regretting the life I lived per say. I just wish I would have been smarter. A lot of it was ignorance. I just didn’t know any better. Is that a good excuse? I don’t know.
The idea of Sparrow and I combining finances and having a plan for our future is exciting. Sharing a goal in a way I didn’t think possible. I wouldn’t be thinking about any of this I don’t think without his influence, as he is responsible even beyond my years with money. And the amount of money I will save with the move and by dividing expenses with him is astronomical. Considering those numbers shocked me because it will be the difference between getting by and thriving. I just hope I stay the course and life doesn’t throw one of its usual curveballs.
It is not all roses of course. The idea of moving and having to get this house in order is immensely stressful. I cannot ever seem to find the energy to get started. By now I should have all the painting done so once Spring breaks I can focus on the list of outside items that need to be done. But, I’ve gotten lazy and find myself on the couch more often than not.
Doing outside stuff is its own challenge because of the oppressive nature of my neighbors here. Funny how I don’t even need to read my past journals to remember I’ve had about 15 years of awful neighbors. And not to say these people are awful, just that they are constantly around looking to talk or tell me how to do things better than I am. Often times I cannot even step out my front door without them appearing. And I just don’t want to have a conversation every time I am trying to cut the damn lawn or take the garbage out. Winter is a blessing in this arena as they rarely come outside.
I suppose I thought I had more deep thoughts to share on this first outing of writing again. But, I waited longer today than I should have and work annoyances and the like have robbed some of the philosophizing I wanted to do from my mind. Plus, I am trying to fast today because my eating and weight are out of hand and the thought of food right now is clouding my mind as my stomach growls.
I would like to make this a daily habit, but I won’t be too hard on myself if it isn’t. I did this much and that is good enough.